123

big enough.

if you’re lucky, you’ll get everything you need before you get everything you want.

what does this look like? a smattering of homes that don’t work until you find that safe little cottage that’s finally all yours. they don’t see you until you can finally see yourself; when their eyes are forced open, it doesn’t matter anymore. years of sharpening your mind and building the foundation in silence, so that when the real opportunities arrive, you know there’s nothing in the world you can’t trust you with.

how to prepare: [1] do not let the objects of your small, substitute desires take up space and energy meant for the real thing. surrender to the emptiness. [2] wholeheartedly bless those whose blessings are arriving before yours. surrender to divine timing. [3] expand your capacity to receive, so that body, mind and soul can hold the various forms of enormous fulfillment that have had your name etched into them from the start. surrender your fears and doubts.

let the light guide you to what’s yours. what’s yours has always been yours, even as others have been called to keep your blessings safe until you were big enough to receive fully.

122

ask for help.

dear God, please help me to not punish children for being children. even if, and especially because when i was the small one, i was punished for my limitations, resented as a burden and not cherished for my light.

please help me to not judge people for being human. even if, and especially because when i was still growing, not developing as fast as i wanted, i was rejected and rushed and overlooked for not arriving in my final form, even as i held seeds of potential that just wanted nurture.

please help me to not force my consciousness onto others. i remember how it felt to be controlled, for my thoughts and perspectives to be ignored, censured and suppressed so that my individuality might be bent into compliance. i do not need approval for, agreement with, or validation of my reality any more than someone should need me to tell them what to think or how to see. everyone finds their truth in their own time, and better that than prematurely adopting or being subsumed by an outside agenda. i let people live, think and operate as big or small as they want. i can be me and think what i think and see what i see and do what i do. i don’t have to make sense to people and people don’t need to make sense to me. i have more compassion for all of us, now.

dear God, with your help, i think i can be strong enough to give people what they need from me and nothing they don’t. please, let me give this freely and without question. remind me that the universe operates on the highest consciousness of all, and that everyone has their own path to alignment. let me focus on mine, alone.

121

the correct posture.

what is a king’s proper relationship to the peasants?

should he fear them? they certainly outnumber him and could easily coalesce into a mob. should he resent them? they are simple, after all, with few responsibilities outside their roles within the kingdom, unburdened by the duty of leadership. does he ignore them? they are so far removed from the greater preoccupations of a monarch. does he exploit them? what good are beasts of burden if not to bear them unquestioningly? does he curry favor and pander to them by reminding them that kings and peasants have much more in common than not? might be good to keep them neutralized and happy. or does he recoil in their presence? they do lack certain privileges and are vulgar, at times, often busying themselves (loudly) with matters of little consequence.

no. the correct posture is benevolence. it’s up to him to keep them safe, to anticipate their needs and to protect them. to let them be who they are and to provide for them so that they may walk their own paths. they are his children.

the king must embody the Creator’s own posture towards all of us. and that’s why not everyone gets to be the king. he already knows no one can touch him. and not everyone can hold so much smallness with love instead of fear.

120

that’s how.

after awhile, you realize there are no moves left.

your addictions have lost their lustre; there’s nothing more you can eat, drink, smoke, buy, do, consume into your body to push it down or numb out. there’s nowhere else you can go; there’s not a country or place or person on earth where you can go to hide to become someone else, someone with a different reality, a different task — someone not you.

time won’t even do it; the years spent avoiding, the years spent “not talking” or refusing to engage have amounted to nothing. there is no knife sharp enough to excise it from your reality; all the “cutting off” or “no contact” somehow didn’t stop it from seeping back into your life in the form of other people or circumstances with the same exact energy you refuse to tolerate. it’s there with you still.

deep down, you know that what you’re running from will just be there, waiting for you patiently, after the fact, after the trip, after the rush, after the high, after the gym, after the marathon, after everything you’ve achieved and after all the broken promises of “never again.” nothing works anymore. why? it’s to let you know that the internal work is all that’s left.

you came here with it. everyone and everything you’ve been trying to avoid, numb and deny, they were just the messengers. that’s why they keep getting replaced with new ones. the problem isn’t them. and it’s not even you; you are not the problem. you are the way out. the pain in you is ancient and it is the portal. you’ll find that there are two ways to walk through: you sit with it + you keep going. that’s how.

