43

what is it?

what is surrender? it means accepting zero control over the outcome, the process and the timing. it means conforming your will to take the next steps that are presented to you and demanded of you, unfamiliar steps you’ve never taken before, while knowing nothing and understanding nothing.

surrender means finally allowing something greater to hold you, to carry you, so that you may eventually learn to hold and carry yourself with all the love that you sought to wrest from people, places and things external to you. surrender is forcing yourself to find everything you ever wanted inside yourself, at your own house.

and how does surrender make you stronger? if you already have everything you need within you, then all of the begging, borrowing and stealing you used to do can finally end. when you nourish yourself, you will find that the world comes now to eat out of your hand. when you find the benevolent creator within, you become a benevolent creator without.

42

it means you want more.

does your life have an ache? good. pain means that whatever it was that hurt you is keeping you alive. that’s what it chose. now, what do you choose? should the pain end you even if the hurt didn’t?

ok but keep me alive for what, you might ask. keep me alive for more rain? yes. keep you alive for more rain, keep you alive for more rainbows. rain and rainbows are your angels: memories of rain are meant to sweeten your rainbows and memories of the rainbows are your comfort in the rain.

on the path from child to adult to sovereign, we are meant to learn first, how to live within limitations; second, how to allow those limitations to strengthen us; and third, when to exchange those limitations for how we expect life to meet us as we pursue our dreams. we set down what does not belong to us so that we may draw closer to what does.

41

already perfect.

you are perfect. there is nothing you need to do to be worthy of your dreams or to deserve that which you desire. because only God can make perfect, you must also believe that God only makes perfect.

your ability to receive must be perfected. tell me what it sounds like when you receive a compliment. are you even able to? or is it, “this old thing?" how do you respond to a bit of good luck? do you try to explain it away until all of a sudden there's no such thing as luck? there could still be some work to do. because if you want big, if you want a lot, if you want "unlikely" and it makes people laugh in your face, you will need to strengthen and expand your ability to receive that exact thing, or better, and more. start small, begin where you are, and keep going.

your perfect [what you want] exists. it will be perfect by the time it reaches you. it will lock on when you lock in, and for now, it is still on its way. trust yourself, trust in the unfolding, trust in the divine, and know these are one in the same.

40

it’s not more magical.

manifestation is not magic. even if it were, manifestation is not more magical than a car ride, tidying up your desk at the end of the day, or looking through some old photographs for an entire afternoon. you are a manifestation. someone wanted you; if it wasn’t your birth parents, students, or self that called you here, it was the universe that brought you into existence and made sure you showed up.

maybe you’re lucky and it’s easy for you to remember how incredibly wanted you truly are. but for everyone else, here is your reminder that this is how you were manifested —like magic or not— you were wanted and now you exist. that’s how it works: you yourself are a divine manifestation and that gives you the power to manifest. manifestations beget manifestations. magic makes more magic, if you will.

why do you think you have dreams and desires? how do you find yourself with them? how does what you want show up in your reality? you were desired. you are desired. you are someone’s dream come true. if you are not exactly feeling this way, look into the mirror and make yourself remember. there’s only one person that needs to be reminded, and that’s you. because this was the first true fact about you, and it’s probably still the only truth that really matters, even now. this truth is the foundation upon which all the other truths and all of your manifestations have been and will ever be based.

39

as long as it takes.

how do we shift from building to being? from the external to the internal work? from moving the mountain to gazing softly from its peak? can you master both the masculine principle of building and the feminine principle of being?

we will be called to do both, even as humans tend to use these modes to distract from one another, and as society privileges visible over invisible work: valuing what is seen over what is felt. it’s not that one is easier; we merely find ourselves more practiced in one over the other. you might come to the end of 40 years spent building, having taken the entire time to learn how. when your task shifts to the being, you may not know exactly how to do it on day 1.

so how do you go from concerning yourself with shelter and sustenance to tolerating your own solitude? the answer is, “however long it takes, whether in months, years or lifetimes.” and when you have faith in your desires, you will be able to sit with yourself, in the house that you built, with the strength to wait patiently until it arrives at your door.

