83

two lives.

this is your story. you are the hero. you are the dragon. you are the princess.

the hero must take up arms. the dragon must be slain. the princess is trapped in her tower. there is a battle, and when the smoke clears, all parts of you grieve. the dragon was a worthy opponent. there were so many years spent alone, in the tower. and the armor needs to come off so you can go home and till your fields.

the princess becomes real only after she steps down from the tower, no longer an icon or figurehead, she can now be free. the hero doesn’t know what he has been fighting for until he’s permitted to go home to it. the fire-breathing dragon protected its gold until it was finally time to rest. wildflowers have now taken root where blood soaked the ground.

you fight yourself. you rescue yourself. then you can go home. everyone dies in the end. but it takes two lives to truly live.

82

when the game ends.

what if, when the game ends, they have only two questions for us: [1] did you escape? and [2] did you receive all that was meant for you?

did you escape. did you escape the patterns, limitations and addictions that your soul wanted to grow through in this lifetime? you know. the ones you had asked those people and places to help you remember, by having the cycles imprinted onto your childhood or for years into adulthood? the ones you were supposed to wake up to, bound and trapped, so that you could finally start fighting for your life.

did you receive. all that is meant for us is everything we ever wanted, for as long as we can remember, aching in the deepest part of our soul. we needed to escape, to tear down what was blocking out the light. what’s meant for us will not lose its way. we are the lost; we must walk the path back to ourselves. and when we are found, we come home, as does everything that was meant for us all along.

escape is our free will. to receive, we must surrender. what if man is the only animal with the capacity for both? it is the divine within, or spirit, that expresses itself through free will. and it is only by virtue of our clay, in this meat suit, that surrender is an achievement. the body must surrender and the soul must be free. this is how we experience heaven on earth.

81

no good reason.

there is no good reason for people to treat you poorly.

“they had [the terrible thing happen], which is why they [do the terrible things] when they are overwhelmed. so not only do i take the extra steps and necessary precautions to make their life easier, i must also put up with [all their terrible behavior].” no. and when you finally cut out the garbage you were tolerating from others, even knowing the whole story and exactly where it all came from, you’ll come home to find all the ways you still treat yourself poorly.

“i had a bad childhood, which is why i eat/drink/spend/shout about it.” no. you don’t have to drink until you get fired again. you don’t have to eat until you hate yourself. you don’t have to shop until the garage is full and your wallet is empty. you don’t have to be violent just because it’s the house you grew up in.

sometimes the hard work is not in doing more: more gym, more control, more journaling, more meditation. sometimes the hard work is in doing less: less shame, less blame, less judgment, less anger. when we refuse to treat ourselves poorly, it becomes easier to release the negativity we used to justify, empathize with and maybe even agree with.

there are thousands of reasons for lack of kindness in the world. none of them matter. there is never a good reason for anyone to treat you poorly, and that includes you.

80

up to you.

the biggest step is to desire differently. you don’t like what’s happening but it keeps going like that? while it is not for you to change, it is up to you to change. first you change, whether it’s your mind or your behavior or your heart, and then you can see if anyone else is willing to come along. like a good experiment, the perfect place to test a variable is where you can hold all others constant.

now, you will have to admit that you were willing to compromise, that a part of you was going to be ok even if things were to remain as they were, less than ideal. go and talk to this part of you. you will find that one of your younger selves has a survival story, a rationale for the maladaptive coping mechanism that has now come up for review and retirement. we bring all parts of ourselves into the future with us after we have gently, firmly and compassionately made clear that we are safe enough to want more and safe enough to let go of settling for less.

you want life to feel better? it’s up to you to change. when a beautiful stranger comes along and opens your cell door, this is not a punishment. it’s your future self. they have come back to save you and bring you into the light. but they’ll not drag you out. you will have to expand your desire so that you can walk the path.

79

no one will stop you.

how would you know you’re carrying a germ until you start getting yucky or uncomfortable? be kind to yourself when you look back upon choices that resulted in pain or mess. you needed to see what was inside, waiting to be healed and released; and the only way was for it to be made manifest.

did you crash your car, break your body or love someone you allowed to hurt you? sometimes you learn before you step in mud and sometimes you learn while cleaning it off. and now you know. there’s no such thing as wasting years of your life because it’s always now. you can waste this moment lamenting the past, indulging in shame or fearing the future. but you already know that road. choose differently. start now.

some decisions you make just once. others must be made over and over to stick. we move from unconscious to conscious to then expanding that consciousness. life is lived in a spiral, not a straight line. so it’s natural that we will be invited to revisit certain challenges. this is a reminder of our free will. you meet yourself when you realize there is no one to stop you. so you’ll have to stop yourself digging the hole deeper. or you will have to allow yourself to fly and be free.