119

do your part.

what if everyone’s limitations were meant to set you free? that those limitations would be permanent for them but temporary for you? what if that’s not where you were meant to live?

think of that person, place or circumstance: the one you love; the one you’re struggling with. why wouldn’t they want to meet all your needs? do you not share the strain and the pain?

but what if that was the contract? what if this is their gift to you? what if everything they didn’t or couldn’t or wouldn’t give you is everything they gave you? what if they had to be sure not to meet you or love you or see you or hold you all the way so that you could fully meet yourself? what if they had to be so careful to only give you everything you needed instead of everything you wanted?

think about it: how would you like all of your fulfillment to exist only outside of you? for abundance to exist only in your wallet. to have love and connection only in your relationship. to be valued only by that job. it doesn’t work. how long until you notice that you keep leaving your house and your body, knocking on all the wrong doors, to beg for what you already have at home?

there is a cycle underneath all the cycles you’re in right now; break it. break it so that you can find out what’s next. what’s next after the cycle of abuse? resentment? addiction? pain? you won’t find out what’s next, after all the running in circles, until you set yourself free. you won’t find out until you set them free. you will not find out until you release them from the contract. they did their part and now you must do yours.

118

play to win.

are you building atop a wounded foundation? we find out when things fall apart, as we are naturally disinclined to tear down what we build. and yet, every tower moment, every chapter that closes, comes to us as a gift.

psychology and medicine can offer tools to help us identify the fault lines and cracks pointing us to the source, while spiritual practices are what we use to let it all go. forgiveness and detachment are not mental decisions or emotional behaviors. and the only required consensus is internal: the body has to let it go. the heart has to let it go. the soul has to let it go. we become the version of ourselves that finds and heals the wound, releasing what weighs us down. this is what our soul came here to do.

do you know why there’s no single answer to, “what’s the hardest hurt we humans have to heal?” the variety of hurts are innumerable; many of us have more than one, though much suffering stems from a wound of perceived lack or inadequacy.

and here’s the thing: you’ll not find champions among those who entered the game just to prove they were “good enough.” champions play because they know they can win. if not now, then next time. they compete from a place of wholeness, understanding that we have more to learn from our losses than our wins. there’s a big energetic difference between “winner that plays to win” and “loser that plays to win.”

which one are you?

117

the blessing of your life.

allow everyone and everything to be exactly as it is. the pain is meant to help you detach from everything that is not you. you are love. you are an expression of the divine, as is everyone around you. your resistance to how people, places and things express themselves reveals your internal misalignment and not theirs. it’s your opportunity for growth. not theirs.

the earth school is like a cute compost heap that was meant to receive everything we grew tired of dragging around. so whatever is weighing on you –whatever the pain is asking you to release– just give it back. you’re done with it. let it go.

did you know that “collapsing timelines” means you’ll experience demolition at the same time the new build is going up? that it would be dusty, uncomfortable, and take longer than you wanted until you’re living in the miracle and having to shift your entire emotional posture from surviving to thriving? and that that would involve additional construction? and that a house is never “done,” so you must learn to enjoy it for what it is each day?

they don’t tell you this. you don’t think at all about how aptly named this process is until you’re suddenly living in it: the biggest, messiest and most unexpected blessing of your life.

116

the second half.

for the first part of your life, you may find yourself attaching to everyone and everything, claimed by and connected to no one. in the next half, you would detach from everything, with a deepened connection to everyone.

you might have spent the first part of your life ruled by the rules, and the second half deciding your own. or perhaps this time, it was to reclaim childhood. how do you do that? you have a terrible one so that you can give yourself an adulthood that has everything you need and nothing you don’t want. that could be enough and it could be everything: to give yourself a small, safe and stable life lived just for you. that could be the entire mission. who are we to judge?

if a person wanted to understand parenthood, they might have had absent ones, only to find themselves failing at the same task. how else would we learn the gravity of such a calling, had we not chosen to be humbled twice, by both perspectives? that’s probably what it might take for a person to enter their next life in complete awe of the undertaking, committed, ready and willing to give anything and everything for it.

or maybe, you came just to learn it was safe to be yourself; which is why you started out with people who only wanted you if you were performing, which you did, until the mask grew tiresome. one day, you looked into the mirror, and said it to yourself, “i’ll no longer hide what God made. who am i to judge? who is anyone to judge? i am me. this is what God made. i let me be me.” now, these halves are demarcated in private, though the energetic shift is palpable. you’ll start to feel like it’s finally your time, your turn. that’s because it is.