38

ask the question.

if you ask for sustenance, the universe doesn’t always send abundance straightaway. it will likely give you everything you need to teach yourself how to never ask for it again. if you ask for clarity, the universe may send you sudden insights, or experiences that burn themselves into you, because there’s nothing more clear than living into the answer.

if you ask for love, you may first receive everything that is not love so that you can learn to distinguish love from its impostors, together with everything you would need to remove each of your internal and external barriers to receiving it. these obstacles might not show themselves out of your life or your heart so easily, and may require a grieving period; we are free to allow this process as long as it takes.

we tend to plead as we ask, doubting that we will be heard. but the universe is always listening, and we have to understand the difference between good questions and bad questions. what’s a good question? how am i blessed? why do i get to have so much? what do i need to know? what do i need to see? why are you showing me this? what’s a bad question? why am i sad? why do i lack? why can’t i have what i want? the answers are always forthcoming, so be sure to ask the good questions. try asking, “why am i happy?” and see what comes. know that bad questions are merely a habit, ready for breaking.

37

contrast is the gift.

the heart breaks in two ways: now you know that you can hold big and bad just as you can hold big and good. first, they showed you what love was by showing you what love isn’t. then they showed you what love was by showing you what love is. this is because you have to be able to see through the illusion before the truth can be revealed.

and now that you can hold all that happened (love, after all, is a mystery, in all forms, in and of itself) the miracle can come. you can now ask the universe to bring it to you, your ultimate desire. “universe, bring me the good. i’m ready.”

what is abundance, anyway? it’s to have what you need while not needing what you have; having what you want and wanting what you have. and what is certainty? it’s knowing that any void that is created must one day be filled. the void, the empty, is the space that the light of your blessings need to be able to come in.

think about your dreams. do you think they would have been created the same day you receive them? no. just like you, they started from seed and needed time and nurture to mature and thrive. so they are already here. they exist right now. and they will flow into your reality when you’ve made enough room (tolerated the void) and adjusted your vision (believed before seeing) and softened the urgency of ego.

we don’t know the future until it’s present; clarity of faith is how blind men see.

36

you will receive more.

would you like to have more or fewer senses? i’m talking about extra-sensory perception, embracing embodiment and knowing things before they hit your bodily receptors.

you begin by using the senses you have. and not everyone has the same number. but if you can hear sounds using your ears, open them and learn to listen. if you can use your eyes to perceive the world around, then learn how to see and not be distracted by how things look.

does your nose register smells? learn to separate the scents and to smell what’s different, what has changed. can your mouth distinguish between delicious and disgusting? refine your palate and begin to take in food slow enough for the energy and your appreciation to sink in.

your skin is your largest organ. is it able to bring in data from the world? does the hair on your arm stand up for you? experience the difference between silk and burlap, cotton linen and cashmere. get in touch with what’s around you so that you can learn the difference between “full-body yes” and “absolutely not.” use what you have and you will begin to receive more.

35

you would have picked wrong.

the people you were don’t exist anymore. if it pushed you to the bottom of the ocean, it’s not the same you that will break the surface.

of course your younger parts will want it all to make sense, and if not now, then soon. but that’s not how it works. the answer is the process. the mystery isn’t the story. “what happens now? i didn’t want it to end this way!” rather, it’s, “who must i become now? now that i know? with these feelings that i hadn’t felt before?”

have you ever tried to stir sugar into cold liquid? it can take a long time or you can simply give up, leaving crystals at the bottom of the glass. what you need to do to integrate the experience is to introduce energy. generating heat is just making molecules move faster. so you’re going to move faster, using all the new energy that’s flooding your system, and that’s how you turn sugar into sweetness.

you’ll realize that you were simply being made to choose the person you are becoming over the person who left. had it gone any other way, you would have picked wrong. because nobody wants illness, loss or destruction. we want to be happy. we want to be rewarded with certainty. but remember that when the body breaks, the soul grows. comfort is death. happy = growth. the universe already knows who needs to go and when the new you needs to come in.

