183

the whole thing.

the whole thing is your soul’s curriculum in love. do you run from it? chase it? trust it? reserve it for some and not others? do you deserve it after you earn it? or do you deserve it because you exist? now, what about everyone else? you love them now or do you love them later, after they’ve apologized? after they’ve done enough to make you happy?

what were you told? first, they lie to you. then you believe the lie; you entertain doubt. and then you tell the truth to yourself. this is the process God allows.

because God doesn’t love you after you’ve made everyone in your life happy. God loves you now. God isn’t waiting to connect with some improved, future version of you. you’re connected now; always have been. and disconnection from others, love withheld by others — that’s just the illusion, the curriculum you asked for, delivered faithfully (even if delivered unconsciously) by other souls in the same school as you.

maybe you’ve not signed up for all the same classes, but we find each other in the playground and that’s where these things happen: betrayal, abandonment, pain and rejection. gifts that remind us: if you ever find yourself looking to the left and looking to the right with no friends by your side, look above and look within. you’ll find that to be alone is to be held in very good company, if you’ll have it.

182

built for connection.

do you know why you crave connection so badly? connection is what shatters the primary illusion of separation that blinds the collective consciousness. we suffer from this illusion of separation from one another, from what we desire, what we reach for, from ourselves, from the past and from the future. separation from God is an illusion. connection is what fills the gaps, the fractures that cement the holy energetic mosaic that surrounds us and comprises all that we are.

trust and surrender are the only way out. trusting that we chose this. surrendering to the game.

trust and surrender are the only way in. trusting and surrendering to the divinity within and without. trusting and surrendering to the noise, chaos, pain, silence, to the process and to the joy that is available in every moment.

when we remember that disconnection, separation, waiting, delay, rejection and cruelty are the exact illusions we needed to break the body consciousness —so that we might finally begin to access the eternal unity consciousness of the soul— we lower our tolerance for the numbing, distractions and palliatives we ever used to dim, contort and compromise what we came here to do.

181

coffee grounds and banana peels.

the thing you think you want that you forget is actually already inside you? you will eat it out of the trash until you remember.

because God won’t ever lie to you. the universe will not give you the thing if you’re still confused about it.

love will not come to you until you remember it inside. abundance will not manifest until you remember that you are a direct channel for Source energy. good health will elude you until you understand the extent to which you must bless and heal yourself. belonging will not extend its hand until you learn to belong to yourself. no one will choose you until you remember that you are already chosen by God and held in divine love, that each day is an opportunity for you to choose yourself. you will not experience validation until you remember that you do not need the external to reflect your worth, that you exist even without a mirror to provide visual confirmation. safety and stability will not land until after you learn to protect and hold yourself as your own container. you have to take care of you before anyone else can.

whatever you’re struggling with will keep happening until you understand. it’s not about breaking a cycle or pattern by doing something new; it’s about remembering what’s always been true about you.

180

playing small.

baby girl, do you ever resent that they keep asking you to play small? do you ever feel the sting? like salt in the wound? that’s because it is. if you walk into the ocean whole, you can swim in the energy without it getting under your skin. and there’s really no nice way to be micromanaged, to have the heel of a tyrant on your neck.

so remember this: God himself is divinity playing small under each of these human masks. every single one of us is already the infinite “playing small,” enjoying a little game called “humanity.” but it’s human nature to forget, to imagine this earth as the center of the universe, to grasp, to be fearful, to resist the fact that the emperor has no clothes.

there’s just too much at stake. it’s actually very scary, and a painful process, to remember our own magnitude. it requires so much; all the (false) constructs that perpetuate the lies must be set aflame and reduced to ash. no one else can do this for you. and that’s why no one does it.

so next time they ask you to play small, oblige them. but oblige them the way God does: generously. because there’s really no other way for it to happen. everyone and everything is temporary. remember that it’s a dance and not a battle. and you won’t see it this way until you can open your own eyes to how sorely you have always had them outmatched.

