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trouble with gratitude.

are you struggling with gratitude? that’s ok. don’t force it. gratitude isn’t meant to gaslight yourself or spiritually bypass the human condition. you have to know that when gratitude refuses to be summoned, there’s a hidden truth that must first come forward.

you cannot be grateful for a lie (sorry.) you cannot be grateful for pain until you understand the truth behind it. and yes, pain is always trying to tell you a truth: something hurts; you must find out why. you have to dig out the shrapnel, no matter how deep it’s lodged. and sometimes you have to go so deep to find it that when you do, you look at it like it’s gold. and guess what, it is. because you won’t heal, the truth won’t be revealed, until it’s out.

no one is glad to be hurt, disappointed, abandoned, excluded or rejected by the world; this all goes against the survival drive of your body consciousness. if it were rational or second-nature to “turn the other cheek” they wouldn’t be preaching it in holy books. no. the purpose, the assignment of embodiment is to experience and understand polarity. everyone is going to have to figure out how their soul consciousness gets along with the body consciousness, how to balance and unify the masculine and feminine energies within. entropy and harmony do a dance. so the world will hurt. it will register in your body consciousness. and then it’s up to you to understand the soul-level truth behind it. and what’s that now? it sounds like this:

those who forgo the beauty of your light and energy do so in your service – to help you understand your value and to teach you discernment. that is why you must bless those who reject you: because they agreed to go without for your benefit and to their own detriment. rejection is the lie that you are unworthy.

those who attack or abandon you do so in your service – to help you understand that you were always whole and to give you the opportunity to choose yourself. that is why you must bless those who harm you: because they agreed to awaken your strength, and the only person who benefits from that is you. wounds give the illusion that you can be broken, when your truth is your sovereignty.

142

the main character.

you’re playing a role. this is your character. do you love her? do you know what she carries in her pockets? in her heart? do you know what she likes? what makes her laugh? smile? and cry? this is the person, the body the universe gave to you this time. it’s your job to explore her entire arc: does she go from villain to hero? strong to soft? does she rise, only to fall? what is her story?

you get to live it. you bring her to life through embodiment. you get to bring the audience into her world so they can see through her eyes, feel her heart beat and witness what is meant to unfold for her. she is not you, but you get to cry her tears, experience her joy and share in her losses.

life is a mystery and a longing that we all live together; the entire production is the divine playing a game called, “8 billion people.” why? because God is lonely. just as you are. God wants what you want: to experience what is available to us in contrast and density. God has everything; is everything. so the only way to live and die is to pretend that they’re different. the only way to give and receive is to split the one thing into two, if only for a moment in time. the only way to love is to forget, so we can allow ourselves to remember.

we agree to forget the divinity within and then we will seek it out in others before we allow ourselves to return home. and here’s the thing: it’s easy to get lost. for the set pieces and dramatic cues to feel more real than the truth. some scenes are incredibly long and difficult, while others are too beautiful to be so short. the assignment is to feel it all. for you, for your character, and for the audience. none of it exists without you. that’s what makes it all so beautiful.

141

what we agreed.

life’s curriculum is not to learn new things, but rather, to remember what we agreed to forget upon arrival. life on earth is dense. embodiment is dense. we forget that we are whole, we forget that we are loved, we forget that we are divinely held and protected.

we are taught to chase so we can remember alignment. we are taught lack so we can remember that abundance is within. we are taught to doubt and worry so we can remember where it is safe to place our trust, faith and certainty. we are taught to feel empty and alone to remember that all is one, everything is good, and that the present moment is complete.

we explore the limits of body consciousness so we can remember that our soul consciousness exists beyond space and time. the mind speaks through the body, the soul speaks through the heart, and we are here because the soul wanted free will to bravely express itself through the body.

you already know what’s true. the assignment is the embodiment: to know it in the dark, in the silence, in this body. to remember what’s real; even when it’s hard, especially when it’s hard. that’s how the body learns what the soul has always known. pain is the signal that it’s time to remember what’s true. do you know the phrase, “to hell and back?” back to where? nobody ever says and everybody just assumes it’s “back to earth.” it’s not. the answer is: “to heaven.”

