63

either way.

everything you do and don’t do reflects a belief; every action is a belief manifested. if you don’t like what you’re doing, find out which of your beliefs it supports and change that belief. if it belongs to you, you can change it; if it doesn’t belong to you, set it down. it can be done, either way.

do you ever feel good? what are you doing in those moments? try doing more of that. now, feel the level of resistance your nervous system is putting up to these changes. it’s time to teach yourself a new lesson:

change represents danger *and* change represents safety; it depends on the situation. change itself is neither good nor bad, dangerous nor safe. and change is not meant to be forced or resisted; rather, it must be allowed. here’s the thing: change is scary. it’s not always easy in the beginning, but change must be invited, welcomed and permitted to stay. even if she is scary. you have to be brave.

good thing the universe knows what you need to do. it will support you, in any and every possible way, so that you can manifest your destiny. it will send you sudden wisdom or the exact situation needed to bring about the change that takes you where you need to go.

62

this is your sign.

childhood ends twice: the day you learn to pick up the drug (day 1) and the day you set it down (day 0). learning how to set down the drug happens after you quit, and not a day earlier. it’s learning how to choose something else, each and every day thereafter. day 1 is an unconscious goodbye; day 0 is a conscious one.

day 0 encapsulates that entire chapter of your life so you can begin to properly grieve childhood, together with its end. you find out who you really are and what your life is actually like only after setting down the old coping mechanisms; this is when real adulthood begins. you go from unconscious to conscious, and on to expanding that consciousness.

this can’t happen if you’re still turning to the old behaviors you used to survive childhood to now get over that childhood. it won’t work. your past will continue to visit you, and old triggers will keep dredging up the same responses until you acknowledge their presence, thank them for serving you and your story, finally letting them move through you and out.

you know your life is about to get really good when the old coping mechanisms stop working. they stop working when you realize you need more and more. they stop working when you realize they aren’t even as effective or enjoyable as they used to be. this is your exact opportunity to set them down and turn it all around. that moment is your sign.

61

seek symmetry.

they say that the secret to beauty is symmetry. when it’s hard to find the beauty in a situation, perhaps then, we can look for the symmetry. everything is an echo from the past or a mirror into the future.

what do you desire today? on the other side of the looking glass is your desire fulfilled. your path is to dismantle the illusions before you. feeling undeserving or that it will take too long, with attainment seemingly impossible in this lifetime, is your opportunity to realize the dormant strength, patience and faith within. your blessings will manifest externally when you locate the real treasure inside.

do you find yourself struggling to accept people and places exactly as they are? asking for more than they can give? trying to hurry the pace or accelerate the vision? they’re not going to be ready until they’re ready. God already made them perfect. it’s their journey, not yours.

seek the symmetry. think back to when you were forced, rushed and hurried along “for your own good,” they said. remember when you were a child? and the adults asked you to see and do more than you could give or carry? they became frustrated when you struggled or they unknowingly doubled the load. now it’s you asking for too much, too soon.

we become strong when the world asks too much, and we must humble ourselves the moment we find ourselves doing the same. when we reveal the sacred axis, this line becomes our protection and guide. understanding symmetry with the past is how we honor the present, and seeking symmetry in our relationships is how we honor one another.

60

more important.

do you know how lucky you are to have you? you get to have you. it’s you: not someone bigger or smaller, dumber or smarter, no less cute, and exactly as interesting, intelligent and compelling. that’s who you get to hang out with all day.

why are you so mean to her? why do you ignore her? why do you shush her so you can watch tv and scroll? why don’t you take her places to see things and do things? why only leaving the house for and with others? why are you making her stay friends with all these people she doesn’t even like anymore? why aren’t you letting her interview for better jobs or try new hobbies she might like? she is so bored. why don’t you let her read any of those books you bought for her? why don’t you ever take her to exercise, which she’s been wanting to do? she keeps saying it. you can’t always be “too tired.” it’s getting old.

why giving all your time and energy to everyone else and nothing left for her? why so impatient when she’s trying to grow and heal? if she could do it any faster or any better, she would. she doesn’t like it taking this long either. and it’s weird that you deprive her of sleep and water. how do you expect her to stay looking young when she’s getting all dehydrated and no energy for fun things? also, you never let her wear the special outfits or fancy clothes in the back of the closet. why aren’t you going anywhere good so she can play dress up?

while you’re waiting for someone Very Special to come along and take better care of her, why don’t you give it a shot? there’s nothing more important you could possibly be doing.