179

all colors.

men as boys are taught that the only two crayons they can use, the two types of feelings society will tolerate from them, are sexuality and anger. women as girls, by contrast, are taught that they may use the entire box of crayons, minus the two that belong to the boys, so long as they color within the lines and as instructed. we need to let our girls know that art in technicolor flows naturally through each of us, and for our boys to know that all colors belong to them just the same.

the divine is embodied here, in each of us, for the highs, lows, losses and redemptions of the human experience. we are not meant to apologize for our might, our light, or our humanity.

we then go on to teach boys that their feelings don’t matter, not even to themselves, and that the only person who would ever care how they feel is their woman. if she doesn’t, then there’s no one. we teach girls that they must provide for themselves, lest they go hungry, and that to receive, to be connected, would leave them vulnerable to harm. we teach our children that they are alone in these most profound ways, that what we need must be outsourced or extracted, or that we will inevitably go without — that our worth lies only in what we achieve and produce. this isn’t right and it is exactly how we built a cruel, unsafe world from the inside out.

178

armored and unmoored.

everyone gets hurt when they’re little. and we each learn to fashion our own armor the best way we know how. this is armor no one can take away from us.

for some it is the armor of invisibility. for others it is the armor that dazzles and shines. but we each will be given as much time as we need to feel the weight of that armor. to carry it on our backs. to forget our own faces because we’ve become used to seeing a battle mask in the glass.

only the warrior can decide when she’s ready for peace. only the soldier can decide when he tires of war. and this is the journey. we can learn to stop apologizing for who we are, defending who we are, hiding who we are, and performing who we are when we surrender the armor in exchange for the freedom to be who we are. to experience who we are.

and if we are lucky, we get to have both: years behind the armor (imagining the battle outside) and a present unmasked, with the sun, wind and rain directly on our skin and the sudden realization that it is always only right now, this choice, this opportunity to choose the light. the armor comes off when we are ready, and not a minute sooner.

177

what we give.

everyone is here with something to give. and when you find out what you are here to give, what it is you were always meant to do, the universe will help you learn discernment and detachment as it relates to that gift. and everything in your life will show you how this is true.

as a channel and not the Source, you must give with detachment, without concern for the outcome. you gave exactly what was meant to be given through you. so if it goes into the trash or is destroyed soon after, that is not your concern. others have their own journey just as you have yours.

this is why you must give with both discernment and detachment. what you give is your gift and was never meant to be squandered. so you must give freely and with discernment, as a person who understands their own worth.

you learn to protect yourself when you remember that you are a gift, your energy is a gift, and what you give is a gift. we learn through contrast what it’s like to pour into a cup with holes in it, and how it feels when the giving fills instead of draining. we learn through our own resentments and the resentments of others when we and our gifts are poorly received.

and as we learn, we remember that giving and receiving has more to do with our relationship to ourselves and our relationship with the divine, than to anyone else on the outside. people come and go. our gifts are carried away by the wind. what matters is to give in a way that is aligned within.

176

the mirror.

we are embodied into a world that serves as mirror. we look into this mirror and we make our wishes.

“mirror, show me love. show me abundance and health. show me that i matter. show me connection. show me validation; show me what i want to see.”

and this is a mirror everyone looks into. we learn as children but we aren’t taught that the mirror is reflection. it’s not the thing itself. we come to find later that the only way to see our wishes come true in the mirror is to gift ourselves.

you want a love that lasts? you find it in yourself first. you want abundance that sticks? you live it first and put it on your own back. you want good health and happiness? you find and heal everything that is keeping you sick and small inside. you bring your shadow into the light to be honored as your weapon of love and not lack. you want safety and connection? you find and protect who you are inside. you connect with yourself and your own story before you go around offering yourself for crumbs and pouring yourself into the cups with holes in them.

it’s funny that we learn the steps, the choreography, backwards at first, before the dance finally pushes us into forward motion. we make sure to create safety for the exact people who are not safe to themselves or to us. we make sure to lavish abundance and care upon those who are not here to love us, but to teach the sacred lesson that we must detach from our own giving. we make every bargain, and compromise everything we have, just to negotiate survival, when our deepest desire is to thrive. we’ll love what we see in the mirror when we remember how to use the mirror properly.

