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final moments.

who do you want there with you in your final moments? who do you want, holding your hand and wishing you peace as you depart? who do you want with you as your body declines? in sickness and health, as they come and go in the twilight?

you want a self that loves you. a self that learned to stay. a self that can now sit quietly with you, as you, in the present, without running away. the self that got you through every unbearable thing. the one that still cries for every long-awaited blessing that finally arrived. you want a self you can trust. and you start building that self now, in this moment. a self that truly loves you is not an easy journey. may as well start now.

next to this self, you want God, the beloved. not a God to whom you’ve begged and pleaded your whole life for more or different. a God who knows you. the one you’ve been in conversation with for decades now, because you realized one day there’s actually no one stopping you speaking directly to God as a friend—the friend who never leaves. the one who watches over you when you sleep and when you’re behind the wheel with the windows down. the one who listens to your favorite songs on repeat and watches every comfort show, even as you scroll your phone. the one who loves you anyway.

and now, who did you want with you in your final years? not knowing which years or how many? someone good. someone true. someone that can know you when you’re beautiful and scared and ugly and brave. someone willing to know you through all of it, and all of you.