23

do you ever wonder?

what if we are being called to re-enchant our own worlds? why do you think we have been beguiled into thinking that we already know (and don’t care) what’s under that rock (it’s bugs not gnomes) or inside this tree (it’s just rings not dryads) or around the corner (it’s just the neighbors not any nymphs)?

we have renounced our collective heritage of symbols, fairytales, fables and mythological archetypes, which require interaction, a solitary poring over and many visits as different versions of ourselves, to derive meaning over knowledge. they’ve moved us away from the interpretive experience of books and handed us these screens by which to take in pre-processed entertainment and explainers.

we have replaced foods with nutrients. chewing is optional. this is the difference between being spoonfed and learning to forage in nature. both traditions have a time and place but we’ve lost motivation for the latter. why? because it’s not straightforward and it requires the time and attention that consumerism has already claimed.

remember that we do not know what’s coming and that we have an extremely limited grasp of what’s here now. be in awe of it all and the experience of wonder that eludes us will waft ever so gently back into your daily, moment-to-moment consciousness, back into who you are. to the child within. this is the energy inside you that uses this world to create and imagine. we won’t have to remind ourselves to be grateful when we allow it to be threaded back into our perception.

22

be who you are.

knowing what you like is not the same as knowing what you want; having preferences is not a desire. doing the practical things that need to be done in your life each day is not the same as being who you are. what you came here to do is probably not what anyone outside of you would consider to be “practical.” we are looking instead for “necessary.” it is not practical for the statue to be found inside a block of marble; it is necessary.

“be who you are” happens in three parts: [1] be where who you are can thrive, [2] do what you need to do to thrive, and [3] keep going in that direction. you have to find the right environments where you can do what you need to do, and grow into more of you, not less of you.

because we are always in motion, because we represent and because everything around us is experienced as a divine unfolding, being faithful to ourselves includes finding out what you can’t help but do. here’s a hint: it’s already been happening this whole time, especially if you have been somehow trying to stop or discourage yourself from doing it. the answer is inside of you. you’ll admit it to yourself after you’ve lived enough life and sat in enough silence. that’s the digging. it’s in there deep. there’s no treasure sitting at the surface. you don’t find diamonds in the topsoil.

and you might never understand it, even as you are compelled in that direction. you don’t have to understand your life to live it well. people don’t have to understand you to love you.

21

what you want.

there is abundance in your life even as your focus goes to lack. children are abundant in potential and lack agency. adults claim their individual agency only to discover an unsettling lack of control over the world. the tweens and teens have an abundance of angst because they lack the velocity to match their dreams. the poor lack material wealth, while the rich must go out of their way to meet the ecstasy of faith. we all have and have not. and yet. to be human is to desire.

how do we desire well when a healthy appetite is a gift and craving so often becomes a curse? when does “more” help us and when does it hurt us? we have to find out for ourselves and live into the correct answer. it will not be perfect, but there is a version of right and wrong that is specific to you and to you alone.

the question is, “how does what i want help me find out who i am, who i am not and bring me closer to who i want to be?” it’s not about getting the thing. you want the thing because getting the thing means something about you and not about it.

sometimes the question is a dilemma. and i will posit that the correct answer is: both and neither. how will you know? cake or pie? it’s both. new or old flame? neither.

the right answer is always “you.”

Twenty

why do you think?

why do you think they’ve made it easier to buy a major league baseball hat than for you to be on your own team?

every team is composed of a variety of players. it always ends up this way, whether the owners want it or not. of course everyone wants all superstars for every position. and to bring home the championship season after season, even if our losses have more to teach us. and yet, within each of us, as men, we too, are internally divided, with different strengths and competing desires.

the most beautiful thing i’ve seen on a television is a team that plays well together. yet it’s more common for one or two of the strongest to lead and carry an entire team to victory. but what if you gave all of your parts equal time on the field? do you think it’s fair for whole, real parts of you to get zero playing time?

you are composed of both shadow and light, beautifully so. do we not give equal significance to midnight and noon? to the equinoxes and solstices? to the new and full moons? then why not ourselves? why do we reflexively push parts of ourselves away and down —why tolerate this from our handlers— when we all know what happens? that every bubble bursts?

offer a home to all of you. we all belong somewhere, even if we each cannot belong everywhere.

Nineteen

your turn.

everyone gets a turn. if you’re lucky, you too will play villain, martyr and king. every villain receives the opportunity to recant. the martyr may set down her cross at any time. the king always loses his crown.

in this life, we may be invited to play different roles, and we will faithfully take our places as usher, orchestra, understudy, patron and stagehand. do not disrupt the show. no production runs forever. there’s a story wanting to be told and all roles are equally important.

play your part. show people to their seats; light their way in the dark. relish the script; it’s already inside you, revealing itself. show them that the hero is a human and that the villain was also once a child. play the harp or hold the spotlight, and don’t worry that you’ll be asked to do both at the same time; that’s not how it works.

everyone gets their turn, whether in this life or the next. there is a divine unfolding and discovery playing out. while there are no rehearsals scheduled for this production, you’ll know what to do, and rest easy that you’ll never be called to direct.