175

on a budget.

sometimes, the people and places that love you most will put you on a budget. it’s the feeling that you can’t seem to get what you need from them. time, having more patience, having less patience, losing your patience or spelling it out doesn’t seem to do it.

the feeling is a sense of “not enough,” a distinct withholding, and you can’t tell if it’s intentional or unintentional —only that it’s being presented to you— and that you must somehow unblock the flow because it’s not malicious. it can be “fixed.” but how many times do you have to say it? how many different ways will you try to explain? why does it feel like you’re running out of words?

this is because the way they agreed to love you in this lifetime or in this season was to give you love on a budget.

what do you do with love on a budget? you learn to stop begging. you learn to save your energy. you learn to live and let live. it’s the ultimate preparation for love that comes to you freely and completely in all the ways you always needed.

you’re tired of love on a budget? don’t worry. there are people and places that won’t put you on a budget. they’ll come when you’re no longer ravenous. when you can appreciate how it already flows to you so naturally and so generously. when you finally become the version of yourself that could never squander it, chase it away or meet it with anything less than your own humble sovereignty.

174

your devotion.

as you return to yourself, you will finally be able to belong to yourself. your body will free itself from the world’s gaze, from its judgment and even its admiration; your body will belong to you. your efforts will naturally disentangle from serving duty, guilt and obligation; your efforts will belong to you, and to you alone. your love will be unavailable for use as a bargaining chip that tethers you to a game played only for crumbs; your love will belong to you.

as you integrate all parts of yourself, every part that was ever “too much” or “not enough” or “making everyone uncomfortable,” you will finally be able to hold yourself. you will stop giving yourself away to be held carelessly or contemptuously by anyone else. you’ll remember that you are held by God, by the universe, by a divine agreement that gave you a self that would one day be able to hold you and love you perfectly.

what’s important about “for the first time” is when it’s good, clean and healthy, that you make it “from now on.” when you finally taste your own freedom and sovereignty, or how it feels to protect and drink from your own well, you don’t need to go back to the ones that have dried up or that were always closed to you. you stop journeying for charity and begin the devotion to your own garden.

173

the perfect white shirt.

what you want is the perfect white shirt. everything else has been “okay, but not quite right.” this one is crisp and bright, tailored to your exact build. and the tag inside lets you know its precise construction was always only ever intended for you.

this perfect white shirt is the love you’ve always wanted. it’s the connection. the abundance. the clarity. the belonging. the certainty. the light that you and only you were meant to reveal in this world. exact, all you ever wanted, and more. it’s the soft click and release of the key that has finally found its lock.

and here’s the thing: you can’t have your perfect white shirt to use as a bandage or to dress your wounds.

if it is palliative, if you need it to sop up the healing fluids still seeping out of you, it’s not divine adornment. and you can’t have it yet. you can’t have it if you’re just going to soak it in your own blood, if the wearing is what ruins it; if it is reduced to mere showcase for the stain and we can no longer see it for its beauty.

you can have the shirt when you remember that you are whole, that the wound is an illusion, and that it closes as you allow yourself to release what keeps you trapped. you must surrender so that you may receive. and then what you want will arrive as the perfect white shirt that reveals how you were always also perfect inside.

172

what’s real.

if you can be manipulated by it, it’s not love. if it corrupts you, that is not power. if it costs you everything, that’s not abundance. if you have to disappear, that is not belonging. if it requires you to lie, then it’s not the truth.

sometimes we have to immerse in everything that’s not before we can be trusted with what is. and it’s not about worth. we are always worthy of the light, of our blessings.

but this exact life is what we signed up for. we agreed to forget, to not know, to get lost and to be confused. the freedom of “free will” is great until we realize it can only be triggered by pain and not by pleasure. understanding that “we came here to grow and evolve” is great until we are reminded that life and death chase one another. what wants to grow requires the old to die. what are we willing to give up? what are we willing to survive? what are we willing to do to fully receive what’s coming next?

life will bring us to our knees but it is our choice whether that place is where we decide to sit and settle or if that is where we will take a stand. everything is an invitation; how far will you allow yourself to sink before you decide to rise?