34

what will?

what will change you? sometimes it’s a place. it can be art; whether it’s words, images or a song. time can do it but that takes a while. sometimes it’s a person; appearing suddenly, staying too long, leaving too quickly, with you on the journey just long enough for you to stop taking them for granted - and then they’re gone.

nothing is permanent, that’s what makes so many things beautiful: childhood, flowers in a vase, not even the sand on the beach. know that everything in your life has been loaned to you; you are borrowing it for a time. and you exchange the person you once were for the person you must become.

everything is a doorway: that disease, that opportunity, that challenge. enter the portal of your own volition. if you don’t choose, the choice will be made for you. let the change come from within. otherwise, pray that something nice comes along for you; because in this life, something inevitably will. change is coming for you or change is coming from you. it will happen, so do it without being asked. do it when they ask nicely or you’ll have to allow the pain to purify you, instead.

and it’s not just one change. you live enough life and you start to see that it’s constant not just outside; it’s your job to keep changing on the inside, as well. so change your mind. welcome that change of heart. this is what your soul asked for. it asked to come to an earth with seasons and epochs and 24 different times of day. if you don’t let this life change you, what will?

33

good luck.

what if the feeling of lack is a gift, a first step towards what you desire? an unconscious, primal habit just waiting to be transformed into an active, expansive consciousness of discovery and deserving?

i am missing [this] which tells me that what i might want is [that] and i deserve to experience the personal (energetic) and external (practical) journey towards [having it]. we all know that we don’t always get what we want and we don’t always want what we get; we will receive something better or we will get what we need.

there’s nothing wrong with feeling or noticing a lack or absence. our first experience outside of the womb is a crying out for what we think we just lost (safety and connection) and for what we now urgently need (food, comfort). this tells us that we are, in fact, alive.

lack can guide us to what we desire, which can guide us into becoming the next versions of ourselves. and what happens when a desire is fulfilled? well, that comes with a goodbye; the self that has it buries the self that went out and got it. and then we begin again. a new sense of lack is born, and we get to move forward. or we can lament the illusion of, “i’m never happy! what if nothing will ever be enough?” the despair does not have to be true. it might not be terrible to be periodically visited by lack. maybe it just means you that get to want more and have more. that you get to desire differently and grow in new directions. in which case, lucky you.

32

it’s your own song.

the best thing you can do is to let them carry themselves home. you do it for them and they stay lost; they’ll never know the way.

it doesn’t matter if loving them is the easiest thing in the world for you to do; that’s not the problem. that’s not why they were brought to your door. you let them into your hospitality to show them that they are deserving; that’s it. the rest is up to them. the workout video is not the workout. you cannot heal yourself by healing others. they need their own soil (soul) to grow. as do you. every journey unfolds at its own pace. you cannot hurry them up to see what you see.

the most beautiful person in the world starves for compliments [only so that she can disbelieve them] until she can walk in her own light. the most talented person in the world starves for external validation [only so that he can discount it] until he realizes that he must compose the masterpiece for himself alone, an audience of one.

you have to go around singing your own song.

31

how do you do it?

how and what is detachment in love? it means that you don’t need them to know that you are beautiful.

i know you didn’t ever feel safe or beautiful until you saw yourself reflected in their eyes. it was unbelievable when it happened. and they guided you to so many hidden parts of yourself that wanted healing. but now they’ve been gone long enough, and you’ve found that you could fall in love with yourself through (in) the unfolding of your own life.

remember that you are surrounded by people all day. it’s not only the most beautiful mirror that can tell you the truth or show you who you are. everyone is showing you to yourself, if you let them. you no longer need the one to be in love with you. you no longer need them to be in love with yourself.

