175

on a budget.

sometimes, the people and places that love you most will put you on a budget. it’s the feeling that you can’t seem to get what you need from them. time, having more patience, having less patience, losing your patience or spelling it out doesn’t seem to do it.

the feeling is a sense of “not enough,” a distinct withholding, and you can’t tell if it’s intentional or unintentional —only that it’s being presented to you— and that you must somehow unblock the flow because it’s not malicious. it can be “fixed.” but how many times do you have to say it? how many different ways will you try to explain? why does it feel like you’re running out of words?

this is because the way they agreed to love you in this lifetime or in this season was to give you love on a budget.

what do you do with love on a budget? you learn to stop begging. you learn to save your energy. you learn to live and let live. it’s the ultimate preparation for love that comes to you freely and completely in all the ways you always needed.

you’re tired of love on a budget? don’t worry. there are people and places that won’t put you on a budget. they’ll come when you’re no longer ravenous. when you can appreciate how it already flows to you so naturally and so generously. when you finally become the version of yourself that could never squander it, chase it away or meet it with anything less than your own humble sovereignty.

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your devotion.

as you return to yourself, you will finally be able to belong to yourself. your body will free itself from the world’s gaze, from its judgment and even its admiration; your body will belong to you. your efforts will naturally disentangle from serving duty, guilt and obligation; your efforts will belong to you, and to you alone. your love will be unavailable for use as a bargaining chip that tethers you to a game played only for crumbs; your love will belong to you.

as you integrate all parts of yourself, every part that was ever “too much” or “not enough” or “making everyone uncomfortable,” you will finally be able to hold yourself. you will stop giving yourself away to be held carelessly or contemptuously by anyone else. you’ll remember that you are held by God, by the universe, by a divine agreement that gave you a self that would one day be able to hold you and love you perfectly.

what’s important about “for the first time” is when it’s good, clean and healthy, that you make it “from now on.” when you finally taste your own freedom and sovereignty, or how it feels to protect and drink from your own well, you don’t need to go back to the ones that have dried up or that were always closed to you. you stop journeying for charity and begin the devotion to your own garden.

173

the perfect white shirt.

what you want is the perfect white shirt. everything else has been “okay, but not quite right.” this one is crisp and bright, tailored to your exact build. and the tag inside lets you know its precise construction was always only ever intended for you.

this perfect white shirt is the love you’ve always wanted. it’s the connection. the abundance. the clarity. the belonging. the certainty. the light that you and only you were meant to reveal in this world. exact, all you ever wanted, and more. it’s the soft click and release of the key that has finally found its lock.

and here’s the thing: you can’t have your perfect white shirt to use as a bandage or to dress your wounds.

if it is palliative, if you need it to sop up the healing fluids still seeping out of you, it’s not divine adornment. and you can’t have it yet. you can’t have it if you’re just going to soak it in your own blood, if the wearing is what ruins it; if it is reduced to mere showcase for the stain and we can no longer see it for its beauty.

you can have the shirt when you remember that you are whole, that the wound is an illusion, and that it closes as you allow yourself to release what keeps you trapped. you must surrender so that you may receive. and then what you want will arrive as the perfect white shirt that reveals how you were always also perfect inside.

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what’s real.

if you can be manipulated by it, it’s not love. if it corrupts you, that is not power. if it costs you everything, that’s not abundance. if you have to disappear, that is not belonging. if it requires you to lie, then it’s not the truth.

sometimes we have to immerse in everything that’s not before we can be trusted with what is. and it’s not about worth. we are always worthy of the light, of our blessings.

but this exact life is what we signed up for. we agreed to forget, to not know, to get lost and to be confused. the freedom of “free will” is great until we realize it can only be triggered by pain and not by pleasure. understanding that “we came here to grow and evolve” is great until we are reminded that life and death chase one another. what wants to grow requires the old to die. what are we willing to give up? what are we willing to survive? what are we willing to do to fully receive what’s coming next?

life will bring us to our knees but it is our choice whether that place is where we decide to sit and settle or if that is where we will take a stand. everything is an invitation; how far will you allow yourself to sink before you decide to rise?

