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going home.

after a while, the only thing that feels better than going back to food and cigarettes and smoking and drinking and shopping and scrolling and the pleasure of anger and the dissociation of overwhelm …is returning to yourself.

how do you do this?

you’re not going to “go home” to it if it’s still scary to your nervous system. this is probably why you’ve been trying to camp out in your own front yard this whole time. you have keys but no interest in the door; your own house might be confusing or not what you signed up for. that’s fine. it might have a lot of rooms you don’t like or rooms you don’t even know about. this can be unsettling and intimidating. much easier to stay outside. also fine.

either way, you’ll be invited to do a bit of cleanup. maybe take out the trash. look at old photographs, toys and mementos. once you establish a few walking paths, you start to realize that “home” is not the structure. it’s the one who goes up and down the stairs. the one who makes the bed each morning and turns the sheets down at night. the one who enjoys the collections, libraries and furnishings. the one who tidies up throughout the day. the one who watches the water boil and the tub fill and doesn’t let the house burn down or overflow.

home is your own awareness. home is how you return to the observer within.