“i love you” means: i want you to be happy. i want you to be free. all your parts are safe with me. and there’s nothing stopping you from extending this definition to yourself.

keep them in your heart forever, with gratitude, but now you’ve built an entire life that keeps you in love with yourself. you can let them come back and be loved by you. you can still build something together if that should happen. but you don’t need them for you to exist in love. and this is how you give yourself back to yourself. true love isn’t giving yourself away to the most deserving; it’s coming home.

trust that every time your heart breaks, you’ll get a new one.

30

they must, too.

as you grow, your dreams and desires must grow, too. it does not make sense to be 25 years old and want only what your five-year old self wanted.

what’s difficult is that some dreams take many years to come to fruition. if you embrace a dream that takes 15 years to come true and promptly embark on that same day, you would inevitably have become an older (if not entirely different) version of yourself by the time that dream was in your hands. and what if now that dream is too small? not what you thought it would be? no longer what you desire, now that you had finally accomplished it?

ask yourself if you are brave. are you brave? are you brave enough to have more than one dream? to begin again? to step aside and let someone else have this one while you set off again, in pursuit of your next future? scary gives you the opportunity to be brave. courage requires fear. it’s not courage if it’s calculable. tomorrow is unknown, either way.

do not deny yourself your own growth. do not deny your dreams the freedom to change as profoundly as you do.

29

light it up.

lighting in the sky. knowing its potential for harm and destruction, would you still choose it for its beauty? just to see it tear into the dark and help you believe in something again? maybe not. and maybe that’s why the choice has already been made for us. lighting is a part of nature, as inevitable as death, and a fleeting, powerful symbol of life itself.

there is a timeline where that song means nothing to you. where you don’t find out how powerful your energy is. where you don’t change their life and they don’t change yours. where your heart isn’t blasted open and ripped into shreds. where the unknown doesn’t shatter you every day. where you don’t come to know exactly how prometheus feels —having shared the fire that brought men out of the dark— now that the eagle tears into his liver for a daily eternity. where a song is just a song. where neither of you wakes up.

but you chose this one. you choose this one. and that’s how our choices can light up a sky full of stars.

28

the loving gardener.

a loving gardener doesn’t do dumb things like put the plant in the wrong soil or light, drown it in water, and then call it “high-maintenance” or “needy” or “unlovable.”

she identifies the plant for what it is and then strives to meet its needs to the best of her ability. she tends to the plant and watches over it to see that the plant is taking to its new environment. sometimes the plant has to be moved or pruned. plants get sick but they, too, can be healed. she researches the methods that might possibly delight the plant and help it thrive. this is because she is curious and patient and wants the plant to have what it needs.

you, my friend, contain multitudes. locate within you the loving gardener. tend to yourself and find out how you might thrive. there are people who say things like, “i don’t like orchids. they are high-maintenance and they never bloom more than once with me.” well, those people don’t deserve orchids; orchids do not belong with them.

you belong to you and you are not for everyone. be a loving gardener to yourself so that you can recognize other loving gardeners when they walk into your life.

27

what you want, or better.

if life is a classroom and earth is the school, then what we care about are the exams. and what we want, what we are working towards, are the exam results.

all you can do is your best. all you can do is to give everything. all you can do is prepare and perform. and pray that your pencils don’t break, that your pens don’t run dry, and that your laptop works. what you must not do (what you cannot do) is make them grade the exams faster or make them change your grade. the results are the results and the results are final.

good thing the tests keep coming; this is what your soul signed up for. and after a while, you’ll understand the secret, which is that it’s pretty much the same test, over and over. different words, different exam lengths, and sometimes it’s multiple choice. these tests are asking you about you: who are you and what do you want?

many of the exams are group projects. and if you fail a group exam, you’ll keep getting assigned these same classmates to help you answer those same questions. you may not recognize them as the same, and this will drive your loved ones mad; they will wonder why you keep signing up for the same thing, with the same people, every time.

the assignments won’t change until you do. the results you want won’t come until you allow them through. don’t worry. you will receive the exact people and lessons you need. the results change when you change. you may be asked to wait; there may be delays in getting the results out. but eventually, you will get the results you want, or better.