59

clear the path.

comfort is a drug. make me comfortable; i will do anything you want and give you everything in exchange for it. they trick you into thinking comfort = happy. it’s not. have you ever encountered standing water? what does it smell like?

everything wants to be in motion. even you. look at nature; it’s beautiful, terrible and wild, whereas comfort is man-made. “comfortable” doesn’t come from God. the problem with comfort is that it is neither good nor bad. but if you choose comfort 100% of the time, you are at risk when comfort = pain. inertia is inertia. spinning is spinning. so you can be comfortable in your pleasures; this is benign and worst case, boring, as even the greatest and simplest pleasures will eventually exhaust themselves. you can be comfortable in your shackles and continue to choose them. everything is in your mind. and it’s a funny reality. motion isn’t good or bad either. motion, in and of itself, doesn’t tell you if it’s moving forward or backward. you decide.

“kill me, but make me beautiful,” they say. this is what we want. we want the mirror to show us what God sees, what’s in God’s eye. what does God want for us? is it just this? is this the person God would want for you? is this the place that was meant for you? deep in our heart of hearts, we know that the past versions of ourselves that brought us here are not the same versions that can take us to where we must go.

it’s not just alcohol, cocaine and caffeine. it’s not just the nicotine. comfort is a drug, too. make a home in discomfort; understand that all your obstacles belong to you, and to you alone, and there will be no one that can stand in your way. this is how you clear the path. tell yourself, “this is for me. and it’s all for me.”

58

you will be disabused.

who do you think is going to solve this problem? you know, the problem. the one you’ve been trying to solve for as long as you can remember. the noise in your mind, the peace you can’t seem to find. that which has eluded every version of you. who do you imagine coming to make it all better?

i know it’s taken this long to not have solved it yet, but the right answer will eventually be brought to the front of your mind. life as you know it will keep coming until one day, you wake up and realize, with some disappointment and maybe a bit of horror: “the person who will [solve this problem] is me. i am about to do something i’ve never done before: i’m going to make my own life better. i am the medicine. it’s me.”

sometimes what the universe does is dangle the thing in front of you –the thing that looks better than anything from before– that feels like it could absolutely be the solution to your ache. it looks like relief: that person who arrives, the destination or opportunity that opens up. you almost relax into it. and before it’s yours for very long, it’s yanked away. that wasn’t it.

these things will keep happening until it’s clear: this happens to be your problem because you happen to be the solution. whatever it is you seek, it will appear in your life only after you find it within. you’ve been on the wrong side of a locked door with the key in your pocket the entire time.

this is how the universe blesses you: they would never allow anyone else to hold this power. the liberator is always you. you have to believe that the purpose of this life was not to find the person, place or thing upon which you would be most dependent because that’s what fulfilled your deepest desire. no. what kind of half-ass happy ending are we striving for? how could anyone else be the hero of your story? why would it be your movie and then God casts someone else as the star? it’s your movie. you get top billing. the red carpet was for you. it’s time to hit your marks.

57

now or later.

when will you be thankful for today’s problems? after you’ve unwittingly exchanged them for a much more painful set, having irretrievably done away with the originals? or will you decide today that your lessons are your blessings? that the universe loves you so much they’ve made the best version of you inevitable?

will you open your own eyes or do you prefer to have them opened for you? and when will you stop being so reckless? before or after the accident? will you choose gratitude now or shall we wait until you’ve exhausted the other options?

all paths lead to a better you. even if it’s not obvious what that might look like, it’s up ahead, and it’s your decision how many lifetimes before you let yourself see. because the soul’s journey is not optional, they are willing to honor your preferences, for a time. but just like us, the universe gets bored watching the same struggle on tv. belabor a point and you’ll be pushed into the conclusion.

sooner or later. not if, but when. rest until tomorrow, but it will always be right now. so be the miracle. when you become the hero of your own story, you’ll find there were no villains to begin with.

56

out at sea.

when love comes to us, they are like driftwood that finds survivors lost at sea. something to cling to that makes bearable the vast unknown.

eventually, what the ocean does is take back from us this cherished driftwood. we wake to find it gone, treading water by instinct alone, completely unprotected and with storms on the horizon. we realize it wasn’t meant for us to merely float by, with driftwood our only companion. we will never not be alone in the middle of the ocean. and the horizon reveals itself only so far.

but now our destiny is clear; we were meant to build for ourselves a ship. we were meant to have shelter in the rain, a deck upon which to count the stars on clear nights, a trustworthy vessel by which to explore the earth’s many shores and a way to find safe harbor with one another. without ships, how else could we raise an armada, found brothers-in-arms, as we remain ever out at sea?

