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which reality?

you have to ask yourself, “what is my relationship to other people’s consciousness?”

am i trying to change it? is it expensive for me? do i subsidize it? what is my job there? does it give me permission to exist as i am? does it show me who i want to be? does it reveal my wounds? help me heal my wounds? am i seen? am i met? am i beautiful there? am i monstrous? am i conscripted into service? does my own consciousness have to shrink, perform or deny itself?

a person’s consciousness reflects the world they want to live in. do you want to live in a world where you’re always right and protected and held and provided for? a world where you are never wrong, you always know the answer, you’re never scared, you never have to be the one to protect or reciprocate, and where you are never excluded, ridiculed or misunderstood? that reality doesn’t exist. and if you want to live there, you will live there alone, apart from everyone you know and love.

and then your consciousness becomes a place where your fragility, your humanity, your vulnerabilities, your hopes and your dreams are centered. exclusively. your reality will automatically give everyone a job and assign everything a role. your consciousness becomes a closed system that charges a fee for entry and maintenance. it becomes a place where no other realities can exist. and you’ll know by how hard you defend it. you’ll know it is hostile to other realities by how threatened you feel when people, places and things come to challenge it.

maybe you’re charming and charismatic and generous, with only the best intentions for everyone involved, but if this is the system you’re running, the only reason people stay is they don’t mind the fee. it’s negligible or they prefer your reality over their own. that’s when the crown becomes heavy. because all of a sudden, everyone’s coming to your house because they don’t like their own house, and even if everything goes exactly the way you want because it’s your house, now you have a job. but don’t worry. people will leave as soon as your reality becomes too expensive to help you maintain.