171

a thank you.

your clarity is what gives me comfort. your certainty lets me rest into mine. when i can see how you claim what’s yours, that you’ve mastered your own energy, i’m not chasing you for an answer. i don’t need you to change. i trust you. you see me beneath the mask i wear, and that is how i know you apart from those who can only adore the performance. because who i am, in all of my seasons and in all my rage and grief and truth, is safe in your arms and beautiful in your eyes, i can be soft. i can surrender. i can give you everything.

when you give me safety, this is the template for me to build my own. when you show me how the masculine is designed to hold the feminine, you show me all of me; you show me how to make myself complete. and when you protect me from your own shadows, from the wounds of childhood and the karma of lifetimes, we can both have this space to heal.

my relationship with you will always show me my relationship to myself. how do i hold me? is it with love and respect? or is it extractive? do you love me for who i am or for what i can provide? this is how the masculine and the feminine are a gift to one another, even at our most imbalanced or misaligned. when i see you, i see me. when you can’t give me what i need, i can’t give freely, and that’s how i know our love is a lesson and not union. the sun needs to shine for the moon to be full.

the feminine principle is wild and generative; i know how to turn a little bit into a lot. i can see the future and you know my energy is what multiplies blessings. show me your kingdom and i’ll make it bigger. sit with me in the dark, and together, in being and feeling, we will remember we are already whole.

170

a love letter.

the masculine principle is all around us. it is beautiful and it builds, grows, plans and protects. it exists in time. it is an expansive, “doing” energy. it provides a safe structure and container for the feminine principle, which flows in a timeless state of being. the masculine is your day-to-day. it is how you achieve. the feminine is vacation. she takes you away to enjoy who you really are. the masculine builds the house; the feminine makes it a home.

now, what about the divine masculine within? what is he supposed to be doing? he helps us remember that our worth is inherent, even before a single brick is laid, and that we deserve all of our blessings, the fruits of our labor, and more. the masculine principle draws the boundaries around what is precious and valuable. while the feminine principle is the creator (“yes”) and the destroyer (“no”) of cycles, the masculine builds the walls, secures the perimeter and executes the battle plan.

he is consistent. his word is his bond. his energy is integrity. your inner masculine chooses you. he keeps you safe. he cherishes you. he claims what is his; he assesses the landscape, neutralizes the threats and marks his territory. the masculine is how you show up in the world. when you are safe and held within yourself, that is when your inner creatrix, the feminine, can trust and rest and express itself. the masculine makes it safe for the feminine to receive.

169

the interview.

are you bringing me love or a lesson? both.

are you bringing me companionship? for a time.

for the rest of the time? could be. oh yes. that’s right. “the rest of the time” isn’t “all of the time” but this is the only way we can begin to approach the “forever” that actually is. ok ok.

are you here to show me my wounds or my worth? both.

i thought i healed everything already. there’s more? it would be very unusual to heal it all while we are here, in a single turn. but i can help you. if that’s what you’re trying to do.

so you’ll hurt me. it will be mutual. it’s unavoidable; it’s what tends to happen in this place. but it wouldn’t ever be intentional. or at least not in the way you think.

does it make us stronger or does it pull us apart? it’s a dance.

oh. you want to dance? yes, i wanted to dance with you. there’s music playing. why wouldn’t we?

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when no one is looking.

how will we know if we can be trusted with what we want most, whether it’s love, abundance, health and wealth, belonging or validation? these are all forms of certainty; the many faces of wholeness. and before this fulfillment manifests, we will be shown what we do, what we’re like and how we act when we don’t have it. when things are not going how we want. when we are made to wait. when we are given a glimpse or a taste before it’s quickly snatched away. when we keep getting what we need instead of what we want. when doing “what’s right” seems to be getting us nowhere.

when we are visited by doubt, discomfort or a lack of clarity, how do we treat people? how do we treat ourselves? when no one is looking, do we expand or contract? do we collapse or hold ourselves firm? do we love ourselves a little bit more or just a little bit less? do we find ourselves with more faith, compassion and patience? or is it less? do we settle for what we can get? or do we stay faithful? here’s the thing: if you think not having the thing is breaking you, then having it certainly will. and that’s why it’s not here yet. it comes when both you and the gift are safe to be received.

it is our job to turn this prison of a planet into heaven on earth, to live a limitless life within this three-dimensional, time-bound existence. so we need to stop commodifying our pleasure. we need to stop taking what we can get and stop settling for those little hits of relief. the soul and the spirit need not exist in the same holding cell as the body. the key to our happiness, to our freedom, is not the thing we think we want that’s missing or delayed; it’s us.