115

choose you.

what if the universe gave you everything you wanted and nothing you needed, like a bad parent? review your personal haves and have-nots with discernment. your most important gifts may be hiding just beneath the surface of your greatest disappointments. what comes to you easily might be hiding all the ways you unconsciously starve and betray yourself.

has your life shortened or lengthened the distance between you and your self? your essence is the spirit and identity that you brought into this earth, together with the growth you signed up to experience. it’s the inner fire, the divine light you were built to express and share with the world. here’s the trouble: the world will punish you or it will reward you for it.

worst case scenario: the world rewards you + you allow the distance between you and yourself to grow. best case scenario: the world punishes you + you allow this to bring you closer to who you really are and what you came here to be.

what if the world rewards you for being what they want and not who you are? are you strong enough to choose yourself anyway? or do you become part of the machine? what if the world punishes you for who you are and the energy you bring? are you strong enough to choose yourself anyway? do you allow your light to shine brighter or will you dim yourself because it hurts to make everyone uncomfortable?

remember that when people and places reject you, that’s the divine choosing you, and it’s an invitation for you to do the same. the divine never created anything “not good enough.” plants grow. that’s their entire job: to grow, to change. the divine has created things it expects to grow. so you know when that “not good enough” message comes up, it is the divine inviting you to learn, grow and choose yourself.

114

a cup with holes in it.

love doesn’t hurt. it’s what’s not love that hurts.

if you don’t become the love, safety and abundance you seek, you won’t know it when you have it. you will not know the difference between what you want (the real thing) and what you don’t (its opposite or a cleverly disguised substitute). if you don’t become the source, you will continue to seek outside yourself. you will settle for less. this will keep you in a cycle of survival, which keeps the real thing away, and delays or obstructs the flow of blessings into your life.

why? because a person starving wouldn’t know the difference between breadcrumbs and the entire loaf, fresh from stale, a stolen loaf from bread baked just for you. the real thing is wasted on a person who is starving for it. we can’t have it all until we remember we are whole. the cup, the vessel, must repair the holes punched into it by the energy of lack.

and it’s ok. some of us learn from contrast: experiencing many years, or even lifetimes of struggle, so that we may fully transform, understand and receive. even if we have had our eye on the prize from birth, sometimes the longest, steepest path is the surest. because by the time we arrive, we can trust ourselves to bring the deepest reverence and respect for the magnitude of our blessings, having cleared away the false clouds of deprivation and scarcity. we will have stepped into the version of ourselves that was meant to know, recognize and hold what’s ours. realizing we didn’t need anything outside of us to become who we came here to be.

113

we meet ourselves.

others will know your energy before you know your own. what kind of people do you come from? do they tell you to sit down, stay quiet and move to the back? they know you have big energy, standing head and shoulders above the rest. do you find yourself saddled with expectations and obligations? have you always been an adult? the peacemaker? the glue? you carry the weight of the world because you are a royal bitch. born to peasants when you were meant to walk with kings.

people know this, but they won’t tell you. they will make you feel small. you will be made to owe and serve. there will be no shortcuts, no benefit of the doubt, and no grace for you. the world will feel cruel. you will go around thinking little of yourself, a gift in disguise, hiding in plain sight, until different people start to notice. you will be surprised.

you will come to realize that every person you meet represents a choice. ask yourself, “what is this telling me about me? and do i believe it?” here’s what’s next: [1] you will move towards the people and places that reflect your light back to you, [2] you will bless those who reveal to you your own shadows, and [3] you will lighten your load by releasing what’s not yours.

you will balance being with the becoming. whether you believe we started out perfect, or born to a particular path, we were meant to leave this earth better than we came. you must first hear, see and feel what the world is telling you. and then you must go home, where you will learn to listen closely for the voice of your soul, feel your own feelings, and use your own eyes to see who you are. ask the universe to show you what’s true. ask for what’s right and ask for what’s good for you. why would you have anything less?