140

a different surrender.

we have to bless everyone and everything that in this moment, is helping us turn unknown weaknesses into known strengths. it’s the same as in the gym: exercise shows us that where we are weak today is where tomorrow we will be strong.

pain, delay, disappointment and lack of clarity are not meant to be numbed; they are clear internal signals that things need to change and that we’re ready to step forward, not shrink back. we are meant to transform our triggers into release and relief. trying situations are meant to reveal to us our power to heal what is ready to be healed.

so do you want to be right or do you want to be free? do you want to be right about what is hurting your feelings? or do you want to be free of it? just pretend that nothing and no one will change before you do. if we treat each day like a different surrender, giving everything over to God is just another way of affirming that we trust the divinity within, knowing it is the same divinity that flows all around us. the prayer sounds like this: i am here. i am me. i am in a body. it’s not for a long time. it will be over soon.

this is how we give up what we don’t want instead of defending or controlling. we remember that life is continually unfolding. if you’re having problems, don’t defend the problems. if something feels bad, do not ignore or deny your part in it. it’s a process. and the becoming is painful because it only happens through unbecoming. they don’t tell you that reaching for life and for the light actually feels like death. the old you must die so that the new you can live.

139

this is the gate.

every person and situation that cannot meet your needs is the gate through which the people, places and things that do - will enter to meet you.

these limitations are meant to heal and transform your need to be met by the world (the external) into the power to build your own world and meet your own needs (internally) so by the time the external world rises to meet you, you don’t need it to; you’re not homeless. you have already built your own world, your own home within yourself.

this is the only way you will fully and finally receive what is meant for you. you receive when it is no longer rescue. you receive when it no longer feels required. you receive when you surrender, when you rise. receiving is resonance. when your heart’s desire manifests, this is the energy of alignment. and this is how you can love everything that feels lonely and terrible and misaligned in the moment. this is how you can love all the homes that couldn’t hold you, all the hearts you couldn’t make a home in. see it as a gate. see it as the beautiful wrapping paper that packages your gift.

other people’s limitations are your gifts to yourself; they are the path leading you back to yourself. and also, you signed up for it to be exactly this way. seems strange but that’s how it works. what you want isn’t the gift. what you don’t want isn’t the gift. you are the gift, always. when you want what doesn’t want you, when what you want isn’t here yet, this is the exact gate it comes through. this gate is the threshold you cross to become the version of yourself that can hold everything you didn’t get so that you can hold everything you’re getting.

138

winning the game.

what’s more powerful? “i believe in myself” or “i believe in God”? what’s powerful is when you realize you’re saying the same thing. it can take many years of embodiment to separate the two ideas, to know one before the other, and to finally understand how they come together. it sounds like this: “i believe in the divinity that flows within me and all around.”

it’s in the space between doing and being that we can begin to conceptualize divinity as a level of consciousness where doing and being are the same; doing = being, and the doing is the being. it’s only on earth and in the human experience that action can be surrender. this is special. and the key is not even intention; it’s in the level of consciousness. are we holding the body consciousness together with our soul consciousness? or are we prioritizing one over the other?

finding and maintaining this balance is the entire assignment. life on earth gives the illusion of duality even though everything is the same and all is one. the game must be played and it was meant to be enjoyed. now, is it meant to be won? perhaps not. but after a while, you might be content to believe that winning the game is really more like ending the game, which is what happens once you become the version of yourself that steps out of the game to help the other players who are still in it.

