75

why we lose.

people leave your life not because you need to be separated from them, but because you needed to be separated from what you were doing, and who you were, that character you played when you were with them.

they showed you something and now you have to integrate the lesson without them. maybe you have to learn to do for yourself what they always did for you. or perhaps it came time for you to activate the core energy they exemplified. it’s not a punishment or a reward for them to be gone; rather, it’s the end of a cycle. it’s the only way you would have been able to sunset the version of yourself that did the old thing and lived the old way. you were ready for more.

we don’t get to keep our teachers forever. and there will always be new ones to take their place. the people who teach you how to fight and the people who teach you how to love will not be the same people. seems obvious but it’s not always obvious when it’s happening.

how do you create the soul of a warrior? first you learn how to fight. once you have earned the soul of a warrior, you will be loved for your soul and you will no longer have to fight. how do you ready the soul for love? first you learn who you are. once you understand the truth of love, you will be loved for your soul and you will no longer have to serve, shrink or be anyone but yourself to receive love.

74

be here now.

right now. this is what life looks like when it’s happening. is it not what you expected? not what you wanted? does it feel like even more waiting? even more nothing? too much of what you were already wishing wasn’t? yup. you’re here. this is what it is. you’re in the right place. and we are all right here with you.

there are three modes in daily life: bus stop, driver’s seat and restaurant. at the restaurant, there are rules. they’re not your rules but you follow them, all the same, because they are general enough from place to place, and there’s food or drink at the end of it, so it’s easy enough to comply.

at the bus stop, you wait alone or with others, watching for what’s next while distracting yourself or observing others doing the same. the world goes by and you know you’ll soon be scooped up and moving in the right direction. it’s cheaper to ride, though much less convenient on a timetable with others.

in the driver’s seat, you know what needs to happen and you are responsible for your part in getting a thing done. strangely, we begin to feel like we want to control what’s happening on the road, and everywhere else, the second we get behind the wheel and exercise a little power over common machinery.

the ego loves what’s easy and the soul wants what’s hard. the hard things help us change. the easy things give us stability. everyone has a preference but there’s a way to be present for both. the universe will lovingly and expertly course the meal to give us just enough practice in waiting, doing and surrender to have enjoyed the full course.

73

when nothing changes.

how do you know a connection is real? when nothing changes even as everything changes. when nothing comes between you even if everything should have magnified the distance. when they keep showing you that nothing can change who you are with one another and to one another. you’ll know pretty early on, and time will gently keep proving it to you.

there are three ways to quiet the ego: through pain, in connection and while we sleep. pain is obvious and sleep is unconscious. connection softens the ego; it is humbling to see and feel how just being yourself allows you to continue to belong to one another. this shows us in the most profound way that we don’t feed our connections through doing. connections are nourished in the space of being.

there’s no control; it is an allowing. there’s no effort; it is based on intention. it is the energy of, “i am worthy of connection simply by being real and by bravely, generously, sharing who i am.” of course they can reject you. they can reject you as easily as you reject yourself. but they don’t. and that’s how connection erodes internal resistance to accepting ourselves for who we are, where we are, even as we continue to repeat lessons and fumble our blessings. we are held.

72

all there is.

what is self-mastery? it’s not about becoming someone you’re not. it's not promising you’ll do everything opposite, because the same thing over and over, expecting different results, is insanity. it’s not starting over, it’s not throwing away all previous drafts, and it is not denying yourself.

self-mastery is the process of: [1] returning to who you always were, beneath the limiting beliefs and going-nowhere patterns, and [2] becoming who you came here to be, living the life you were always meant to live. self-mastery returns you to yourself (as you unearth and reclaim the real you) and brings future you into the present (integrating the younger versions that fought to survive). self-mastery transmutes pain into power, alchemizing lead into gold.

there are two aspects to self-mastery: releasing and building. the self is what we do, mostly unconscious and performed on autopilot. if you do not have the energy to build a new habit, release an old one. habits can be mental, emotional and physical. what are you still thinking, feeling and doing, past the point of utility or pleasure? what patterns have you outgrown? release them. a habit sits on top of the authentic self and unlocks the future. focus on who you really are and stop identifying with the habits that bring old results.

build new habits that serve your evolving needs and higher intentions. allow curiosity to pull you away from what you have always known. a new habit isn’t a plan and it’s not a schedule. it’s doing it once. doing it now. each time and every time. actively choosing the new over the old until there’s no resistance and it’s happening without thinking.

self-mastery is guided by two questions: [A] what am i doing? [B] did i come all the way here just to do this? all we have is now. all you have is you. move towards what feels right.

