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the emptiness.

what happens to the soldier after the battle of his life? who is he beneath the armor, separate from the spirit of war? who is the actress after she has given the performance of her life? having emptied herself to serve as a channel for art, for the story, what now?

there’s a moment after the last encore and closing ceremony that the silence makes clear: they each must now go home. the world has no use for them now that the mission is complete. like the soldier who leaves it all on the battlefield, the actress leaves her dressing room only to find herself back at the flat. nothing has changed, home is as she left it; it just feels a little less real than before. the soldier has a look around, in the privacy of his own dwelling, glances down at his hands and into the mirror, and asks, “who am i, now that i’ve answered the call?” who was that in all the fighting? who was that onstage?

to stand now in the stillness, not unlike the deserted battlefield and now-silent playhouse, the despair of the faithful is in this space that is neither action nor waiting. integration calls only for embodiment of presence; and it is a most unfamiliar and unsettling unknown. this is the role between the roles, the deployment between the deployments. the heat of battle and height of the performance have now made way for a space, an emptiness that doesn’t even know if it wants to be filled.