112

the rest.

one day, you’ll realize that you are no one’s child. even if you were, even if for just five minutes, you are that child no longer. it’s over now. this is when you know you are safe from ruining love. and that is no small thing, as it’s happened before.

you should know that the only absolute obligation on this earth is that you parent yourself. even if your parents didn’t parent you. especially if your parents didn’t parent you. this responsibility is magnitudes greater than that of any parent. for example: a parent may abandon you; you may not abandon yourself. a parent does not owe you their happiness; the only person that owes you their personal happiness is you.

this is when you meet yourself: the real you, no longer a child, now the willing adult. the new you has come online. she exists only because your younger parts were howling so loud that it woke her up. she remembers now why she came. it was to put all these girls to sleep for the last time. they are tired now, and need a rest.

111

and why not.

in your life, you’ll meet people who only see what they’ve been allowed to look at. hear only what they tell themselves. deliver the message and play the part. these are your teachers.

you’ll also find those who can see past what you’ve shown them, listen and hold you, sing the song you needed to remember and almost forgot. they believe in the future, and that you deserve it, too. these are your guides.

you’ll not find all these pieces where you thought. you’ll have parents as your competition, your enemy, your child. siblings that are strangers. grandparents that never met you. neighbors who know your whole life. friends that became sisters. brothers from acquaintances. aunts, uncles and godparents that forget. mentors that kept you close. colleagues that adopted you into their litters.

how else would you know justice until you recognized it separate from the law? loyalty separate from family? love separate from commitment? responsibility separate from the role? and why not? every time your heart breaks, the pieces come back together bigger and stronger. hold yourself and you’ll be able to hold even more.

110

daily renewal.

like sisyphus and prometheus, we too, are immortal souls subject to a daily renewal.

sisyphus has his boulder and he will never reach the top. prometheus has his liver torn out by an eagle each day at lunchtime; the eagle will never stop. why do the myths speak of daily punishment, setting this expectation that pain will naturally issue from a destiny fulfilled? why do our days bring the promise of routine destruction and nothing more?

because the other half is up to us; we bring the balance. to the regularly scheduled program of meaningless destruction we must bring ourselves to consciously create our own freedom and meaning. the gift of free will must be exercised not just once, at the very beginning, but at the start of each day, as the eagle draws nigh, and as the summit comes into view, come nightfall.

we are in the middle. we are not the mysterious divine force that has set all into motion. we are not the inanimate rock or a task-laden creature. we are this soul. we have a body consciousness that must be transcended, even as any progress must be undone and remade on a daily basis.

109

be the balance.

we came to this planet not just to create and destroy, but to enjoy and rebalance. energy wants equilibrium. nature gives us water in its states, the moon with its phases, days and the year under a star we call the sun. to the naked eye and under a microscope, nature demonstrates seasons, cycles and balance. this is how we know we are supported in our efforts.

in our lives, we must ask ourselves, what does this situation need? how can i be or bring about balance? when you know what’s missing, you know what needs to be done, and that’s when you will feel the divine move with you, through you. remember that time is not real; we will all eventually be brought back into balance, whether we like it or not. how do you think all human civilizations know the great flood? because we tend to forget.

it’s not a conversation if all you do is answer a thousand questions and nothing more. it’s not a relationship if all you do is give. a human being that focuses exclusively on the human doing has lived only half a life. you are a force of nature, equally subject to laws of the universe. balance is coming for you or balance is coming from you.

108

top of the mountain.

sometimes you have to be the worst or weakest version of yourself before the real you can emerge. the onion analogy is fine, but there’s nothing at the center of an onion. how about this instead: for as long as a snake is alive, it has to continually shed old skins and avoid suffocating inside expired identities. there is a future that must be told. energy wants motion. when we remain stagnant, it’s what we don’t want that grows stronger, instead.

what is the difference between temptation and an invitation? temptation beckons with an obvious reward; you already know what happens next. temptation brings a false sense of certainty with the bargain, and reward becomes punishment. invitations are initiations; something will have to be destroyed or exchanged for something else, and you won’t know what exactly. invitations are gifts that arrive sealed, in an envelope, and you accept when you decide to open. now, you’ll have to remember that discomfort is not punishment. the old shoes have to come off before you can put on new ones. and we may have to walk awhile barefoot, in full faith.

what next, after you get to the top? don’t worry. there is no “top of the mountain.” it’s just the next peak after the next peak. but you’ll be wearing nicer shoes and having a better time. there will be plenty of mountain until the end.

