203

no prices; only prizes.

do you ever think about the price you pay just to be who you are? what if there’s no price; only prizes?

on the other side of everything you didn’t get is everything you get to have. it just takes a minute for your eyes to adjust. for example, lucky you that blue skies make you happy and clouds make you sad. why should colors and gray feel the same in your soul? what a gift! who would want to be ambivalent or untouched by a sunny day?

disappointment is a gift, too. it bores a hole straight into your heart for joy to make its way through. cry long enough and your sadness melts into gratitude. gotta maybe cry more if this hasn’t happened to you yet.

how do we know this is the way it works? because we are here to create. we are here to create meaning, to create this life, to create art. we are here to make a way, if we haven’t yet found one, or if all other paths have been closed to us.

all things exist on a continuum. all prices eventually become prizes and there comes a price for the earlier prizes. everything is a function of time. even as nothing changes if nothing changes if nothing changes if nothing changes …

202

inside voices.

all of the outside voices are just screaming what the inside voices dare not speak aloud. whether it’s to do with your gifts, shortcomings, fears or doubts, what you’re hearing from the people, places and things around you is in resonance with what you carry within.

you wouldn’t know what your inside voices were saying if the outside didn’t reflect it for you. and why would you? the negative voices, especially, are just trying to stay hidden and stowed safely in the belly of the ship, hoping to secretly steer your entire life into the rocks without you even knowing, for as long as possible.

and this is where you source your gratitude. because if you don’t like what the outside voices are saying, that’s not where you fix it. you fix the inside voices. you tell yourself the truth. that’s how the outside voices begin to change their tune.

some would say that the outside voices inform the inside voices. that’s possible, too. life can be understood how you like. but what if the outside voices come around for the sole purpose of triggering the rot so you can finally release it?

karma doesn’t really get spread around. we choose to take it on and we can choose to clear it. it’s up to you. we become free just as soon as we remember we are.

201

seasons were enough.

what if the seasons were enough? enough reason for a soul to come down. what if the only reason you decided it was worth one more turn of the wheel was to be able to witness the moon wax and wane in different parts of the sky? for the energy of the ram and the scales and the seagoat every year-and-a-day? to watch our stars rise and dance in the dark?

to see how the clouds paint sunsets and sunrise through fall and winter? just to see chartreuse emerge triumphant in spring? for pure blue ocean and sky in the middle of july? for cinnamon spice and nutmeg in autumn, pine and peppermint winters, florals for spring and ripe fruit in summer?

for the way we use color and symbols to mark time as celebration of death, decay and life. because if we live time as a flat line from birth, we are only going in one direction. but if we allow existence as a spiral, we get to visit the pumpkin patch and strawberry farm and apple orchard and christmas tree lot, first as children, and then, as we recreate the holidays, we continue to see through new eyes.

it doesn’t just have to be bills and scheduled maintenance and vacations that get us out of the house every time it’s too cold or too hot. it can be magic. it can be why we came back for another look around.

200

personal myth.

each day, you tell yourself a story. is it the right one?

who is the hero? is it you? what’s driving the plot? is it your body or your soul? are you rushing character development or do you allow the unfolding? is the sun always shining in scene? is the moon always full? or do you allow seasons in this story? are you putting everyone under the best lights? or are you saving budget for something else more important?

stories, like nature, demonstrate balance and reveal asymmetry. if we want men who can offer presence, and can protect and provide, we have to show them they are valued, protected, provided for and held, consistently, without them having to earn it, from when they are small. if we expect women to soften, connect, nurture and create life, we have to show them they are worthy of softness, connection, safety and nurture, without them having to perform or censor themselves, from when they are young.

when we don’t do these things, when we tell the kids they have permission to exist only under certain conditions, they act out the imbalance into adulthood. until it hurts enough to stop. until they can reclaim the personal myth and embody what was not provided at the start.