Eighteen

what you need.

are you having trouble getting what you need? does a good night’s sleep elude you? have you been a lighthouse for too long, with no ships on the horizon? or is it external recognition that you so desperately crave? what about the right job with the right people doing the right thing for the right clients? are you worried that this may not even exist for you? do you need something you can believe in?

maybe stop judging everyone for their blessings and their misfortunes. let them have what they need.

let them have the best. forever daylight is a nightmare; allow them this moment in the sun. everyone deserves to be a child at three years old. but not everyone gets to have that. so let them be 33 and a mess. let them go the wrong way. let them be ready when they’re ready. let them experience the exact journey that they’re on.

the worst things will visit each of us, even if we don’t tell it to anyone. you can’t stop what’s coming for you or for those you love. even your enemies will get what they need. just give it a rest and see what this dislodges for you.

Seventeen

tell it to yourself.

you know that thing? that thing you keep telling them to do only because they keep not doing it? what you’ve been telling your friends over and over because it keeps happening and happening? that thing that turns you into that version of you? and you know you enjoy it a little bit; don’t lie. everyone loves to be right about something.

it’s that thing you’ve been saying for years now. you’ve been telling anyone who will listen and you’ve been trying to explain it to that person who still can’t and won’t ever understand. that thing that was bothering you so much that you even told it to your kid? you know which thing. that thing.

tell it to yourself. get yourself alone and say it aloud. as many times as you have to. until you can hear it. until it sinks in. and then stop. it’s probably not even your thing. it doesn’t even belong to you. and you know what? they heard you. they know how you feel about it. you told them to choose and they chose their bullshit over you.

so no more talking about it. no more talking about the problem. no more talking about the solution; it’s time to be about it. you think people haven’t been listening to you? you haven’t been listening to you. that’s what’s been hurting your feelings. leave it alone and find the solution within you.

Sixteen

we can only see ourselves reflected.

how do people know you? they know you by your face and your voice and your gait. how your voice sounds reverberating within your own skull is not how you sound. anyone who knows you can see that it’s you from a mile away; you didn’t know you walk like that.

you know yourself by your actions and your feelings. you know your own hands and feet like no one else. but have you ever seen your face outside of a mirror or a loving gaze? no, you haven’t. this is why we need one another. we need one another to know who we are and to recognize who we were.

this is how everything in this life serves you, how everything is a mirror. if you don’t like what you see, it’s an invitation for you to change your insides. what you see is dependent on who you are; what you feel arises from within you. your outsides will show you today (these are yesterday‘s fruit) but your insides (the seeds of your future) will show you tomorrow.

Fifteen

how will you know the difference between a teacher and a partner?

your teachers are your friends, lovers, enemies, neighbors, ex-husbands, ex-wives, your animals. you learn from them. they help you grow. when they show you who they are, they show you who you are. the change happens inside you, whereas a partner helps you change the world outside. together, you build a tangible container to hold the people you are becoming, whether this is a home where you both can live or a livelihood that sustains you both, or a life that is for just the two of you and is different to the lives you will continue to live for yourselves.

it’s the difference between a job that just shows you what you can give and a career that you build with your company, or a business that you build with your customers.

you won’t know which is which on day 1. every relationship takes time to unfold. every new beginning is an invitation. each person is a mirror that will show you to yourself. look what we can build together! or look how soft and how strong you are inside.

in some lifetimes and for certain seasons, you’ll be your only partner; you must build alone. there will be many teachers around you but no one else with whom to break ground, pour a foundation or lay bricks. it doesn’t matter. the work must begin. and once you start, you must not stop. build yourself a home. don’t let the rains come first. embody the qualities of a good partner: dependable and strong. complete yourself.

Fourteen

what if you are being protected.

what if your energy is so powerful and compelling and intoxicating that anyone would hang back and keep you, even if they were not your person and you were not theirs, wasting time, wasting life, snuffing out one another’s potential with each passing day, had you not suddenly been returned to yourselves and the business of actually and fully living your own lives?

odysseus was on his way home, where he was supposed to be, and still he passed an entire year with circe on her island, borrowing that time away from his real life. perhaps you are not meant to be a distraction or temporary haven. you are meant to be a real person, not only to your real person and to your real people, but to yourself. be a real person to yourself. you’re not a doll. you just don’t wait on a shelf where nothing happens between episodes of curiosity and play with others.

leave your island. let go the people and places that are indifferent to you, with whom you would only languish, that you know you can’t grow with. be your own velveteen rabbit. choose love. choose your own life. love yourself so hard that you become real.