137

only two.

there are only two jobs: keep people comfortable or make people uncomfortable. which one did you get? there is not an easier one: both are hard. both take a position with respect to the dissonance that surrounds us all.

one job is to bring it to the front and give it a name. the other job is to push it back and down and make it small — maybe even pretend like it doesn’t exist. this is lots of people’s job, and everyone on this team gets to have each other. sometimes it’s even fun (probably) to act like there is no game, no field, and that we don’t have two teams in different colors with opposing goals. on the other hand, those whose job it is to “make people uncomfortable” come to understand the assignment just as they are beginning to realize they can’t even switch teams — no matter how hard they try and no matter how hard anyone might want it. this is difficult. and they are vastly outnumbered.

now, while self-sacrifice is inherent to “keep people comfortable,” it is not necessary to “make people uncomfortable.” you don’t need to make people look in the mirror. you don’t need them to change. it’s probably easier if they didn’t, to be honest. you’re not responsible for the outcome. you just need to be the mirror. when you are yourself, you show people to themselves, and that is the entire job of “make people uncomfortable.” meanwhile, the other side is meant to stop any and all “make people uncomfortable.” they are entirely responsible for achieving and maintaining the desired outcome of “keep people comfortable.”

we will all eventually find out which job we have landed. and it’s up to us to make sure we are running in the right direction.

136

only if it is unconditional.

how do you know someone loves you? they do what they’re supposed to do for you because they want to and because it makes them feel good to see you happy.

how do you know you love you? you do what you’re supposed to do for you because you want to and because it makes you feel good to see you happy. seems harder when we say it that way, isn’t it? of course it’s easier to make the grocery list when it’s you shopping the shelves instead of you shopping within yourself. let’s make the list anyway.

i want to be loved in all these ways, by (becoming) someone who: i can trust –not because they are perfect– but because they are human and they’ve taught me that i am safe to shed my armor and stay in my body, sits with me even when and especially when my feelings are too big, gives me the space to figure out what’s right for me, takes the time to honor my needs even when no one else will, encourages me to shine, protects my energy with respect and reverence, knows how lucky they are that i am me and not anyone else, wants to spend time with me because they’re curious what it’s like to be me and because it seems pretty fun, doesn’t let me turn away from the mirror even if i don’t like what i see, reminds me that i don’t need a mirror to know i exist and that i matter, is patient with me even as i slowly outgrow all the ways i have been inclined to seek or fix or serve or shrink or give myself away to anything or anyone outside of me, blesses my journey with kindness and compassion, chooses me because i am already chosen.

135

reminders.

repeat after me: i am not responsible.

i am not responsible for what people see when they see me. i am not responsible for what people feel when i am near. i am not responsible for whether people allow my help. i am not responsible for other people’s chaos. i am not responsible for anyone else’s journey. i am not responsible for other people’s opinions, beliefs or judgments. i am not responsible for what other people think. i am not responsible for what people do or don’t do, say or don’t say, choose or don’t choose. i am not responsible for other people’s limitations.

they are only mirrors, as am i.

i am not responsible for saving the day; i am only responsible for doing my best. i am not responsible for other people’s decisions or their ways; i am only responsible for mine. i am not responsible for the state of anyone’s consciousness other than mine. i am not responsible for changing anyone’s mind; i am only responsible for changing mine.

the only reason i keep finding myself in confusing situations where i’m not sure what’s mine, or where i begin and end, is that i am meant to feel and fail my way through until i stop abandoning myself. if i try to make the bad feeling go away as quickly as possible (and there are so many earthly salves and distractions) i am most certainly signing up for more of the same. when i sit with myself, i can pray for clarity and find my way through the unknown. what i see on the outside won’t change until what i see on the inside changes.

embodiment means things take time. the spiral is meant to tire us out. we’ll be shown the same thing over and over until our eyes start to see differently and we start choosing differently. isn’t it funny that we get these bodies along with all the ways to leave it? all this power in a world that shames us into giving it away? you wouldn’t even have to feel what it is costing you, at least, not right away. the trap door closes slowly, gently, with hardly a sound. the trap is an invitation to sit with yourself until the body surrenders and the soul remembers how to walk itself out.