55

learn your own lessons.

the person you love the most: they’re not like you? good. why would you want them to suffer as you do? everyone is not the same, and for good reason. anytime you want someone to be more like you, ask yourself, “would i want this person to have the same problems as me? to worry as i do?” if not, then no. let them be who they are, with the problems they chose, and a stranger to each of yours. while we are intimately familiar with our own miseries, we must not wish them upon others.

think of the acquaintances, neighbors and colleagues that have become your best friends because you share a common enemy. it’s amazing. you found one another. now what? there’s two of you with the same problem; even more pressure to solve it. no more excuses! what you’ll find is that everyone has a different level of tolerance for their problems and the problems of others.

remember that God is not trying to show you everything that is wrong with the world; he’s trying to show you to yourself.

you’ll be happier when you allow your own pace and progress to humble and soften you, as it’s meant to, not withholding God’s own compassion for yourself and others. if the universe wanted you different, they would have sent you down to bless the earth as angels and not as mere mortals attempting grace. shape your clay as best you can.

54

what is belonging?

our children belong to God before they belong to us, before they belong to the world, and before they eventually belong to themselves. our parents belong to us, then they belong to the world, and sometimes they can even figure out a way to belong to themselves. our animals belong to their litters and to the streets before they belong in our homes and go back to God. our lovers belonged to their pasts before they ever belonged with us, until it comes time for us to release them.

and you have to ask the right questions. it’s not, “do i belong to this place? or to these people?” it’s, “does this place belong to me? does this person belong to me? or do they belong with someone else? is it for someone else to tend to them, and not me?” do you want to know who you belong to? ask yourself today, “am i a star, a planet or a black hole?”

black holes will take anyone and anything; they gobble everything up and are always hungry for more. there’s not enough light in the universe that would make them whole. black holes belong to no one but themselves.

planets do not belong to one another; planets want stars. because they don’t make their own light, they need stars to experience day and night. planets belong to their stars.

stars are on fire, glittering the entire universe. stars don’t see planets. they are burning too bright and too far away to know or even care whose lives they illuminate. stars are lonely in this way but that’s how stars belong to one another. what you will find, at the end of the day, is that belonging is beloved.

53

choose what’s yours.

what are you listening to? you can tune the radio to any number of frequencies: high, low, and many in between. the broadcasts play simultaneously and you may only listen to one show at a time.

what will it be today? is it the mom & dad show? everything your parents judge, believe and hold dear? you might not recognize it as such because it comes through in your own voice half the time. but this is the station you’ve tuned into the longest, since you were a child.

or how about the friends & enemies show? these are the perspectives, affinities and opposing views that anchor your egoic persona into your current social circles. you tune into this station to navigate daily interactions as the character of “acceptable” you. other times, you’ll turn up chores & obligations radio to lock in and get things done.

each day, we start over. we jump in the car for yet another ride to the usual destination or to drive someplace new. the trip is not optional but you can choose: radio or silence. find an outside frequency or sit in a bit of quiet to explore your own vibration, even if tuning into yourself is not as easy as a radio preset button.

here’s the thing. everyone broadcasts a signal, knowingly or not. you can’t control any of the external frequencies; only whether you tune in or tune out. people are tuned into you even if you are not tuned into yourself. and yours is the only frequency that matters.

52

that’s how you know.

the first valentine was a saint. funny, that. because love doesn’t want saints, heroes or martyrs. anytime you want to be a hero in love, you will lose the relationship. the price the martyr pays is her life. while love is sacred service, the saint’s reward is asymmetry.

the matrix is in your mind. so of course, no one will stop you from using love to stay small and trapped, always having to be the bigger person, never learning how to be truly vulnerable or how to receive, instead of living in love as a garden where your soul is safe to bloom, grow and flow – a sacrament to honor all that is both human and divine in you.

of course no one will stop you thinking that the most important thing you can do in relationship is to define which half of the chores is yours, that there’s a mommy or daddy out there who will be a perfect fit to forever parent your inner child, and to make sure you can take what you need. no.

relationship is a meal we cook together. relationship is how you unlock the next version of you. it’s where the masks come off. you find a partner who naturally, lovingly and unhesitatingly protects your heart so that ego can rest from a job for which it was ill-equipped. i keep you safe from the rest of the world and from all the parts of me that still need healing. you let me live out the consequences of my actions. together, we are the strongest and most free we will ever be.