26

you’ve never been.

different versions of you will be called into existence. the version of you that accomplished the thing against all odds. the version of you that lost what you could not live without. the version of you that had to rebuild after your hopes and dreams were reduced to rubble.

the more versions of you that you allow to come forward, the more confident and authentic you will become. the more you resist at every juncture, the more afraid and less compelling you will be.

why do we value travel so highly? it’s not because being a tourist is fun. it’s not always fun and every place won’t be your favorite. we aren’t always prepared; we overpack, underpack, and sometimes they lose your luggage. it’s because we love people who have been somewhere and made it back to share, wide-eyed with wonder, deeper and more still, with the certainty that all roads lead us back to ourselves.

in this life, some of us will journey within and some of us make the journey without. not everyone gets to go everywhere. but make sure you go somewhere. say yes to the extra ticket, especially if you’ve never been. jump on the train or be dragged. be at the station on time even if you don’t know which bus is yours. it will stop for three seconds and then that version of you has passed.

25

when is it time?

it’s always unlikely until it’s inevitable. the greatest things almost didn’t exist. and now, because they do, of course they exist. we love this story. it helps us believe that we are somehow held and guided. even when it looks like nothing is happening, something is happening.

it’s not true that we have to see to believe. we believe and often expect the invisible. for example, how upsetting is it for the internet to go out? for the microwave to stop working? for the radio to give you static instead of the right frequency? we expect and demand the invisible to work for us. many more important things are like this, like gravity and like God, supporting all potentialities and all actualities.

some things you have to believe before you can see. you will have to get everyone out of your way (be stubborn) and you will have to get out of your own way (don’t be stubborn). lovingly. in a way that makes you bigger and not smaller. expansion over contraction. “how” is as important as “what,” and you’ll also have to know when. do you wait until you’re pushed (from the outside) or do you wait until you’re pulled (from the inside)?

when is it time to take the path of least resistance and when is it time to walk until the path appears? it depends on what is at stake. if it’s for the protection, preservation or growth of your soul, you walk by inner rather than outer certainty. if it’s anything else, chop wood and collect water on the path of least resistance. and remember the two paths: the one in your mind and the one below your feet. only the mind path can make that same water feel heavier or lighter as you walk it up the everyday hill.

you get to choose your regrets: you can regret the thing you did or you can regret the thing you didn’t do. all your life, you’re making this choice, even if you are unaware. so become aware. choose expansion, choose love, and love harder.

24

you have to make it.

after a while, the answer isn’t in other people’s art. it’s in yours. God made you good at something. so now you have to make it.

take as long as you need to find out what this is, but you can’t not figure it out and you can’t not do the thing. and then once you start, you must not stop. do not become distracted by criticism or praise (or worst of all, silence); treat them both the same, as Rudyard Kipling admonishes in his poem.

we create for the purpose of expressing the light within, not for it to be liked. look around you. God didn’t create everything to be liked. that’s not why we create. and God didn’t create to make money; money is man’s own limited shorthand. don’t worry. your day/night job can make you money but it’s your art that must bring you value: does it keep you out of trouble? does it keep you sane? does it keep you from despair? well, keep going and that’s what happiness feels like.

words are so limited. define your own “it makes me happy.” define your own “this is me” and “i’ve always wanted to do this.” God created you to create, not merely to consume.

let me also just say, it’s “create [energy].” your art need not be material. it can be lighting up a room [with your energy]. sparking the joy of learning within a child [with your energy]. showing people that they, too, can be brave [with your energy]. it’s art when the light of the universe passes through your hands and into another. art is how we keep the lights on.