134

the emptiness.

what happens to the soldier after the battle of his life? who is he beneath the armor, separate from the spirit of war? who is the actress after she has given the performance of her life? having emptied herself to serve as a channel for art, for the story, what now?

there’s a moment after the last encore and closing ceremony that the silence makes clear: they each must now go home. the world has no use for them now that the mission is complete. like the soldier who leaves it all on the battlefield, the actress leaves her dressing room only to find herself back at the flat. nothing has changed, home is as she left it; it just feels a little less real than before. the soldier has a look around, in the privacy of his own dwelling, glances down at his hands and into the mirror, and asks, “who am i, now that i’ve answered the call?” who was that in all the fighting? who was that onstage?

to stand now in the stillness, not unlike the deserted battlefield and now-silent playhouse, the despair of the faithful is in this space that is neither action nor waiting. integration calls only for embodiment of presence; and it is a most unfamiliar and unsettling unknown. this is the role between the roles, the deployment between the deployments. the heat of battle and height of the performance have now made way for a space, an emptiness that doesn’t even know if it wants to be filled.

133

all you want.

after a while, you’ll be emptied of your desire to fight all the battles and solve all the problems. it’s not that you shouldn’t do what you need to do for yourself. it’s more like your own persistence and even the satisfaction of winning will lose its lustre. if you’re lucky, you’ll tire of yourself and your small wants. sooner rather than later, you’ll realize that all victories are hollow in the end, and the only peace you’ll find on this earth is in divine grace and forgiveness.

fighting all the time has finally hollowed you out. you’ve lost your taste for blood. and now you’re just a wretch seeking rest. this is how you’ll finally understand that every time you pull a punch, you allow the divine to unfold for you.

do you want your solution to the problem? or do you want the divine’s solution to the problem? it’s up to you to leave it up to God. you must answer when called and you must call upon the light in the dark. only the unknown can save you when you’re done with everything you’ve known. maybe the answer comes once you admit you have no idea what the answer could be; when you don’t want what you want anymore, and all you want is the grace of God.

before you’ve fully surrendered, the imagination assumes there will be a lightness to the experience. but it’s not like that. surrender feels heavy because you finally feel the weight of what you’ve been carrying the moment you realize it must all be set down. and maybe that’s the secret: peace on earth is possible and it happens inside you.

132

nothing else.

does it seem too difficult to soften into this harsh reality and with the people around you? do you stay armored up? are you in full battle gear at the dinner table with your family? on a tuesday conference call for work? they say we must surrender and soften to receive what’s good, but this seems not only impractical but impossible in the heat of battle.

where do we put all of our disillusion and misplaced trust? the hurt doesn’t disappear with time. it’s hard to soften in the same world that made us fight to survive. even as the fire loses its immediacy, the embers of resentment still glow.

maybe we aren’t meant to trust the people around us or the situations we find ourselves in. what if we aren’t meant to trust what we see or even what we feel? what if it’s not about trusting them or it or this? what if we are meant to trust in God, instead? what if the only way to transmute the pain and resentment of “why” is to instead, ask, “what?”

“what is the Creator trying to show me through you? through this? what light am i meant to reveal today?”

here’s the benefit: life is easier when you aren’t worried about whether this person or that person is trustworthy. it’s easier when you know that even if you can’t trust them, even if you can’t trust yourself, there’s divine design in a universe that is still unfolding for you. that, you can trust, if nothing else.

131

what you believe.

to understand yourself, you have to understand your life. turn off your television and start living some, or keep doing what you’re doing, and when you’ve had enough, you can begin.

the fact is, you’ll never know why you’re here. why are you here, on this earth, looking like this, feeling like this, thinking like this, and behaving like this? you’ll never know. and that’s why all you will ever have is belief. you will have to find a system of belief that explains, gives structure, logic and meaning – even if it’s the meaning of “no meaning” or “no logic” or “no structure.” believing in chaos, that everything is random, and that it’s all a big nothing – is a belief. either way, and eventually, you will have to pick a side or accept that you’ve picked a side. so, what is your belief?

humans are simple. they just want to know whether heaven exists, and if it does, is it available on earth? or does it come after? there are three options, and you’ll feel much better after you decide (or accept) what it is you actually believe. whether: [1] heaven is not real (that there isn’t one and/or we are meant to be happy never), [2] heaven is real and it is possible after death (meaning, it’s ok to be unhappy in life because the possibility is available after all is said and done), or [3] that heaven can exist on earth (that there is a way to be happy in this lifetime).