Thirteen

nobody wants drugs.

there are two types of drugs: simple and complex. simple drugs have simple effects and predictable consequences. complex drugs have complex effects and unpredictable consequences.

simple drugs include alcohol, nicotine, cocaine, sugar, shopping, self-harm, distraction and fear. ply us with these and we will be yours forever. that is, until the drug destroys us or until we get to have what we really wanted in the first place. simple drugs give us what they say they will, what we ask them for, but only for a short time. if we are not careful, more will begin to ruin our relationships, finances and health. the path is well-charted. everybody wants what they want. when they can’t get it, they settle for a simple drug instead. simple drugs reduce us to our most basic elements and make children of us all. you want to grow up? get off the (simple) drugs.

complex drugs affect the way we see and think. permanently. these include plants and compounds from nature, traditionally regarded as medicine and often experienced as a journey. you do not know what you will see, feel or hear. you must surrender. they will show you that there is more that exists beyond what we can ordinarily perceive. you go to them when you want to explore. when you need a conversation with the divine, when you have questions for God, if you are curious, you will not find it in a simple drug that can only help you temporarily control rather than transcend the human experience. complex drugs don’t always give you what you want but they will give you what you need. complex drugs are not for children.

and what about love and hate? hate is a simple drug. love is a complex drug. obviously. who knows what a person in love might do? whereas hate is a predictable and well-trod road; you’ll have many fellow travelers for the journey. love brings us back inside. to the path within. and you’ll know your fellow travelers differently. because love has its own flag, you’ll know it when you feel it.

Twelve

it’s not monkey mind.

it’s beautiful dog. beautiful dog needs you to do your work so that he can eat and have a safe place to sleep.

he needs you to guide him so that you don’t get pulled to here and there and here and there. it’s not sniffing at every grass and every tree; it’s where you decide he will explore. it’s not react to everything that passes by or jump on everyone who comes to the door. it’s pause; let other people live.

not all of the lessons are easy for him but that does not mean the training stops. beautiful dog deserves kind words and encouragement. and you know his favorite treats.

beautiful dog knows you belong to one another but that you are not one in the same. there are ways that he protects you and there are ways that you protect him. beautiful dog serves you, not you serve him.

Eleven

how can you tell?

how can you tell the difference between giving and receiving when they look the same? an outstretched hand.

how can you tell the difference between giving that is taking and taking that is giving? how can we do it well?

discernment. receiving is not always easy because what we receive does not always feel good. first of all, what we receive is always a gift. but that doesn’t always tell us what it is. is it a disappointment or is it an opportunity to do for ourselves? you choose. choose the gift.

when is it time to give and when is it time to be still? you know that sometimes, they need you to hold the space so they can find their own wisdom. and sometimes, you need to share an outside view. both are a type of giving but it depends on them and not on you. choose them. you’ll know what they need when you can be humble enough to hear it.

Ten

you can exist outside of time.

there are two ways: in love and in friendship. these are the only two experiences that transcend the limits of time because they are or they aren’t. it’s love or it’s not. they are your friend or they are not.

this is because love and friendship are a type of recognition. i recognize that what i feel for you is love. i recognize you as a friend. when you know, you know. it’s the same feeling every time. it’s the same version of you that it brings out, each time. the recognition puts them in the category. love and friendship last forever.

how can this be true? because once it has existed in time, it always exists. and even if the person leaves, what you felt cannot die. love and friendship are in you to be brought out by others, old or new. you’ll always have loved them even if they are gone. nothing can take away that roadtrip or that conversation that unmasked the friend who came to you once as a stranger.

Nine

how hard is it to wake up?

and yet, if the universe had wanted you to stay asleep, they would have made it more obvious. daylight wouldn’t have been scheduled for half the time. someone would have stopped you from doing the same thing over and over, for a period of years. now, you can look back and see the pattern, clear as day, to what felt like random misfortune as you were living it.

everything is a mirror, an invitation or an unfolding. everything represents a choice. see it or don’t see it. say yes or say no. accept that we exist in time and let nothing else stop you.

here’s the trouble: asleep is comfortable; awake, upright with eyes open, is often the hardest. asleep, you can have your dreams; awake, they could end at any moment. you’ll not be lulled into wakefulness. that’s not how it works. waking and staying alive, truly alive and open to what’s coming and to what’s been done, it’ll change you, whether you choose it or not. so choose it. choose to become conscious. choose to expand that consciousness. love. love harder.

when the battle comes, a sleeping army is a dead army.