171

a thank you.

your clarity is what gives me comfort. your certainty lets me rest into mine. when i can see how you claim what’s yours, that you’ve mastered your own energy, i’m not chasing you for an answer. i don’t need you to change. i trust you. you see me beneath the mask i wear, and that is how i know you apart from those who can only adore the performance. because who i am, in all of my seasons and in all my rage and grief and truth, is safe in your arms and beautiful in your eyes, i can be soft. i can surrender. i can give you everything.

when you give me safety, this is the template for me to build my own. when you show me how the masculine is designed to hold the feminine, you show me all of me; you show me how to make myself complete. and when you protect me from your own shadows, from the wounds of childhood and the karma of lifetimes, we can both have this space to heal.

my relationship with you will always show me my relationship to myself. how do i hold me? is it with love and respect? or is it extractive? do you love me for who i am or for what i can provide? this is how the masculine and the feminine are a gift to one another, even at our most imbalanced or misaligned. when i see you, i see me. when you can’t give me what i need, i can’t give freely, and that’s how i know our love is a lesson and not union. the sun needs to shine for the moon to be full.

the feminine principle is wild and generative; i know how to turn a little bit into a lot. i can see the future and you know my energy is what multiplies blessings. show me your kingdom and i’ll make it bigger. sit with me in the dark, and together, in being and feeling, we will remember we are already whole.

170

a love letter.

the masculine principle is all around us. it is beautiful and it builds, grows, plans and protects. it exists in time. it is an expansive, “doing” energy. it provides a safe structure and container for the feminine principle, which flows in a timeless state of being. the masculine is your day-to-day. it is how you achieve. the feminine is vacation. she takes you away to enjoy who you really are. the masculine builds the house; the feminine makes it a home.

now, what about the divine masculine within? what is he supposed to be doing? he helps us remember that our worth is inherent, even before a single brick is laid, and that we deserve all of our blessings, the fruits of our labor, and more. the masculine principle draws the boundaries around what is precious and valuable. while the feminine principle is the creator (“yes”) and the destroyer (“no”) of cycles, the masculine builds the walls, secures the perimeter and executes the battle plan.

he is consistent. his word is his bond. his energy is integrity. your inner masculine chooses you. he keeps you safe. he cherishes you. he claims what is his; he assesses the landscape, neutralizes the threats and marks his territory. the masculine is how you show up in the world. when you are safe and held within yourself, that is when your inner creatrix, the feminine, can trust and rest and express itself. the masculine makes it safe for the feminine to receive.

169

the interview.

are you bringing me love or a lesson? both.

are you bringing me companionship? for a time.

for the rest of the time? could be. oh yes. that’s right. “the rest of the time” isn’t “all of the time” but this is the only way we can begin to approach the “forever” that actually is. ok ok.

are you here to show me my wounds or my worth? both.

i thought i healed everything already. there’s more? it would be very unusual to heal it all while we are here, in a single turn. but i can help you. if that’s what you’re trying to do.

so you’ll hurt me. it will be mutual. it’s unavoidable; it’s what tends to happen in this place. but it wouldn’t ever be intentional. or at least not in the way you think.

does it make us stronger or does it pull us apart? it’s a dance.

oh. you want to dance? yes, i wanted to dance with you. there’s music playing. why wouldn’t we?

168

when no one is looking.

how will we know if we can be trusted with what we want most, whether it’s love, abundance, health and wealth, belonging or validation? these are all forms of certainty; the many faces of wholeness. and before this fulfillment manifests, we will be shown what we do, what we’re like and how we act when we don’t have it. when things are not going how we want. when we are made to wait. when we are given a glimpse or a taste before it’s quickly snatched away. when we keep getting what we need instead of what we want. when doing “what’s right” seems to be getting us nowhere.

when we are visited by doubt, discomfort or a lack of clarity, how do we treat people? how do we treat ourselves? when no one is looking, do we expand or contract? do we collapse or hold ourselves firm? do we love ourselves a little bit more or just a little bit less? do we find ourselves with more faith, compassion and patience? or is it less? do we settle for what we can get? or do we stay faithful? here’s the thing: if you think not having the thing is breaking you, then having it certainly will. and that’s why it’s not here yet. it comes when both you and the gift are safe to be received.

it is our job to turn this prison of a planet into heaven on earth, to live a limitless life within this three-dimensional, time-bound existence. so we need to stop commodifying our pleasure. we need to stop taking what we can get and stop settling for those little hits of relief. the soul and the spirit need not exist in the same holding cell as the body. the key to our happiness, to our freedom, is not the thing we think we want that’s missing or delayed; it’s us.