199

line in the sand.

what if today is the day? the day you give up evil speech? they say evil speech is negative because it “leaks light.” so if you’ve been going around saying, “the emperor has no clothes,” that’s not helping. it’s hurting. why? because it cuts holes into people’s certainty, sowing doubt and chaos.

when we abstain from evil speech, it signals trust in God; trust that the truth will be revealed in divine timing. trust that we don’t have to take it upon ourselves to make everyone uncomfortable, telling them things they can’t hear yet and have gone out of their way to avoid. not everyone wants the truth. judgment invites judgment. the temptation to evil speech is greatest when others weaponize chaos, authority or mediocrity. it’s a test. chaos invites chaos. do not accept.

let odin, the norse all-father, be your hero. odin cut out his human eye to receive the eye of wisdom. we know that evil speech arises from the human eye, which serves justice through discernment, deftly separating good from bad, right from wrong, wheat from chaff. the eye of wisdom is the eye of truth. and truth is higher than justice because truth requires no process, no weighing, no separating, no balance. truth is the blade. truth just is; it belongs to the gods, to the divine, and you can’t have it if you’re still leaking light through the evil speech that arises from your own discernment.

but what do i do instead? if i’m not bingeing and drinking and consuming to push down the truth that wells up inside me; if i’m not vomiting out this evil speech to let everyone know what’s really going on … what is to become of me?

you keep your truth inside you. resisting temptation expands your vessel for blessings. the truth transmutes into wisdom. and you leave the rest to God.

198

old photographs.

when you look at the old photos, you’ll notice them a bit blurry. it’s not just that technology has improved. you also didn’t know what deserved focus. there wasn’t a lot of clarity back then. and even when there was, lighting conditions could be less than ideal.

you’ll see how the depth of your compositions changed. you always tried to maximize each frame. but the zoom introduces distortion to the obvious lack of perspective; amateurs don’t always understand the magic they’re seeing. are we capturing an ordinary moment in a special way? or are we grabbing a souvenir? the early works feel documentarian, if not obviously contrived; visual receipts of people, places and items, duly noted. no interesting angles; not a lot of experimentation. and yet, there is this sense of wanting more that pushes through. you kept going until all the taking became giving.

true artistry is a way of living. you grow into it. and it’s not about the medium or any formal training. artists interact with the world a certain way. to be an artist is to create. it’s to be so fully present in your own experience, in your own perspective, that you are compelled to share. this is what colors everything around us. even the most seasoned artists are still climbing, spying for the next summit.

197

what you’ll find.

what you’ll find, after you’ve shed your last tear for all those broken connections, is that you’re not attached to anyone. no one holding you is no one holding you back. from the one who only wanted to belong, no matter the cost, is the monster who needs no one.

what you’ll find, after you’ve shed your last tear for the people and places that never saw you, is fidelity to your own vision. no one seeing you is no one stopping you. from the one who wanted only to please, always striving and learning to see herself through the eyes of others, is the monster who belongs only to herself and trusts only her own perception.

what you’ll find, after you’ve shed your last tear for all the people and places that could hardly tolerate you for existing in this field, is clarity. from the one who was confused and unsure and couldn’t understand the rules, even as she was determined to keep playing, is the monster who has made up her own mind that the game is over.

do you want to know how to make a person that always does the right thing? you punish them every time they do. and when you see them choosing what’s right, even if it brings them pain, that’s how you know they can be trusted. you learn yourself as you learn your prison. and then you are free.

196

let it.

whatever it is that arrives to empty you, let it.

how do you know that’s what it’s trying to do? because you’re crying about it. you’re trying to smoke and shop and drink and use and eat to fill the emptiness inside you. the trick is to remember that it’s not growing. you are. that’s why the emptiness feels so cavernous each time. and you’ve already found that it takes more and more to fill it. so stop trying. all that doing is what got you here. it’s time to just be with it, in it.

exist in your own emptiness. let everything out: all your mistakes, regrets and blessings. these memories of your mistakes and “coulda beens” come up for a visit just as soon as there’s a bit of shame, a younger, lonelier version of you that did the regretful thing, that knows it’s safe now to finally be seen and loved and brought home.

sometimes the feelings don’t announce themselves as clearly. some drift in and linger like a permanent saudade; a sense of something missing and gone forever, even as you know how much is actually so good in your life.

do you know why it’s not enough? because you’re growing. and this perennial emptiness that graces you is showing you just how. the emptiness is not for you to tolerate. it’s a signal to the universe that you’re ready.