71

template for love.

is there a template for love? yes. the template for love is friendship. ok but how do we know?

tell me, do you have to do anything for your friend to like you? no, you don’t. you and your friend trust one another to be who you are, unobscured by the masks, performing, pleasing and serving you tend to do with others. if you can’t trust yourself to be yourself, if you can’t trust your friend to like you for who you are, if you find yourself doing things to be liked, that’s not your friend. or, you are hiding from a friend who just wants to love you for who you are, and not what you can do for them.

how do you stay connected? friends grow together or they grow apart. but it’s not what you think; friendships don’t want enmeshment. it doesn’t happen by knitting two separate lives closer and closer together. if you remain stagnant while your friend evolves, you will not stay friends.

how do you keep your friend? expressing appreciation for this person should be the easiest thing you’ve ever done. you could love this friend with your eyes closed - in your sleep - zero effort. even if it’s hard to get together as often as you’d like, even if the distance in time zones and geography continue to grow, you love how special they are, you love that they exist in this world, you love that the universe brought them to you, and you love how the divine expresses itself in this friend. the effort is all in the logistics. it is easy to be kind, considerate, thoughtful and generous. they bring out your favorite version of yourself. if you don’t like who you are when you’re around them, if you don’t feel free, happy and loved enough to flow in their presence, if they cannot meet you where you are, they are not your friend.

either way, life will continue to reveal the unconscious relational and emotional patterns that are ready for review. triggers are meant to show us what we can’t see so that we can feel what must be healed and set ourselves free. triggers are meant for release. we let go what wants to leave and surrender to what the soul has aligned.

70

highs and lows.

if love has been criticized for cruelly offering exact lows to match the highs, it’s only because we used the word, “low,” when what we meant to say was, “deep.”

we gain access to our depths as love breaks us open. love’s “lows” push us deeper into ourselves like nothing else can. we are never prettier, safer or in more danger than when we are in love. love puts us in danger of losing ourselves to the other person (which is not great) and the current version of ourselves is about to be obliterated as the connection unlocks an entire series of next versions of ourselves that will walk down the new timeline that just opened.

this is the purpose of love. we must let her in to do the work of pushing us to our highest highs (in connection) and into our deepest depths (which are for us, alone). no one else is meant to come along, though we find our love standing just outside the cave mouth as we emerge. we tell all about our journey and they share from theirs. this is what they mean when they say that we, in love, protect and border one another’s solitude.

when the outside can be made measurably safer and lovelier by the presence of love, we can brave our unknown inner depths and shadows, returning only after healing and releasing what we found trapped there in the dark.

69

rising stars.

one day, you will realize how you failed to consider, that perhaps, what came so easily to the others while they had the spotlight, was all they had. and you, with so much else to be grateful for, chose to expend precious energy on envy.

should have just let them have it. should have been humble enough then, as you are now, to believe they must have deserved for their star to rise, finally and for once. you were envious and now you wish you hadn’t been. wishing you would have let them have their blessings in that moment, now that you understand what it’s like to be extremely blessed, barely deserving, and unable to conceal your light. hoping the world doesn’t object too strongly and want it taken from you. we didn’t have to referee our own game. we didn’t have to wish upon another person’s rising star.

we do not need time to become wise. we can humble ourselves now. we can ask forgiveness for believing that envy alerts us to blessings unfairly withheld. we can find, hidden within loss and rejection, the gifts of better and more aligned. we are free to open our eyes, hearts and minds to a universe that continues to unfold, provides lessons in patience, and blesses each of us in divine timing.