78

the bottom of the ocean.

when “these things happen” and we are knocked off the side of the boat, we have three choices: [1] we can let ourselves drown. [2] we can make our way back to the surface, as soon as the initial shock gives way to the realization that we cannot let ourselves sink any further down. or [3] we can decide that having already fallen so far deep, why not make our way to the bottom of the ocean and find out what’s down there? visit all the coral, glow-in-the-dark lifeforms, buried treasure and shipwrecked remains from centuries past.

what’s hidden in the watery depths is so strange and mysterious that it belongs to whomever claims it. what they don’t tell you is that it’s actually your ocean, and if you don’t claim it, it will claim you. now, there’s always more sun on the surface. at the bottom of the ocean, you have to make your own light. you have to bring your own light. you have to illuminate your own depths and free yourself from the dark, from your own unconscious logic, and make it conscious. it’s not just to explore; the bottom of the ocean is not a curiosity. it’s where all of life comes from. it’s a womb as much as it is a tomb. so do you want to be buried there or do you want to find out, first, where you (and all of this) even came from?

we get knocked overboard every whenever, as an invitation. it’s not the siren’s call. your own depths will beckon without even a sound. this can eventually become the easiest or the hardest thing for you to ignore. make the journey today, make the journey tomorrow; they don’t care when you do it. but how many times do you want to fall off a boat?

77

allow it.

the best thing about “surrender” is finally being ok with not knowing. the “not knowing” is always and forever so what needs to change is you.

before you surrender, the unknown eats you alive and the uncertainty is too much to bear. life will unfold for you. you are held by the unseen. your entire life has been designed to help you reach this understanding. surrender is an allowing, so you will have to allow it. you will have to allow the uncertainty, the loss of control, the mess you made, and the help you need.

the universe won’t let you win if you’re playing wrong. so anything you do that’s not surrendering to the present unfolding of it all, you won’t find what you’re looking for down that path. the universe will make sure you learn what you need to learn, see what you need to see, and feel what you need to feel. the only reason you’re here is to experience what your soul asked for, and if you resist it in this lifetime, you will have all the lifetimes you need to receive what is meant for you.

76

pain is a window.

every time your heart breaks, a new you comes online. old you will be getting ready for sleep just as new you is waking up. it’s a tender, groggy time. the past comes in and out of focus as you heal, and you have to muddle through the day-to-day. it’s a time to be with yourself.

we remind ourselves that nobody ever hurt us from a place of strength. it’s always from a place of weakness. every point of pain inside you has a corresponding point in the other person. your pain is a window into their pain. it’s one way to learn how empathy works: how you feel is connected to how they feel, and this is a bridge you can cross with compassion for everyone involved, or you can burn it down and not look back.

this is how we know people. even if the ability to read and connect through unintentional admissions of pain is less than ideal, it’s how people unknowingly reveal their deepest secrets, telling us exactly where it hurts. we learn to decode their inner worlds as we feel however it was they made us feel.

this is why we have to be nice. we don’t want strangers knowing all our secrets or having pinpoint accuracy as to all our hurts and insecurities. we have to be good to others; intentionally if we cannot seem to do it unintentionally. if something hurts, go be with a friend. do not go around exposing your deepest vulnerabilities to people who can’t or shouldn’t have to hold it for you.

75

why we lose.

people leave your life not because you need to be separated from them, but because you needed to be separated from what you were doing, and who you were, that character you played when you were with them.

they showed you something and now you have to integrate the lesson without them. maybe you have to learn to do for yourself what they always did for you. or perhaps it came time for you to activate the core energy they exemplified. it’s not a punishment or a reward for them to be gone; rather, it’s the end of a cycle. it’s the only way you would have been able to sunset the version of yourself that did the old thing and lived the old way. you were ready for more.

we don’t get to keep our teachers forever. and there will always be new ones to take their place. the people who teach you how to fight and the people who teach you how to love will not be the same people. seems obvious but it’s not always obvious when it’s happening.

how do you create the soul of a warrior? first you learn how to fight. once you have earned the soul of a warrior, you will be loved for your soul and you will no longer have to fight. how do you ready the soul for love? first you learn who you are. once you understand the truth of love, you will be loved for your soul and you will no longer have to serve, shrink or be anyone but yourself to receive love.