167

dear self.

to my future self:

you’ve come such a long way. and i am still rising to meet you. you’re about to open that door and walk into everything you ever wanted: into a life that holds the truth of your dreams, big and small, spoken and unspoken.

i wanted to remind you of how much you deserve this. you gave it your all and you gave it all up. it was hard, but not for the reasons either of us expected. we didn’t know how hard it would be to let go of everything that was false to who we came here to be. we didn’t know how hard it would be to either stop self-abandoning or to crawl our way back home, every single time. but we had to. or we wouldn’t have made it as far as we did. we wouldn’t be where you are now. and so we did it. we did this. you did this.

something i am learning even now, is that life doesn’t have to change for me to enjoy it. i do. i get to have days where i actually enjoy being me. it’s not every day. but one day it will be, regardless of what’s happening outside or inside. and that’s where you are now. thank you.

i’m excited for my miracle. and the miracle is this: the miracle is you and the miracle is me. remember to stay in your body. and remember that you are so loved.

166

along the way.

one does not embark on a spiritual journey. we are on a spiritual journey from the start. there just comes a point for the few of us that we awaken to the fact and must begin to move with intention. the awakening is not always kind, but it’s not meant to be. it’s meant to be effective. and it’s meant as a last resort that burns the bridge. you already tried all the ways; if numbing, running and distracting worked, they would have by now. we were always in pieces. but what held us together has somehow collapsed or disappeared. and now the only way out is through. there’s not supposed to be a way to go back to sleep. our wakefulness is a gift.

we learn that the five senses are just to keep us from bumping into things on planet earth. true sight is through the third eye. we feel not through the skin, but through the heart. we are safe at our root and not behind our masks. the truth does not come in through the ears; it is revealed as we activate our voice to begin speaking it. we remember that our essence is not consumption –it is creation– and that the sacral is the portal. our inner sun is our strength and protection, even as our crown connects us to heaven.

we learn to ask questions: am i living from my pain or my power? am i acting as the cause or the effect? are these people, places and things feeding me or feeding off me? is this relationship an asset or liability? if i hate the fruit will i be brave enough to keep digging for the root? each of us has a light within that is meant to guide us through; the journey is to trust it.

165

a good, hard look.

who you are when you are in love is your highest self. that’s who was ready to come through. and you only caught a glimpse because any more would have completely overwhelmed you. of course now you are sad and broken without the object of your love, but this healing period is not the real you.

the real you is your highest self. the one who was never broken and doesn’t need to be healed; they were just waiting to be revealed. love, the undistorted mirror, gave you a good, hard look at your own shining face and your own transformed energy. and now you know. now you know that the transformation isn’t a change, it’s a return. you are in temporary distress only because you’ll have to surrender everything else before you can finally fully embody the energy of your highest self, of your inner beloved.

ask yourself why you wouldn’t want to be this “in love” version of yourself all the time, whether or not there is an external object for that love. because people come and go. the same is for friends and for lovers. they have to go on their own journeys. you had one, and it continues even now; the map doesn’t stop drawing itself even as people leave you.

even “the one,” your forever person, must also have their journey. whether your lover is this person or not, we must be generous with them in that manner. let them live. let them be delayed in returning to you. let them be delayed in arriving in your life at all. time is not real. and one day, in the midst of healing your broken heart, the person who is supposed to “make it make sense” will arrive. that person is you.

164

breakfast of champions.

dear God, show me what i am meant to surrender today. let me not resist the light i am meant to reveal. let me pass each moment as a test of unconditional love; that i would love myself no matter what happens, doesn’t happen or how it happens. the plan is divine, even as i stumble on the path.

there’s always a way to make things right and it’s all meant for my healing. i know you allow me to fail and to wait and to be confused so that i may rise. help me to listen, choose and give with love. show me how i must change and where i am being guided to think, see and act differently. let me be safe to myself and others. slow me down to my breath anytime i want to rush or disappear into my tasks or impulses.

i know i am not meant to understand everything. make me soft and make me strong through the truth of abundance and not through the test, the illusion, of lack. help me hold myself in my own arms, as one would a small child. help me detach from what i think i desire and what appears to perturb me so that i may connect with the divine.

gently remind me that i have what i need and what i want comes to me freely. everything is done. i have it all. it was easy for me. and it happened faster than i thought. i trust the universe to bring only what's mine.

i am excited for my miracle.