68

you have to do it everyday.

whatever is the hardest thing for you to do, that’s what you will have to do. and it will be difficult because every time you wanted the thing and didn’t get it, not only did you learn to feel unworthy of it, you also didn’t learn how to do it. so you will have to teach yourself.

do you find that listening to yourself is the hardest thing? maybe you’ve never done it; always wanting to be heard by others. well, that’s what you will have to do: you learn you are worthy of being listened to by listening to yourself.

does setting yourself free feel like the hardest thing you will ever have do? you have accomplished so much, but it’s the one thing that feels so far. and it’s what you will have to do: you learn you are worthy of freedom as you set yourself free.

do you find connecting with yourself to be the hardest thing? you haven’t done it? always looking for connection in the world so you don’t feel so alone? you will learn that you are worthy of connection as you connect with yourself.

do you find accepting yourself to be the hardest thing? it’s what you will have to do: you learn you are worthy of acceptance as you accept yourself.

they’re always saying it’s time for us to step into our power. they never say how. it’s not by “claiming power” in the abstract sense. we step into power through our greatest weaknesses. by doing the thing that only we can do, having exhausted ourselves down avenues that led nowhere. there’s no real power outside. it’s all within. it’s the hardest thing you’ll ever do, and you have to do it every day.

67

core needs.

what is it you crave? the unmet need. the thing you want most. the pot of gold at the end of every rainbow you ever chased.

core needs reside a level deeper than desires for money, love and success. they sound like this: why can’t you just be happy for me? can’t you just say i’m good, for once? will anybody ever meet me where i am? when do i get to be myself? why won’t anyone accept me for who i am and just let me be me? why is nobody listening to me? why is there not one person i can be safe with? everyone depends on me but i can’t seem to depend on anyone else. is your core need for validation? connection? freedom? safety? to be seen, heard or held? it starts to feel like this is the reason you’re here; that nothing could be more important, and nothing else will do.

this is your soul quest: to learn what it is and how it comes to you. however long it takes, because time and failure aren’t real. it could be months, years or lifetimes. the core need makes itself known through your caregivers, to be echoed by your friends, lovers, colleagues and clients — all the people who simply and consistently cannot give it to you.

you will give it to yourself. you will validate yourself. you will find yourself and connect with her. you will accept yourself and set him free. you will be your own safe place. when you embody that which you always desired, it will become your vibration, and everything will begin to reflect it back to you. as within, so without. when you become the source, the world outside will cease to have power over you. you will be able to accept people, places and things exactly as they are. you’ll have what you want when you don’t need it to be whole.

66

how are you?

it’s not what you think. it’s not the perfect question to check in with others. it’s the perfect question to check in with yourself. “how are you?” coming from the wrong person can ruin a whole morning. “how are you?” from the right person can make your entire day. it doesn’t even matter if they meant it or what you said in reply.

we know that day-to-day exercise is a great way to check in with the body and assess energy levels. the different “how are you’s?” are a great way to check in with the ego. right person, wrong person, the missing “how are you?” when you realize they didn’t even ask — the feelings that arise don’t have anything to do with these people. it’s your ego.

ego is the difference between a pleasant surprise and a dreaded inquiry or disappointing omission. inactive ego allows us to be open, accepting, receptive and non-judgmental. active ego creates expectations and judgment, alerting us to danger, bad vibes and what we don’t like.

when the world comes in, it hits your heart, your ego, your mind and body. check in with yourself and make sure you understand all the different voices.

65

the new you.

the universe will give what you ask but the soul always wins. and life will be less painful when what you ask and what your soul wants are not too far apart.

do you want love, success and abundance so you can have everything you want, forever? to never again feel lacking, lonely or empty? love, success and abundance are meant to transform you and set you free; it’s not you + the love of your life + all your money together on autopilot from there on out. but you won’t know what your soul wants until you start asking and receiving, and still, you’re not happy. if none of it was what your soul really wanted, having it all doesn’t matter.

you will have all the distractions to get out of your head and out of your house. all the distractions you want until you don’t want them anymore. the trick is to find what the soul wants so you can build a life you don’t need to continually escape. you learn the meaning of love, success and abundance by [1] experiencing their opposites (even if they do not announce themselves as such), [2] having the things and realizing they didn’t make you feel the way you wanted, and [3] appreciating them for what they are: portals to the next versions of you.

there are two prayers: dear God, please give me what my soul wants, as painlessly as possible (prayer of surrender). dear God, please give me all the things i want, as quickly as possible, and lots of it, always (prayer to humble the ego). know there is a way to make everything the best thing that ever happened to you: when something is given, see it for what it is; when something is removed, recognize the gift of growth (the new you) that has been placed in your hand. your soul wants to you to transform and be free.