74

be here now.

right now. this is what life looks like when it’s happening. is it not what you expected? not what you wanted? does it feel like even more waiting? even more nothing? too much of what you were already wishing wasn’t? yup. you’re here. this is what it is. you’re in the right place. and we are all right here with you.

there are three modes in daily life: bus stop, driver’s seat and restaurant. at the restaurant, there are rules. they’re not your rules but you follow them, all the same, because they are general enough from place to place, and there’s food or drink at the end of it, so it’s easy enough to comply.

at the bus stop, you wait alone or with others, watching for what’s next while distracting yourself or observing others doing the same. the world goes by and you know you’ll soon be scooped up and moving in the right direction. it’s cheaper to ride, though much less convenient on a timetable with others.

in the driver’s seat, you know what needs to happen and you are responsible for your part in getting a thing done. strangely, we begin to feel like we want to control what’s happening on the road, and everywhere else, the second we get behind the wheel and exercise a little power over common machinery.

the ego loves what’s easy and the soul wants what’s hard. the hard things help us change. the easy things give us stability. everyone has a preference but there’s a way to be present for both. the universe will lovingly and expertly course the meal to give us just enough practice in waiting, doing and surrender to have enjoyed the full course.

73

when nothing changes.

how do you know a connection is real? when nothing changes even as everything changes. when nothing comes between you even if everything should have magnified the distance. when they keep showing you that nothing can change who you are with one another and to one another. you’ll know pretty early on, and time will gently keep proving it to you.

there are three ways to quiet the ego: through pain, in connection and while we sleep. pain is obvious and sleep is unconscious. connection softens the ego; it is humbling to see and feel how just being yourself allows you to continue to belong to one another. this shows us in the most profound way that we don’t feed our connections through doing. connections are nourished in the space of being.

there’s no control; it is an allowing. there’s no effort; it is based on intention. it is the energy of, “i am worthy of connection simply by being real and by bravely, generously, sharing who i am.” of course they can reject you. they can reject you as easily as you reject yourself. but they don’t. and that’s how connection erodes internal resistance to accepting ourselves for who we are, where we are, even as we continue to repeat lessons and fumble our blessings. we are held.

72

all there is.

what is self-mastery? it’s not about becoming someone you’re not. it's not promising you’ll do everything opposite, because the same thing over and over, expecting different results, is insanity. it’s not starting over, it’s not throwing away all previous drafts, and it is not denying yourself.

self-mastery is the process of: [1] returning to who you always were, beneath the limiting beliefs and going-nowhere patterns, and [2] becoming who you came here to be, living the life you were always meant to live. self-mastery returns you to yourself (as you unearth and reclaim the real you) and brings future you into the present (integrating the younger versions that fought to survive). self-mastery transmutes pain into power, alchemizing lead into gold.

there are two aspects to self-mastery: releasing and building. the self is what we do, mostly unconscious and performed on autopilot. if you do not have the energy to build a new habit, release an old one. habits can be mental, emotional and physical. what are you still thinking, feeling and doing, past the point of utility or pleasure? what patterns have you outgrown? release them. a habit sits on top of the authentic self and unlocks the future. focus on who you really are and stop identifying with the habits that bring old results.

build new habits that serve your evolving needs and higher intentions. allow curiosity to pull you away from what you have always known. a new habit isn’t a plan and it’s not a schedule. it’s doing it once. doing it now. each time and every time. actively choosing the new over the old until there’s no resistance and it’s happening without thinking.

self-mastery is guided by two questions: [A] what am i doing? [B] did i come all the way here just to do this? all we have is now. all you have is you. move towards what feels right.