“heaven” and “happy” are the simplest terms we can understand (or at a minimum, are able to refer to) “what’s good” (which can be an extremely complicated topic, if you want) and you can choose one of the three beliefs. they are mutually exclusive and accessible with or without religion. all humans believe in something, and whatever you believe, you’ll be right.

130

new you.

when you change, everything changes. the things you did to survive will go away or you’ll begin to adjust (to a different experience of or relationship to) them as you learn to thrive.

it must all be learned. you learned to survive and you’ll learn how it feels to finally thrive. it won’t always be what you expect. the body and spirit are in overdrive during survival; everything you’ve got gets pushed to the front, to the top, as you fight for the light. and one day, when you can turn and bless the darkness for chasing you there, you’ll feel your world suddenly stop and fall silent. it’ll feel like a death –because it is one– and this will call for grief. grief for the pain and grief for the ending of that pain.

when you stop running, some of what you had to save for later will come find you – to be felt and seen from the new safety. is it terrible and humbling and embarrassing? sometimes, yes. everything is hard. blooming and dying will shock the system.

it’s ok. you won’t need anything but to be grateful and to allow the space that has opened up to hold (differently) all that came, and to welcome (for the first time) all that was waiting patiently for you to arrive.

129

a fighting chance.

we all do this: we arrive having forgotten. we don’t know the lifetimes we carry until we are awakened to them. we go for awhile, wondering why we are beautiful to some and ugly to others. only the people who love us can see past the mud on our faces. they provide compassion, connection and receptivity as we work through the layers and build-up from lifetimes of journeying.

when people get a sense for the strength in what we’re carrying, they tend to unload everything they’ve been carrying. this doubles our load, even as we are barely awakening to the lifetimes we brought with us into this one. while all this weight makes us stronger, the heaviness is tired and miserable. we eventually have to stop carrying what’s not ours. we have to stop unconsciously pumping our loved ones with the chaos and negativity that was unconsciously loaded onto us over years and that we pick up unconsciously in the day-to-day. we must be so careful to avoid negative speech because it feeds (rather than heals) our wounds.

we wake up to others’ pain and then we wake up to ours, which is how and why and the extent to which we unconsciously agree to accept others’ pain into our energetic bodies. we have to compost all this negativity, so the flowers that were meant to blossom and give fragrance in this lifetime, have a fighting chance to do so.

128

what are you willing to give?

the thing(s) you want most – what are you willing to give for them? all your money? time? energy? integrity? your body? your truth? your light? years, decades of your life, even? would you be willing to give your soul for what you want most?

first, you need to stop running around, giving everything away just to survive, just to get through the day. sit and have a think so you can get clear as to what you want. is it love? peace? safety? abundance? to be received? met? chosen? these are big-ticket items; the price will be high. but here’s the thing: it’s not what you think. they lie to us. you don’t have to exchange anything of value for what you value. it’s not rumpelstiltskin asking, “what will you give me?”

it’s what you must surrender, which is everything you don’t want: your old self, your old life, your doubts, fears, limitations and insecurities. the old stories, cycles and lies. everything that is not in alignment with what you want has to go. it must be surrendered to make room for everything you do want.

how do we know this is true? all the times we gave away our treasure and our worth, the world was more than happy to take it. but eventually, we found it wasn’t enough; if we could buy, sell or trade for what we wanted, we would have it already. when you gave away your sovereignty, what did you get? when you gave them all the second chances in the world to make things right, did they? when they named their price and you paid in full, did you get what you needed? no, you didn’t. and that’s how you know.