107

everything wonderful.

want something you don’t have? maybe you need to want it more and need it less. when we don’t need anything, we are open to receive what comes. more will find its way into your hands if they aren’t locked into fists. when we know we are whole and worthy of everything wonderful, the illusion of lack dissolves, we release the distortions of inadequacy that keep us small, and what we want flows easily.

we build strength as we carry the weight of our solitude (happily, as we become stronger, the load itself becomes lighter) and embody certainty as the path unfolds. can you close your eyes and see? can you decide from the inside out and not from the outside in? can you distinguish between the voice of your ego and the call of your soul? can you let your full heart guide you?

if everything in your life is a blessing or a lesson, then everything in your life is a blessing. if rejection is protection or redirection, then everything is love or it is bringing you closer. if disappointment is opportunity in disguise, then everything is always opening up for you; there’s no reason to wince or shrink when things happen. anytime the world tells you, “no,” you must tell yourself, “yes.”

remember that you are not just in this world. you are in this universe; your life is a conversation with the universe. you are how the divine dances with itself.

106

want it.

if it’s not mine, i don’t want it. i only want what’s mine. this is the mantra, the affirmation, that will simplify your life.

you have to want what you want bad enough that you become unwilling to tolerate what’s not yours. the changeling is a powerful concept that asks if we can tell the difference between what’s ours, what belongs to us, and what’s not. the changeling is what the fairies place in our lives after they’ve taken what’s ours. it looks like ours but it doesn’t feel like ours because nothing can be what it’s not. we are not meant to be content with the substitute or replacement for what belongs to us, and to us alone.

they say that what’s ours is ours, it’s already on the way and what belongs to us won’t miss us. that’s great. but what about us? what if we can’t tell the difference? what if we continue to hold, cling and grasp onto what’s not ours – what belongs to someone else now? what’s ours will have to wait. what belongs to us will remain on the other side of the door.

what stands between us and what’s ours is everything that does not belong to us: the lies, the confusion, the illusions, the limitations, the pain and the fear. it all has to go. we must tolerate the space and uncertainty that comes with releasing what’s not ours. we will experience a temporary emptiness until we can remember there’s nothing we lack.

you want something? say, “God, give me what’s mine and don’t let me waste my own time.” you don’t know why? say, “God, show me what’s meant and do not let me force my intent.” surrender becomes our certainty and that’s how the door opens.

105

inside out.

saying, being and doing. which one is most powerful? it depends. our words are the magic spells that connect and divide us, that can just as quickly destroy, or serve to elevate and affirm. words are power when we believe them; they take a life of their own as they repeat in our minds. words are oral history and can bridge us to the future. but have you ever made empty promises to yourself or wasted words telling people what to do? words have their limits.

we have a practical preference for more doing and less talking. words carry wisdom and they can become tiresome. beyond the exchange of thoughts and ideas, we are here on earth, as love made manifest, to ourselves make manifest. what are we doing with our lives? whatever we want or dream about, we naturally want less talking about it and more being about it. energy is the loudest force in the world because energy doesn’t lie. who you are is more resonant than what you’ve said or done. energy both animates and obscures the speaking and doing. people come and go, life moves forward or we stay stuck, not because of what we say or do, but based on the energy and frequency of our vibration.

your presence is your purpose. who are you as you sit with yourself? do you have more to uncover and grow? “good to others” and “good in the world” is a reflection of who you are inside. power moves from the inside out. we are here to remake and reclaim ourselves; this is the force that changes the world around us.

104

have your cake.

pain, discomfort and pleasure. these are your guides. pain alerts us to what’s wrong, what needs to go. pain requires us to detach from danger or negativity. pain often presents as a puzzle: why are we constantly trying to push it away, push it down or pretend it’s not happening? because it arises with people, places and things to which we are attached. pain lets us know where we are not free.

discomfort is the path; pain is not the path and neither is pleasure. what’s making you uncomfortable? whatever it is, it’s telling you where you need to change. discomfort is the price of growth. there are people who are comfortable being miserable; they have already abandoned themselves and they will just as easily abandon you. while you cannot trust a man with a high tolerance for pain, you can trust the man who is willing to tolerate the discomfort of his own transformation.

pleasure is a tricky guide. she could easily lead you down the path of comfort, complacency and empty desire. but you want her to show you what’s good, not reveal your greed. pleasure connects us with the body and to earthly delights. we are here for two reasons: to grow and to enjoy what’s good. pleasure is a guide that must be tempered with discernment. you may have to allow her to lead you astray before you can fully appreciate the paradox of pleasure; it is entirely possible to have your cake and eat it too.