71

template for love.

is there a template for love? yes. the template for love is friendship. ok but how do we know?

tell me, do you have to do anything for your friend to like you? no, you don’t. you and your friend trust one another to be who you are, unobscured by the masks, performing, pleasing and serving you tend to do with others. if you can’t trust yourself to be yourself, if you can’t trust your friend to like you for who you are, if you find yourself doing things to be liked, that’s not your friend. or, you are hiding from a friend who just wants to love you for who you are, and not what you can do for them.

how do you stay connected? friends grow together or they grow apart. but it’s not what you think; friendships don’t want enmeshment. it doesn’t happen by knitting two separate lives closer and closer together. if you remain stagnant while your friend evolves, you will not stay friends.

how do you keep your friend? expressing appreciation for this person should be the easiest thing you’ve ever done. you could love this friend with your eyes closed - in your sleep - zero effort. even if it’s hard to get together as often as you’d like, even if the distance in time zones and geography continue to grow, you love how special they are, you love that they exist in this world, you love that the universe brought them to you, and you love how the divine expresses itself in this friend. the effort is all in the logistics. it is easy to be kind, considerate, thoughtful and generous. they bring out your favorite version of yourself. if you don’t like who you are when you’re around them, if you don’t feel free, happy and loved enough to flow in their presence, if they cannot meet you where you are, they are not your friend.

either way, life will continue to reveal the unconscious relational and emotional patterns that are ready for review. triggers are meant to show us what we can’t see so that we can feel what must be healed and set ourselves free. triggers are meant for release. we let go what wants to leave and surrender to what the soul has aligned.

70

highs and lows.

if love has been criticized for cruelly offering exact lows to match the highs, it’s only because we used the word, “low,” when what we meant to say was, “deep.”

we gain access to our depths as love breaks us open. love’s “lows” push us deeper into ourselves like nothing else can. we are never prettier, safer or in more danger than when we are in love. love puts us in danger of losing ourselves to the other person (which is not great) and the current version of ourselves is about to be obliterated as the connection unlocks an entire series of next versions of ourselves that will walk down the new timeline that just opened.

this is the purpose of love. we must let her in to do the work of pushing us to our highest highs (in connection) and into our deepest depths (which are for us, alone). no one else is meant to come along, though we find our love standing just outside the cave mouth as we emerge. we tell all about our journey and they share from theirs. this is what they mean when they say that we, in love, protect and border one another’s solitude.

when the outside can be made measurably safer and lovelier by the presence of love, we can brave our unknown inner depths and shadows, returning only after healing and releasing what we found trapped there in the dark.

69

rising stars.

one day, you will realize how you failed to consider, that perhaps, what came so easily to the others while they had the spotlight, was all they had. and you, with so much else to be grateful for, chose to expend precious energy on envy.

should have just let them have it. should have been humble enough then, as you are now, to believe they must have deserved for their star to rise, finally and for once. you were envious and now you wish you hadn’t been. wishing you would have let them have their blessings in that moment, now that you understand what it’s like to be extremely blessed, barely deserving, and unable to conceal your light. hoping the world doesn’t object too strongly and want it taken from you. we didn’t have to referee our own game. we didn’t have to wish upon another person’s rising star.

we do not need time to become wise. we can humble ourselves now. we can ask forgiveness for believing that envy alerts us to blessings unfairly withheld. we can find, hidden within loss and rejection, the gifts of better and more aligned. we are free to open our eyes, hearts and minds to a universe that continues to unfold, provides lessons in patience, and blesses each of us in divine timing.

68

you have to do it everyday.

whatever is the hardest thing for you to do, that’s what you will have to do. and it will be difficult because every time you wanted the thing and didn’t get it, not only did you learn to feel unworthy of it, you also didn’t learn how to do it. so you will have to teach yourself.

do you find that listening to yourself is the hardest thing? maybe you’ve never done it; always wanting to be heard by others. well, that’s what you will have to do: you learn you are worthy of being listened to by listening to yourself.

does setting yourself free feel like the hardest thing you will ever have do? you have accomplished so much, but it’s the one thing that feels so far. and it’s what you will have to do: you learn you are worthy of freedom as you set yourself free.

do you find connecting with yourself to be the hardest thing? you haven’t done it? always looking for connection in the world so you don’t feel so alone? you will learn that you are worthy of connection as you connect with yourself.

do you find accepting yourself to be the hardest thing? it’s what you will have to do: you learn you are worthy of acceptance as you accept yourself.

they’re always saying it’s time for us to step into our power. they never say how. it’s not by “claiming power” in the abstract sense. we step into power through our greatest weaknesses. by doing the thing that only we can do, having exhausted ourselves down avenues that led nowhere. there’s no real power outside. it’s all within. it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, and you have to do it every day.