Eight

heartbreak can’t be bad.

did you know that everything will break your heart if it’s big and soft enough?

and how could this be bad? what is the alternative? a hard little pebble that bruises the princess in her sleep? maybe it’s a desiccated raisin that is no longer at risk of any kind of bruising or tear. it might sound like a tin can with some coins rattling in it. this would be horrible, actually.

instead, let your strongest and most vulnerable muscle bless you. let your heart keep you alive, faithfully pumping blood and air into your body, and letting in what comes to your door.

did it open you up in ways you hadn’t known before? good. that’s what it was meant to do. did it show you new depths to your grief? good. those are rooms to your soul that you hadn’t visited yet. make yourself at home. did it remind you that love and disappointment are brothers? good. we are meant to strive, to believe, to forget and to begin all over again. we didn’t come here to know all the answers. we were meant to choose and keep choosing. choose love. and love harder.

Seven

there are only two kinds of problems.

solvable problems have a solution. unsolvable problems have none.

it’s easy to have a high tolerance for solvable problems, letting them pile up or compound rather than addressing or neutralizing them as quickly and effectively as possible, and a low tolerance for unsolvable problems, being very loud about circumstances that are inherent to the human condition, or that require more cooperation or patience than man has ever been known to muster.

look at your life. solve the solvable problems and you’ll have less energy for the handwringing and gnashing of teeth over unsolvable ones. you’ll know which ones are which.

let the solvable problems make you stronger and let the unsolvable problems make you softer.

Six

it’s a mystery until it’s a miracle.

why do humans choose to create and consume “mystery” as an entertainment genre even as “the unknown” represents an extremely uncomfortable proposition in real life? because we need it to grow. when we choose it on tv, it’s fun. but when the unknown presents itself unbidden, it is difficult to welcome.

do you know what will happen 12 minutes from now? no, you don’t. no one does. if the “unknown” is always, what do we do? we let ourselves choose it instead of have it thrust upon us. it’s a hard choice but that’s the growth that is available.

pain. why do we do everything we can to avoid pain? and then we go to the gym and get a piercing and schedule another tattoo? because we need it to grow. every pain shows us a weakness that tomorrow could be our strength, if we choose it.

whatever is happening in your life is either a mystery or a miracle. choose pain, choose growth. choose the unknown. it’s a mystery until it’s a miracle.

Five

all days can be good days.

in the morning, the difference between jumping out of bed and snooze dread is a question of choice. do i feel like today is taking from me what i do not want to give? or do i freely give what today will ask of me, whatever that may be? choose the latter, whether you have slept soundly or poorly, because even if you wallowed in bed until noon, you can't go back to redo it. even if you’re scared, that means you get to be brave.

at night, the difference between an easy or strained wind-down is a question of attribution. did i do everything i needed to do today? did i do it the way i wanted to? did i respond to obstacles and encouragement in the best way? what's tomorrow looking like? did i set myself up well for that? what are my regrets?

i'll tell you the answers: "i did my best where i could and my best was good enough. where i couldn't bring out my best, now i can see where that path leads. God, thank you for letting me shine and thank you for letting me stumble today. because i am lucky, i get to wake up to choose and see something new.

knowing that i am held by the universe, that God allows me to succeed and God allows me to fail, relieves me of the burden that i have to carry it all. i don't. i am loved and held even as i struggle to love and hold myself.

when i win, i know that my actions and habits and structures are working, and that God is allowing me the satisfaction of a job well done. when i lose, i know i can still learn, grow and improve, and that God is giving me that opportunity. so let me rest for now. my calendar is full but i do not know what will happen tomorrow until i live it. the unknown is a gift from God. i can't wait to open it."

Four

try alchemy.

God starts creation and man completes it. only God knows and only man experiences.

what does this mean? God can't experience anything. think of listening to a song, fighting the common cold, witnessing a flower that blossoms from seed and stem. all of these require time. God does not exist in time because time is a constraint of perception and God is unlimited.

so how does God get to experience anything and everything? through us. each of us is a little vessel for God to be able to experience. what you're living through, what you're experiencing, God wanted to experience it through you. it's your privilege to honor this chosen experience and make it the best it can be. it's your game, your movie, your story, that you get to live out. and as your experience unfolds, you'll know nothing. only God can know. man can perceive the mysteries and the miracles and paradoxes of life, but we cannot truly understand or know anything. we can only be more or less wise to them.

note also that men don't make things happen - the only things that happen are what God allows to manifest. this means that everything good that ever happened in your life, God allowed it. everything bad that ever happened in your life, God allowed that too. because you're the essence of God in a meat suit, there's no hurt that cannot be healed, no separation that cannot be made whole, no loss that cannot be transformed into a win.

life is happening for you and not to you. life is coming from you and not at you. if it's from God, consider it a gift. so what's in the present? what is it telling you? how is it lighting the path back to yourself? God allows and man creates the reason for it, the meaning; that's how man completes creation.

"fate" is a passive abstraction; "meant to be" is incomplete. try "alchemy." turning lead into gold is alchemy; it's transmuting pain into power.