120

that’s how.

after awhile, you realize there are no moves left.

your addictions have lost their lustre; there’s nothing more you can eat, drink, smoke, buy, do, consume into your body to push it down or numb out. there’s nowhere else you can go; there’s not a country or place or person on earth where you can go to hide to become someone else, someone with a different reality, a different task — someone not you.

time won’t even do it; the years spent avoiding, the years spent “not talking” or refusing to engage have amounted to nothing. there is no knife sharp enough to excise it from your reality; all the “cutting off” or “no contact” somehow didn’t stop it from seeping back into your life in the form of other people or circumstances with the same exact energy you refuse to tolerate. it’s there with you still.

deep down, you know that what you’re running from will just be there, waiting for you patiently, after the fact, after the trip, after the rush, after the high, after the gym, after the marathon, after everything you’ve achieved and after all the broken promises of “never again.” nothing works anymore. why? it’s to let you know that the internal work is all that’s left.

you came here with it. everyone and everything you’ve been trying to avoid, numb and deny, they were just the messengers. that’s why they keep getting replaced with new ones. the problem isn’t them. and it’s not even you; you are not the problem. you are the way out. the pain in you is ancient and it is the portal. you’ll find that there are two ways to walk through: you sit with it + you keep going. that’s how.