127

what would it feel like?

what if this lifetime was meant to be the reward for all your previous lifetimes? what if this was meant to be the easy, beautiful and abundant one? where you would experience what they call “heaven on earth” and “true love forever,” despite all evidence and logic to the contrary?

there are ways you could begin to tell: the early part of your life would have been hard, years of living in the dark, to echo what you have fought over entire lifetimes, reminding you how strong and deserving you are. because what if this could be the lifetime your soul overcame it all, so as to finally fully enjoy everything available to us in this specific body consciousness: from a good cry to chocolate cake?

you would start by learning to navigate the balance between letting it happen and fighting for it. “letting it happen” is allowing what wants to flow in and out of your life to do so; allowing what comes up to be felt or seen—to be felt and seen. the “fighting for it” is refusing to give up, even when it’s hard, even when it hurts, is frustrating and offers zero clarity.

eventually, you learn to tell right from wrong in your body, not your mind. you learn to listen to your heart for the answer, and you begin to live as if that answer mattered. as if you were doing it for someone you loved. for someone who just wanted to experience what it would feel like, look like, and be like.

126

needs and wants.

what does it mean to align wants and needs? it means you don’t want people to listen, validate you, hold you, see you, or understand you anymore. you just want what they’ve been giving you this whole time because you know it’s what you need: for them to not understand, to not listen, to not remember, to not stay, to not grow, to not change, to not protect, to not support you, guide you or meet you.

you don’t need anything different from what they’re already giving or how they’ve been showing up. every time it happens, let it remind you that you’re already getting what you need from them in that moment. are the people and situations around you disappointing, annoying, hurtful, frustrating? good. that’s what you need.

it needs to feel bad enough to wake up the divine, sleeping giant inside you. the divine, sleeping giant who wakes up laughing because he knows nothing can touch him and that he already has everything he needs. now that he’s up and moving about, he just wants to make sure he doesn’t accidentally hurt anyone smaller or weaker than him.

125

the unfolding.

we didn’t come to earth to be comfortable. we came to earth to grow. everything grows. even the days grow; the construct we use to make sense of everything, it grows. did you notice we have weather down here? that weather is a thing? weather just means, “someone’s not gonna like it.” weather wouldn’t be a thing if we all liked it; if it was always comfortable.

what does it mean to make everything the best thing that ever happened to you? it means: instead of trying to change the other person or situation, you use your energy to change yourself. it means: be creative. create a version of you that hasn’t existed before.

things happen that dredge up big feelings of pain and resistance. what will you do with that energy? will you use it to create a new version of yourself? or will you use it to fight them? fight it? fight everyone? when you choose yourself, you only have to fight one battle, and then it’s done. you can live. but if you want to fight everything and everyone, you’ll never finish. it won’t end. they outnumber you by design. but you should do what you want. there is no wrong answer. either way, you will start to realize that what you want, the gap, distance you want closed, the progress you desire, is the internal one.

some people like to garden. let them remind you that we each were planted into the soil of this earth, into this darkness, so that we could find our way into the light, to blossom, bloom and die. the perfection is in the process. there are no outcomes other than death; until then, it’s just us + these invitations to witness and participate in the unfolding.

124

remember to live.

what is reunion with self? it’s when you remember everything: that you are love embodied. that you are light embodied.

that love is not meant to be earned and cannot be earned. if it’s conditional, then it’s not love; it’s your wound. it’s what your soul brought here to have others awaken for you so that you could feel it and heal it. it’s not the long list of how everyone hurt you and disappointed you and abandoned you. it’s the movie that they had to keep playing over and over until you finally realized that you were watching the story of your own wound, faithfully and unfailingly enacted for you. the movie never changed so you had to change.

you remembered that light is not chased, it is revealed and received. you become your own sanctuary when you realize you were in a prison of your own making.

every ache or struggle in your life points to a place where you’ve splintered off from yourself. where there’s a part of you that’s blocked off from the rest. it doesn’t matter who did it or when. those details matter only insofar as they help you understand more about yourself. it’s not to decode them. it’s the clues you need to decode you. and when you bring all of you back to you, that’s when your real life begins.