195

safekeeping.

not everything i have in this moment belongs to me. some of it i am holding in trust; i have it now but only for safekeeping. i know what’s mine hasn’t always been with me, and much of it is still on its way. someone else kept it safe for me until the time was right that it should come home, where it belongs.

this is why we must be gentle as we tend our belongings. we must love what’s in our life now. because we don’t know how long it stays with us, and we want to send it on its way in good condition, if not better than we found it.

have you ever received someone or something and ached for how rough or how poorly it was handled? it’s not nice; though we can do our best to rehabilitate old leather, dry wood and bruised hearts. there are ways for that. healing can be art.

a lot of us pass through this life, worse for the wear. but it doesn’t always have to be this way. we can be careful. we can be kind. we can be honored guests, custodians and stewards. we can let compassion take root. it sometimes requires a bit of slower living. but what were we rushing towards, anyway?

194

feeling as fabric.

imagine your feelings as the finest silk organza, passing through the corridor of your soul. the wind carries it in, and now what? because it’s become caught and snagged. you just so happen to have these rusted nails, screws without heads, other rough timber and splintered wood that catch on the fabric. it can’t move through you until after you’ve found what’s sharp, and removed or hammered it in. once you’ve smoothed over that patch of drywall and sat with the torn fabric, lifeless on the ground, the wind will pick up again to carry this feeling up and out of your system.

and one day, after you’ve cleared a bit more, someone will show you the salt that sits in their wounds. they’ll give you their map of ancient hurts and humble progress. you will be touched by the beauty of their cartography and they’ll feel how deeply you can love them, if only they’d let you. you are a mirror to how brightly their soul shines in darkness.

together, you’ll create an estuary where their saltwater flows into your freshwater, and you’ll find yourselves in the present, unmasked. these moments don’t last long; they endure in resonance, in this frequency that changes both of you. and that’s the gift: how your private experiences changed and were reflected in the other.

this is the alchemy. and it’s no small thing.

193

here to do.

if you’re a fire, burn bright. if you’re a lamp, shine your light. if you are water, nourish your earth. air must explore its world. even if no one sees. even if there’s no company for the journey. even if your gift is too much, too soon.

if you’re a seed, allow yourself to be planted. bloom if you’re a flower. ripen if you’re a fruit. reach for the sky if you’re a tree. even if no one waters you. even if no one picks you. even if you wither on the vine. even if you are felled by the wind.

if you are a builder, you build. over and over. even if it all comes down. if you are a runner, you must go the distance. you must hit your top speed. even if they try to stop you. even if the finish line is nowhere in sight. if you are a soldier, you must fight. if you are a dancer, you dance. stage or no stage. partnered or not. in silence, if you have to. if you have a story, let it be told. even only for yourself.

why? because the only thing for you to do is to be. who you are and what you do is an invitation that no one has to accept. it’s not for them. you are an expression of the divine, which is whole and complete and exists for its own sake. for its own pleasure. remember that. and remember, too, if you are love, then you must love.

192

this life, sun, moon and sky.

the moon doesn’t care if the waves are coming or going. she knows it’s her energy that pulls the tides. reflecting light, as her movements mirror the emotions of life. the moon flows. she doesn’t worry about you. she just loves you forever.

the sun doesn’t care if he’s burning you or blinding you. the sun shines for himself, containing and creating life. he doesn’t worry about you. the sun is fire, along with his faraway brothers, glittering as beacons in the night.

people talk a lot about redemption in the afterlife. but it can happen now. redemption is available inside the life you’re living. and when you choose this moment to release any false delays, you erase the illusion of time. yesterday isn’t real anymore, so you can forgive it. you can forgive them and you can forgive yourself. the future is a construct that hasn’t landed for you yet. you can turn the page and give yourself a real tomorrow.

clouds are how thoughts hold emotion; drops of water suspended in the wind, giving color to our days. and as the clouds tend to obscure our celestial guides, there’s a gentle relief in not always having to know where we are or where we’re going. clouds are of the moment. always shifting. as are you, if you’ll allow it.