51

you will heal.

what is healing? healing is working through the discomfort that arises without dissociating or projecting. you dissociate when you numb into your addictive tendencies. you project when you blame the people around you, the places you may be stuck or the situations in which you find yourself; these are not what is hurting you. by staying present, you are not “letting in” the pain; the pain is coming from inside, not outside. and you’re not meant to keep it. the event or trigger that brought the pain to your attention is helping you bring it up and out of your system, to be felt by you and then released. it’s a process of “letting out” and “letting go.” healing is surrender.

think of the common cold. it goes around every year and it’ll always eventually be your turn for a cold. the germ gets inside of you and there you are: coughing, congested, miserable, stuffy head and stuffy nose. you can drink water and lay around, but there will be no denying or avoiding it. this time is for you to be a body and to heal at a pace not controlled by the mind. all you can do is be gentle with yourself, lest you prolong the cycle. the symptoms are the release. the pain is not the problem. it’s just telling you that something wants out. and you have to feel it to heal it. you cannot think your way out of a cold or a heartbreak or grief.

think of a broken bone. how do you heal it? you don’t. the body knows the process better than you do. you go to the doctor because they will tell you how to allow the body to heal itself: protect it, rest, don’t be a dumbass and re-break it while it’s vulnerable, and then you can have that limb back after it’s reconstructed itself stronger than the original. the coach is not the player. doctors and gurus are not the healer. the healer is you.

50

your power.

what does it mean to be sovereign? a king or queen does not know the future any better than the rest of us. sovereign is not fortuneteller or soothsayer. rather, the monarch is a guide, chosen to lead. the guide takes fellow travelers through unknown territory. no one knows what the adventure holds or what even the next few minutes will bring.

the queen does not complain. she may say, “i am struggling to find the will, the words, or the way.” but she uses her voice to state the truth and not to lament it. she seeks wise counsel and gets the help she needs to fulfill duty to self and others. if you are complaining on the journey, you are not the leader; you are last in the party, trailing behind. and guess what, every situation is new; everything is the unknown. are you protecting and guiding yourself through it or are you allowing yourself to be led, to who knows where?

the king does not try. he is either thinking or doing. he may not say, “i am trying to [do the thing].” this is because his responsibilities are far too great to merely attempt. he is permitted to fail but trying is not leadership. peasants try and fail or they may try and get lucky. the king does everything he can and does not stop until he is successful.

the king has a hard job and that job is not to make everyone happy. “everyone happy” is incidental to “what’s best.” imagine your job is to figure out “what’s best” and “get it done.” maybe everyone will be happy but also maybe everyone will be unhappy. too bad. they’re not the king.

49

it’s you.

you are your own responsibility. your inner child, your insecure teenager, your unlimited genius, artistic expression, physical gifts, your magic and your power belong to you. they are your sole responsibility. you are the person whose task it is to sharpen her edges before the battle finds her, and you are the only one that is qualified to wield the blade that is you.

now, how do we find this out? short childhoods and growing up too fast. experiences that tell us we are ugly and unwanted, almost perfect but simply not good enough. teachers and adults that failed to light the path that would best serve us in career or education. bullies that said our words were stupid, that our songs were silly and that our drawings were bad. the people who left us on the bench when it came time to pick teams, who did not offer the minor adjustments that could help unlock our potential. the relationships that used us and drained us, and the circles that closed themselves to us.

anyone that made us feel small, told us we were born to serve, insisted that we were the problem, a burden, and nothing special —this is how the magnitude of our energy actually made them feel while in our presence— except they didn’t know it and we didn’t know it, either. for a long time, we unconsciously participated in this mistaken belief, this lie, right alongside them. but now you know that your power was always too vast and too precious for anyone else to diminish or take for themselves.

someone will come along that cherishes your inner child, drives your inner teenager to that concert and to the mall, engages with your unlimited genius, is moved by your artistic expression, sees your physical gifts, protects your heart, and honors you without fear, envy or hesitation. but before you meet them, you must first meet yourself. before you meet your king, the queen must rise.

48

here’s the thing.

here’s the thing about wrong, imperfect and flawed: once you see it, you can’t unsee it. once you see how unhappy you truly are, you cannot not solve the problem. from that point, you delay the inevitable: you will find the solution or the solution will find you.

this is why people refuse to see; why they choose to strengthen their denial and allow the locks to rust shut. this is how we continually choose our own bullshit over the people we love and over our own freedom. “i do not know what it is to thrive, but i do know how to survive, so let me just stick to what i know.”

remember that your doubts, your fears, your feelings of being small and unimportant –your limitations– are not only illusions; they do not belong to you. as loudly as you claim them, as fiercely as you protect them, as staunchly you defend them, as often as you choose them, and no matter how far you have carried them or how long you have insisted on them, they are not yours. so whenever you decide to set them down, know that you are merely saying goodbye to now-familiar strangers, houseguests that overstayed their welcome. they taught you, they tamed you, and now you know that heaven and earth belong to all that is wild and free inside you.