67

core needs.

what is it you crave? the unmet need. the thing you want most. the pot of gold at the end of every rainbow you ever chased.

core needs reside a level deeper than desires for money, love and success. they sound like this: why can’t you just be happy for me? can’t you just say i’m good, for once? will anybody ever meet me where i am? when do i get to be myself? why won’t anyone accept me for who i am and just let me be me? why is nobody listening to me? why is there not one person i can be safe with? everyone depends on me but i can’t seem to depend on anyone else. is your core need for validation? connection? freedom? safety? to be seen, heard or held? it starts to feel like this is the reason you’re here; that nothing could be more important, and nothing else will do.

this is your soul quest: to learn what it is and how it comes to you. however long it takes, because time and failure aren’t real. it could be months, years or lifetimes. the core need makes itself known through your caregivers, to be echoed by your friends, lovers, colleagues and clients — all the people who simply and consistently cannot give it to you.

you will give it to yourself. you will validate yourself. you will find yourself and connect with her. you will accept yourself and set him free. you will be your own safe place. when you embody that which you always desired, it will become your vibration, and everything will begin to reflect it back to you. as within, so without. when you become the source, the world outside will cease to have power over you. you will be able to accept people, places and things exactly as they are. you’ll have what you want when you don’t need it to be whole.

66

how are you?

it’s not what you think. it’s not the perfect question to check in with others. it’s the perfect question to check in with yourself. “how are you?” coming from the wrong person can ruin a whole morning. “how are you?” from the right person can make your entire day. it doesn’t even matter if they meant it or what you said in reply.

we know that day-to-day exercise is a great way to check in with the body and assess energy levels. the different “how are you’s?” are a great way to check in with the ego. right person, wrong person, the missing “how are you?” when you realize they didn’t even ask — the feelings that arise don’t have anything to do with these people. it’s your ego.

ego is the difference between a pleasant surprise and a dreaded inquiry or disappointing omission. inactive ego allows us to be open, accepting, receptive and non-judgmental. active ego creates expectations and judgment, alerting us to danger, bad vibes and what we don’t like.

when the world comes in, it hits your heart, your ego, your mind and body. check in with yourself and make sure you understand all the different voices.

65

the new you.

the universe will give what you ask but the soul always wins. and life will be less painful when what you ask and what your soul wants are not too far apart.

do you want love, success and abundance so you can have everything you want, forever? to never again feel lacking, lonely or empty? love, success and abundance are meant to transform you and set you free; it’s not you + the love of your life + all your money together on autopilot from there on out. but you won’t know what your soul wants until you start asking and receiving, and still, you’re not happy. if none of it was what your soul really wanted, having it all doesn’t matter.

you will have all the distractions to get out of your head and out of your house. all the distractions you want until you don’t want them anymore. the trick is to find what the soul wants so you can build a life you don’t need to continually escape. you learn the meaning of love, success and abundance by [1] experiencing their opposites (even if they do not announce themselves as such), [2] having the things and realizing they didn’t make you feel the way you wanted, and [3] appreciating them for what they are: portals to the next versions of you.

there are two prayers: dear God, please give me what my soul wants, as painlessly as possible (prayer of surrender). dear God, please give me all the things i want, as quickly as possible, and lots of it, always (prayer to humble the ego). know there is a way to make everything the best thing that ever happened to you: when something is given, see it for what it is; when something is removed, recognize the gift of growth (the new you) that has been placed in your hand. your soul wants to you to transform and be free.

64

which one when.

what is the purpose of contrast and duality? it’s how experience speaks to us. contrast and duality are the keys to unity and integration.

ego is afraid; she teaches fear and we learn how to take. the soul trusts; she teaches love and we learn what it means to receive. fear says, “i won’t get what i need unless i take it.” fear is based on experience. love says, “i trust that i will receive what i need, when i need it.” love arises from faith.

we will have lessons and be practiced in both. this is because we need the ego to navigate life on earth, the soul to surrender on this spiritual journey, and both to exercise free will. we balance doing with being, understanding fear as an energy that contracts and consumes, and love as an energy that flows and creates.

which one when? if you are struggling to decide, “what is the right action?” when the question presented is, “what am i doing?” ask yourself: what is the universe trying to give me in this moment? what blessing has my soul asked to receive? what is my ego attempting to grasp, control or cling onto?

how will you choose? there’s no right answer. there’s just everything you came here to learn, do, become and receive.