167

dear self.

to my future self:

you’ve come such a long way. and i am still rising to meet you. you’re about to open that door and walk into everything you ever wanted: into a life that holds the truth of your dreams, big and small, spoken and unspoken.

i wanted to remind you of how much you deserve this. you gave it your all and you gave it all up. it was hard, but not for the reasons either of us expected. we didn’t know how hard it would be to let go of everything that was false to who we came here to be. we didn’t know how hard it would be to either stop self-abandoning or to crawl our way back home, every single time. but we had to. or we wouldn’t have made it as far as we did. we wouldn’t be where you are now. and so we did it. we did this. you did this.

something i am learning even now, is that life doesn’t have to change for me to enjoy it. i do. i get to have days where i actually enjoy being me. it’s not every day. but one day it will be, regardless of what’s happening outside or inside. and that’s where you are now. thank you.

i’m excited for my miracle. and the miracle is this: the miracle is you and the miracle is me. remember to stay in your body. and remember that you are so loved.

166

along the way.

one does not embark on a spiritual journey. we are on a spiritual journey from the start. there just comes a point for the few of us that we awaken to the fact and must begin to move with intention. the awakening is not always kind, but it’s not meant to be. it’s meant to be effective. and it’s meant as a last resort that burns the bridge. you already tried all the ways; if numbing, running and distracting worked, they would have by now. we were always in pieces. but what held us together has somehow collapsed or disappeared. and now the only way out is through. there’s not supposed to be a way to go back to sleep. our wakefulness is a gift.

we learn that the five senses are just to keep us from bumping into things on planet earth. true sight is through the third eye. we feel not through the skin, but through the heart. we are safe at our root and not behind our masks. the truth does not come in through the ears; it is revealed as we activate our voice to begin speaking it. we remember that our essence is not consumption –it is creation– and that the sacral is the portal. our inner sun is our strength and protection, even as our crown connects us to heaven.

we learn to ask questions: am i living from my pain or my power? am i acting as the cause or the effect? are these people, places and things feeding me or feeding off me? is this relationship an asset or liability? if i hate the fruit will i be brave enough to keep digging for the root? each of us has a light within that is meant to guide us through; the journey is to trust it.

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a good, hard look.

who you are when you are in love is your highest self. that’s who was ready to come through. and you only caught a glimpse because any more would have completely overwhelmed you. of course now you are sad and broken without the object of your love, but this healing period is not the real you.

the real you is your highest self. the one who was never broken and doesn’t need to be healed; they were just waiting to be revealed. love, the undistorted mirror, gave you a good, hard look at your own shining face and your own transformed energy. and now you know. now you know that the transformation isn’t a change, it’s a return. you are in temporary distress only because you’ll have to surrender everything else before you can finally fully embody the energy of your highest self, of your inner beloved.

ask yourself why you wouldn’t want to be this “in love” version of yourself all the time, whether or not there is an external object for that love. because people come and go. the same is for friends and for lovers. they have to go on their own journeys. you had one, and it continues even now; the map doesn’t stop drawing itself even as people leave you.

even “the one,” your forever person, must also have their journey. whether your lover is this person or not, we must be generous with them in that manner. let them live. let them be delayed in returning to you. let them be delayed in arriving in your life at all. time is not real. and one day, in the midst of healing your broken heart, the person who is supposed to “make it make sense” will arrive. that person is you.

164

breakfast of champions.

dear God, show me what i am meant to surrender today. let me not resist the light i am meant to reveal. let me pass each moment as a test of unconditional love; that i would love myself no matter what happens, doesn’t happen or how it happens. the plan is divine, even as i stumble on the path.

there’s always a way to make things right and it’s all meant for my healing. i know you allow me to fail and to wait and to be confused so that i may rise. help me to listen, choose and give with love. show me how i must change and where i am being guided to think, see and act differently. let me be safe to myself and others. slow me down to my breath anytime i want to rush or disappear into my tasks or impulses.

i know i am not meant to understand everything. make me soft and make me strong through the truth of abundance and not through the test, the illusion, of lack. help me hold myself in my own arms, as one would a small child. help me detach from what i think i desire and what appears to perturb me so that i may connect with the divine.

gently remind me that i have what i need and what i want comes to me freely. everything is done. i have it all. it was easy for me. and it happened faster than i thought. i trust the universe to bring only what's mine.

i am excited for my miracle.