191

depends on the day.

depending on the day, you will be shown what’s good. you’ll be ready for it and all of it will be for the good.

you’ll be shown your beauty, in case you forgot. or if you hadn’t ever seen it before. you’ll be shown the hidden pipes that still leak, when you’re ready to get under the house and fix them. you’ll find the opening to the rabbit hole beyond the rabbit hole when you’re ready to venture further. you’ll be shown all the ways you are still trying to beg, borrow and steal when you’re ready to become your own medicine. you’ll find the termites in the timber when you’re ready to stop eating yourself alive. you will see there is no pestilence or disease in the world that must not first be healed in you. the call is always coming from inside.

how can any of this be good, you might ask? because when you clean it, you can claim it. it can belong to you. and the more you can belong to yourself, the less often you’ll find yourself at the street corner, giving it away for free. trying to trade your silver dollar for 15 cents—just to feed the meter.

190

my bandages.

do you like my bandages? i made them myself. from outfits i don’t wear anymore. i have learned to dress my own wounds. i’ve learned the timing; they need to be covered and they need to breathe. but only i know the when and how. my wounds want washing and sometimes a bit of ointment. there’s a heat that emanates as they alchemize. sometimes this itches, sometimes it swells. it’s not great.

but i’ve learned to tend to me. i don’t need you to bring me your scraps. i have plenty of fabric. and when these bandages become soaked and soiled, they go straight into the compost. i don’t reuse them. they turn into something else. just as i do.

and when the new, pink vulnerable skin finally begins to close, that’s just for me. i’m still not ready to be out and about. the deeper layers need to grow in for the dermis to complete. i’m not going outside just for this baby skin to get sunburned and scar even before new me has had a look around.

it’s interesting how the world remakes itself as i do. because when my skin heals, so does my vision. so does my heart. and it becomes easier to live in proper reverence for what all we are really doing here.

189

protect me.

when i protect you from my negativity, i remind myself that i’m safe. and that’s how i keep you safe. when you protect me from your negativity, you remind yourself that you’re strong. that’s how you keep me safe. when i can keep my side of the street clean, i avoid junking up your view, you have the freedom to sweep your side as you see fit, and together, we keep the neighborhood property values high.

when i tend to the younger selves that still live with me, you don’t have to hear the screaming from these little ones who would happily burn down the entire house just to see you come running. when you tend to all the pets and plants you’ve taken in, i don’t have to worry that you’ve turned your life into an emergency room hospital zoo. we each retain the privacy we need to do God’s work: that which has been assigned to us and is ours alone.

sometimes, the winds blow a little too strong and i have to bring my entire house down to the studs. i’m allowed to start over when i’m ready to rebuild. and you’re happy for me that i get to live in a house that remakes itself; that every whenever, i get to be brand-new, without shame for what i outgrew.

188

to be rescued.

do you wish to be rescued? we all do, but sometimes the desire gets extra loud, extra distracting and uncomfortable. pushing its way to the front of your mind, to the center of your awareness. you can hear the words clearly and distinctly. but what’s important is not the content of the wish. it’s not the who/what. no. it’s finding the part of you that’s signaling to “save our ship.” you gotta find her and bring her home.

she’ll keep yelling out for what she wants and it will hurt. follow the pain. follow the sound of her sobbing; her tantrum, the hollering, the meltdown. know that it’s not about delivering what this younger part of you is crying out for. she doesn’t know what she wants. she is calling out for what she thinks she wants. but that’s not it.

she just wants you. you are the rescue. it’s time. you’re ready. keep walking and you’ll find her. don’t stop for a drink. set aside what you were doing. don’t distract yourself rescuing someone else or solving other people’s problems. don’t cover your ears. she won’t cry herself to sleep this time.

just find her, find the wound, wash it out, stop the bleeding. hold her and understand her until she stops crying.

187

in your own lap.

do you know what sitting in your own lap looks like? it looks like you were the one that had to understand the adults (and their motives) from when you were small. that it was their game and their rules for you to learn. they didn’t have to understand you; you were the one that had to figure it out. you had to hear their trauma and sort the dirty laundry even as this burned a new and different trauma in you.

and even if it didn’t, even if it simply awakened the karma you yourself had packed for lunch, it still hurt. of course it did. it hurt that their feelings mattered more than yours. it hurt that you would always know more about them and their stories than they would ever know about you, for you.

you learned how to be the big spoon. so you went around looking for little spoons. because you knew what it was like to always be holding and never held. you would never want the people you (would come to) love experience that—so help you God. and of course that’s not what they wanted. so it was lonely. there wasn’t ever anyone’s lap you could crawl into. maybe for a second, sometimes? but they’d immediately want to switch and you just didn’t have the heart to say “no.” it would not have been possible. because that’s not your heart.

either way, what you noticed was that not a lot of people wanted to stay in your arms for too long, anyway. so you got good at it. knowing that all days have a number, you held people when they came, with all your might. you learned to make every house a home, even the worst ones. but let me tell you that one day, you will find yourself home, alone, somewhere beautiful. somehow having built a little life that feels a lot like the lap you always wanted.