47

of course.

we often tell ourselves, “this divorce would be easier if kids weren’t involved. i wish i didn’t have cancer. this addiction is killing me.” no. without your kid, without that disease, without the addiction, you would never know what “i fought the hardest i ever fought in my life” means.

and this is how everything that comes to you is a gift. some gifts just need to be unwrapped. your soul is like that, too: perfect, God’s gift. wrapped and covered in layers that must eventually be discarded, not because they are “bad,” but simply because they are obscuring the gift, what’s perfect, what wants to shine: your true self.

you didn’t come to this earth, as a diamond, that was meant to stay buried. no. and here’s how we help one another: sometimes it’s someone else who starts the digging that you, yourself, and only you, must finish. they can see the diamonds before you do. reveal your own diamonds, my friend. find the precious, find the love, find the warrior, find the queen within.

46

it’s worth it.

that which you are compelled to do, exactly the way you do it, even against your better judgment? it’s the right thing to do. why? because that’s the only way you will see: [1] how beautiful you are and [2] what it is you came here to learn.

you won’t know what’s inside until you see yourself doing it on the outside. you need who you are to be reflected back to you to know who, exactly, “who you are” is. do you know what your left eye looks like? no. not until you see yourself in a mirror. do you know what tattoos do? they merely bring to the surface certain energy and experiences so as not to be forgotten.

now, the universe doesn’t care how long it takes for you to learn what you need to learn, just so long as you learn it — even if it feels like wasted time. your soul knows that time isn’t real; time is just one of the perceptual constraints inherent to your meat suit. so what’s more important? “saving time?” or honoring the integrity and perfection of your soul through aligned action? what about doing what you think is right, even if it goes nowhere, even if the only person who would see it is you? why should we waste time making “perfect” or doing the ultimate if “good enough” is good enough?

because your best comes from God. how would you like to meet your maker on judgment day and say, “i gave just enough, not too much, and was sure to waste none of my time while on this earth. i made no further effort beyond my actions as a ‘good enough parent,’ ‘good enough spouse’ or ‘good enough friend.’” no. that’s not why we are here.

the perfect and the good are enemies. it’s a funny kind of war, but you must be sure to pick the right side.

45

it’s faith.

what is love? love is faith. love, in fact, is the strongest form of faith. why? because it’s this: believing that today is good, that the future exists, and that it will be a good future. and love, in its purest form, just like faith, is forever. i’ll tell you how:

when you love someone, even if you’re disagreeing, even if you’re fighting, even if one or both of you is sick, you find the strength to believe that today is still good because you are together. this is the person you get to fight with, that you get to exercise this perennial disagreement with, that you get to love so hard that you would always choose having loved them even as you are, each day, losing them to death (inevitable), even as disease steals them away before your eyes (the hardest), and even as you find your paths diverging at a crossroads.

notice how love makes death the best case scenario, because it means you got to have them until it was no longer possible. love shows you forever when you realize that there’s no untouched future version of you. and love reveals itself as faith when you choose to believe that this now makes every future, with or without them, a good one.

44

this is how.

every whenever, you will be called to start a new life. some new lives start on the outside, like switching jobs or moving cities, which will change you eventually, from the outside in, while others will move you from the inside out.

these new lives may arise unbidden, they may have been prayed for over a period of years, while others will be experienced as initiations that arrive suddenly, like a thunderclap that jolts you into the next scene. the curtain rises and there you are, a deer in the headlights, set pieces in shambles. the entire next act is having to put your life back together, with everyone watching from their seats.

some of your new lives have been desperately waiting for you to build the conviction that you are, in fact, ready for the leap, while others couldn’t come soon enough for you to fly on untested wings. you’ll learn what it’s like to be old and unwilling to close a chapter and what it’s like to be young and ready to write an entirely new book.

these new lives are all around us and within us, like little sprouts budding out of the soil. you might look around and not know what’s new and what’s worn its welcome. deep inside, you’ll feel both: the stirrings of what’s to come and gratitude for what has now bloomed into harvest. and this is how we honor the seasons of our lives. we allow the energies of winter and spring, summer and fall, to visit us in their own time. you turn the wheel and the wheel turns you.