163

iykyk.

your life-force energy, the qi flowing within you that animates your bones? that’s God. you’re already filled with the presence of God. you’re whole. nothing is missing. “something missing” is simply an illusion. you seek fulfillment when you’re already filled. that’s a block. and when you unblock it, when you remember that you’re whole and that you have everything inside you, what you want can come.

because that’s when receiving is no longer rescue. not when completeness comes to meet your incompleteness; it would never work that way. not when external connection comes to heal your internal disconnection; it would never work that way. you would never have to (or be able to) earn your self-worth; you’re only meant to remember it. against all odds.

learning to walk in wholeness and certainty is the human achievement. because being imperfect and vulnerable and disappointing is what feeds the overwhelming body consciousness of lack and scarcity. learning to live in the illusion of separation is the achievement of the soul. much like enjoying a movie or rollercoaster, it’s not real and you have to let go. it’s just an experience. for fun.

when i allow myself to fully embody and return to the remembrance that i am already filled/fulfilled by the presence of God, when i stop running for long enough to recognize that my life can only be made full by my own loving presence in it is exactly how it feels to be connected to the divine, this is how and when i am finally able to allow the truth of being fulfilled by God internally to manifest externally.

162

specific love.

God loves everyone. so when God wants to experience being a human, he doesn’t have to learn how to love everyone. he already knows universal, unconditional love. he wanted to experience specific, human love. and how would this happen without a sick, sad world as the backdrop, serving as a point of contrast, so that we would be able to recognize the specific people we came here to love? and to recognize ourselves as one of them?

love for the self is a type of person-specific love and you came here to experience it. in this way, you and God are both finding out what self-love means. when asking “what does it mean to love myself?” is the same as asking “what would it be like to be loved by this person?”

just remember that unconditional love is only really available from within. everyone else, as much as they love us, cannot and should not have to love us unconditionally, in general. it’s just too much. it would have to be a very strong and special connection to withstand risking loving another person “no matter what.” and this is why the safest and surest source of unconditional love is from the self. it might be the hardest thing we ever do, but wouldn’t it be worth it?

161

all that exists.

why do we love love? why do we love the flow state? why do we love to dissolve and disappear into the book, the craft, the task? because separation is an illusion, as is time. because ultimate reality is unity, oneness. and what love, flow and connection offer is a glimpse into the divine, even as we require this dream, this illusion, to experience the universe experiencing itself.

we separate and then dissolve, disappear and immerse to discover what underpins all that exists. we empty ourselves to remember how we are full. clarity eludes us so that we may remember the truth. when we merge with others, when we stop abandoning ourselves, when the miracle comes and the prayer is answered, we see through the veil of this limited reality and transcend separation. we remember we are whole in a world that profits from urgency, lack and fragmentation.

the path unfolds. the flower blooms. the eagle and phoenix rise. but only in time. our friends leave. our bodies break. storms obscure the sun. the seasons pass. and their transience is somehow what reminds us of the eternal limitless; who we really are, and what lasts forever.

160

what is meditation?

meditation is to spend time with the one that chose you. the one that wanted to live the life you’re living now, this same exact one, as you. meditation is getting quiet enough to feel the divinity that chose you and your experience.

sometimes it’s profound love that requires a moment of deep silence and gratitude. other times we have no choice but to retreat into stillness, to soften the sting of rejection, of not having been chosen by the world. but when we remember that our very existence is proof of having been chosen by God, by our own souls, then all of a sudden, we don’t need anyone else to choose us. all we have to do is stop running.

can you choose yourself? can you love yourself unconditionally? no matter what? even if you were terrible, imperfect and weak? even if you couldn’t do any better? even when you disappoint yourself and others? time and time again? even as you find yourself more lost than ever?

because that is the test. and we can remember into the answer every time we are called to ascend the spiral and revisit the next level of this lesson. the one that asks whether you can pick yourself up and give yourself the love you need, even when you stumble or fall into the exact pain your soul called in to cleanse the wounds that are ready to heal.