64

which one when.

what is the purpose of contrast and duality? it’s how experience speaks to us. contrast and duality are the keys to unity and integration.

ego is afraid; she teaches fear and we learn how to take. the soul trusts; she teaches love and we learn what it means to receive. fear says, “i won’t get what i need unless i take it.” fear is based on experience. love says, “i trust that i will receive what i need, when i need it.” love arises from faith.

we will have lessons and be practiced in both. this is because we need the ego to navigate life on earth, the soul to surrender on this spiritual journey, and both to exercise free will. we balance doing with being, understanding fear as an energy that contracts and consumes, and love as an energy that flows and creates.

which one when? if you are struggling to decide, “what is the right action?” when the question presented is, “what am i doing?” ask yourself: what is the universe trying to give me in this moment? what blessing has my soul asked to receive? what is my ego attempting to grasp, control or cling onto?

how will you choose? there’s no right answer. there’s just everything you came here to learn, do, become and receive.

63

either way.

everything you do and don’t do reflects a belief; every action is a belief manifested. if you don’t like what you’re doing, find out which of your beliefs it supports and change that belief. if it belongs to you, you can change it; if it doesn’t belong to you, set it down. it can be done, either way.

do you ever feel good? what are you doing in those moments? try doing more of that. now, feel the level of resistance your nervous system is putting up to these changes. it’s time to teach yourself a new lesson:

change represents danger *and* change represents safety; it depends on the situation. change itself is neither good nor bad, dangerous nor safe. and change is not meant to be forced or resisted; rather, it must be allowed. here’s the thing: change is scary. it’s not always easy in the beginning, but change must be invited, welcomed and permitted to stay. even if she is scary. you have to be brave.

good thing the universe knows what you need to do. it will support you, in any and every possible way, so that you can manifest your destiny. it will send you sudden wisdom or the exact situation needed to bring about the change that takes you where you need to go.

62

this is your sign.

childhood ends twice: the day you learn to pick up the drug (day 1) and the day you set it down (day 0). learning how to set down the drug happens after you quit, and not a day earlier. it’s learning how to choose something else, each and every day thereafter. day 1 is an unconscious goodbye; day 0 is a conscious one.

day 0 encapsulates that entire chapter of your life so you can begin to properly grieve childhood, together with its end. you find out who you really are and what your life is actually like only after setting down the old coping mechanisms; this is when real adulthood begins. you go from unconscious to conscious, and on to expanding that consciousness.

this can’t happen if you’re still turning to the old behaviors you used to survive childhood to now get over that childhood. it won’t work. your past will continue to visit you, and old triggers will keep dredging up the same responses until you acknowledge their presence, thank them for serving you and your story, finally letting them move through you and out.

you know your life is about to get really good when the old coping mechanisms stop working. they stop working when you realize you need more and more. they stop working when you realize they aren’t even as effective or enjoyable as they used to be. this is your exact opportunity to set them down and turn it all around. that moment is your sign.

61

seek symmetry.

they say that the secret to beauty is symmetry. when it’s hard to find the beauty in a situation, perhaps then, we can look for the symmetry. everything is an echo from the past or a mirror into the future.

what do you desire today? on the other side of the looking glass is your desire fulfilled. your path is to dismantle the illusions before you. feeling undeserving or that it will take too long, with attainment seemingly impossible in this lifetime, is your opportunity to realize the dormant strength, patience and faith within. your blessings will manifest externally when you locate the real treasure inside.

do you find yourself struggling to accept people and places exactly as they are? asking for more than they can give? trying to hurry the pace or accelerate the vision? they’re not going to be ready until they’re ready. God already made them perfect. it’s their journey, not yours.

seek the symmetry. think back to when you were forced, rushed and hurried along “for your own good,” they said. remember when you were a child? and the adults asked you to see and do more than you could give or carry? they became frustrated when you struggled or they unknowingly doubled the load. now it’s you asking for too much, too soon.

we become strong when the world asks too much, and we must humble ourselves the moment we find ourselves doing the same. when we reveal the sacred axis, this line becomes our protection and guide. understanding symmetry with the past is how we honor the present, and seeking symmetry in our relationships is how we honor one another.