186

the nicest people.

do you ever wonder why it was always the nicest people that hurt you? how it was always the nicest people with the best intentions that stood firmly in your way? blocking your dreams. denying your requests. even after you had filled the forms and performed the requisite supplication? they were always putting others ahead. telling you they wished for better but just couldn’t; because they wouldn’t. and both of you knew.

it was always the nicest men and women (God-fearing, gentle parents, the kind you’d want as neighbors) who ended up treating you like a threat, an aberration, requiring the corrective hand. going out of their way to make an example of you, instead of quietly offering you the benefit of the doubt or constructive reframe. they needed to demonstrate the integrity of the system they served. making sure to document the case and protect others from the harm you posed, to prevent cheating; that you might never be in danger of receiving more than your due.

you felt that. and it was also not allowed to make them the enemy. you had to believe alongside them that the enemy was you. they always said the beatings would continue until morale improved. and they got away with it. fair or not. they didn’t have to change. you did. you had a lesson to learn where they had a lesson to deliver.

and that’s because it was God asking them to. the universe entrusted delivery of this lifegiving curriculum to the nicest people in the world for a reason.

you’ll notice, too, that not everyone needed to be shown the Source. not everyone needs the truth. but let me give it to you here for free; hard-won, and now i’m giving it away: everything you ever wanted that’s been denied you was never going to come from them. what’s yours is yours and it comes from God, flowing through what’s around you or found deep within. that’s it. so bless them and thank them for being so nice. because they were always telling you the truth.

185

it will come.

the day you realize absolutely nothing is within your control. that you are at the complete mercy of God. the day it finally and fully lands that the divine has a path for you. you’ll know it as you walk it, not a moment in advance. and it could be leading nowhere. how would you know? you’ll just have to believe in your own pot of gold. that it’s in you to be revealed by you.

and here’s the thing. people assume the day that brings you to your knees would be one of great loss, pain, suffering or tragedy. it might be. but it might have also been the loveliest, lightest, most unexpected day. where all you had to do was be you. to be instead of do. for once. no role but your own. and this will kill the ego faster than anything.

because for many of us, complete light and mercy will feel even sharper than what has for decades ached for relief, fulfillment, rest or release. because at least there was always something you could do about “what was wrong.” a problem is always thirsting for a solution. and even if it’s not you that solves it, there’s plenty to distract ourselves in the meantime. so much numbing and running and strategizing to fill the mind. lots of gossip and analysis.

but your own goodness? where all you have to do is receive it and believe it? that crumples the ego in a way you won’t expect. and that’s the day everything changes. it creates a wormhole to the present moment, to where you always were; it’s just that you can perceive its true texture now.

184

the show.

either the adult puts on a show or the child puts on a show. but someone is always having to put on a show. because life is hard. and we all need a show of love, a show of “everything is going to be fine,” a show of “i see you” and “you’re doing such a good job. i am so proud of you.” it’s such an important show.

but sometimes the show is, “i’m being good, i promise.” “you don’t have to worry about me.” “i will be perfect for you and make you proud; i understand that you’re too busy for the real me.” “i can help you. see me making myself less of a burden?” “i know better than to add to your problems. i’m sorry for getting it wrong.”

someone is always taking care of someone, and this is a beautiful thing. because it helps you recognize the few instances the “taking care of” is mutual and complete.

until then, others will come along, teaching you how to receive “being taken care of” without your having to perform for it. the first time will be like a revelation. but know that it is you who is being revealed, not them. they love you but they don’t show you everything; because with all their love, what they are doing is giving you the show.

and this is how the entire story of your life blesses you.