159

you are on the hero’s journey.

something has been taken from you, and now you need to leave everything you’ve ever known –and every version of yourself you’ve ever had to become– to get it back.

what you will find is that what you thought lost or stolen had actually been taken from you much earlier, closer to the beginning of your story. it’s not a recent thing. and this is what has been breaking your heart. it’s not what just happened. it’s something that happened a long time ago that has been playing out in your reality, up until now. and it’s been your purpose, your mission all along, to retrieve it.

everything has been leading up to this exact moment. what you’ve survived just now has been by divine design. this is what your soul wanted. it wanted a fracture big enough to crack you open. but what you seek, it isn’t what you think. it’s not the person you thought was yours that had to walk away. that person, place or thing carries a resonance to something deep inside you. something dormant, sleeping within: memory of your own divinity, of unconditional love, freedom, safety, a sense of infinity, timelessness. they came to wake it up. it was never for them to provide, but rather, for you to fully embody, to integrate, alone. and when you do that, all else in perfect resonance with it will flow into your reality.

what’s lost will find you when you remember that it’s been buried inside, that you are your own burning fire in the wilderness, that you don’t need to go around trying to warm yourself by anyone else’s light. all around us are the mirrors we need to reflect both our wounds and our worth. separation is an illusion. and you’ll have to cry all the tears that want out before your vision can clear.

158

this person.

how many more days do you get to exist as this person? the one you are now is not who you are forever. who you are forever is always, but this human you live as one day will die.

are you going to spend the rest of this time criticizing her for what she looks like and what she wants and how she learns and what she feels? or will you meet her with curiosity, compassion, love and acceptance? with gratitude? with wonder and awe? that you get to experience life through her and with her and as her for what is actually a very limited amount of time?

time is just one way that the prism of planet earth separates the whole into parts – so that we may remember the whole in all parts. but existence is actually just one thing, which is the present, and even as we numb, run and try to distract from it, “the present” one day having to end is somehow inconceivable.

when that day comes, will you wish for just one more? or can you content yourself with the precious few that you were able to exist in the moment, as you, in this, exactly as it was? waiting but not stopping. wanting but not longing. curious and at peace in a way that was unexpected enough to remember.

157

rules for remembering.

you lack nothing. you cannot earn what you already have. you’ll seek from those who do not have it to give until you remember you don’t need it from anyone outside of you.

first, you give up who you used to be. then you surrender your hopes and dreams and desires and achievements. you surrender your pain and your loneliness. and then you are free.

the purpose of life is to remember who you are. what if your soul was so powerful that it agreed to a wager? that you would willingly descend into material density and spiritual amnesia … just to prove that you could go from divine to human back to divine. because only the light can use the dark as a mirror to remember itself. and that’s what you came here to do.

we are just humans trying to remember the divine. and what is the divine? it’s what illuminates from within and animates everything around us. it is the inevitable that calls for our return. it pulls and pushes the waves. it draws the spiral of our lives. the divine protects us from the worst and shows us that we can survive what we signed up for –not unbroken– but whole and undefeated.

how does one master the material realm? when the material realm is no longer her master. when she has forsaken all other masters in the material realm: no more drugs, no more gurus, no more distractions. when she finally recognizes her own divinity as the only master worth serving. it doesn’t happen overnight. we stop serving our masters when they have nothing left to teach us. when we are ready to become our own.

156

it’s your movie.

when you remember that it’s your movie, you know you’ll be fine. you’re the hero. everything is good. it’s all been scripted for you. you’re safe. it’s not real.

all of a sudden, it becomes so easy to be generous, to give and be gracious, and to be grateful — because it’s your movie and it’s all unfolding for you. now you can be curious, even when you fail and even if you are made to wait. you can relax. there is no urgency to the question, “what happens next in my movie?” because you don’t want the movie to end.

it’s a fun movie when you’re the star and you get to find out who shows up and who doesn’t, what ends up happening and who fades into the background. better friends coming into your life are showing you the friend you are becoming to yourself. better men coming into your life are showing you the strength and beauty of your own divine masculine. better women coming into your life are reflecting the creative flow and receptivity of your own divine feminine. better opportunities coming into your life reflect your self-worth and growing recognition of your inherent value.

tests come into your life, in the form of lack and rejection, as illusions that are meant to clarify your vision to perceive and ultimately, embody the truth. just know that if you are privileging the divine in others over the divine in you, you’re doing it wrong. you exist even when you don’t make a sound. you exist even if no one turns around. your movie matters even if you’re the only one at the premiere.