60

more important.

do you know how lucky you are to have you? you get to have you. it’s you: not someone bigger or smaller, dumber or smarter, no less cute, and exactly as interesting, intelligent and compelling. that’s who you get to hang out with all day.

why are you so mean to her? why do you ignore her? why do you shush her so you can watch tv and scroll? why don’t you take her places to see things and do things? why only leaving the house for and with others? why are you making her stay friends with all these people she doesn’t even like anymore? why aren’t you letting her interview for better jobs or try new hobbies she might like? she is so bored. why don’t you let her read any of those books you bought for her? why don’t you ever take her to exercise, which she’s been wanting to do? she keeps saying it. you can’t always be “too tired.” it’s getting old.

why giving all your time and energy to everyone else and nothing left for her? why so impatient when she’s trying to grow and heal? if she could do it any faster or any better, she would. she doesn’t like it taking this long either. and it’s weird that you deprive her of sleep and water. how do you expect her to stay looking young when she’s getting all dehydrated and no energy for fun things? also, you never let her wear the special outfits or fancy clothes in the back of the closet. why aren’t you going anywhere good so she can play dress up?

while you’re waiting for someone Very Special to come along and take better care of her, why don’t you give it a shot? there’s nothing more important you could possibly be doing.

59

clear the path.

comfort is a drug. make me comfortable; i will do anything you want and give you everything in exchange for it. they trick you into thinking comfort = happy. it’s not. have you ever encountered standing water? what does it smell like?

everything wants to be in motion. even you. look at nature; it’s beautiful, terrible and wild, whereas comfort is man-made. “comfortable” doesn’t come from God. the problem with comfort is that it is neither good nor bad. but if you choose comfort 100% of the time, you are at risk when comfort = pain. inertia is inertia. spinning is spinning. so you can be comfortable in your pleasures; this is benign and worst case, boring, as even the greatest and simplest pleasures will eventually exhaust themselves. you can be comfortable in your shackles and continue to choose them. everything is in your mind. and it’s a funny reality. motion isn’t good or bad either. motion, in and of itself, doesn’t tell you if it’s moving forward or backward. you decide.

“kill me, but make me beautiful,” they say. this is what we want. we want the mirror to show us what God sees, what’s in God’s eye. what does God want for us? is it just this? is this the person God would want for you? is this the place that was meant for you? deep in our heart of hearts, we know that the past versions of ourselves that brought us here are not the same versions that can take us to where we must go.

it’s not just alcohol, cocaine and caffeine. it’s not just the nicotine. comfort is a drug, too. make a home in discomfort; understand that all your obstacles belong to you, and to you alone, and there will be no one that can stand in your way. this is how you clear the path. tell yourself, “this is for me. and it’s all for me.”

58

you will be disabused.

who do you think is going to solve this problem? you know, the problem. the one you’ve been trying to solve for as long as you can remember. the noise in your mind, the peace you can’t seem to find. that which has eluded every version of you. who do you imagine coming to make it all better?

i know it’s taken this long to not have solved it yet, but the right answer will eventually be brought to the front of your mind. life as you know it will keep coming until one day, you wake up and realize, with some disappointment and maybe a bit of horror: “the person who will [solve this problem] is me. i am about to do something i’ve never done before: i’m going to make my own life better. i am the medicine. it’s me.”

sometimes what the universe does is dangle the thing in front of you –the thing that looks better than anything from before– that feels like it could absolutely be the solution to your ache. it looks like relief: that person who arrives, the destination or opportunity that opens up. you almost relax into it. and before it’s yours for very long, it’s yanked away. that wasn’t it.

these things will keep happening until it’s clear: this happens to be your problem because you happen to be the solution. whatever it is you seek, it will appear in your life only after you find it within. you’ve been on the wrong side of a locked door with the key in your pocket the entire time.

this is how the universe blesses you: they would never allow anyone else to hold this power. the liberator is always you. you have to believe that the purpose of this life was not to find the person, place or thing upon which you would be most dependent because that’s what fulfilled your deepest desire. no. what kind of half-ass happy ending are we striving for? how could anyone else be the hero of your story? why would it be your movie and then God casts someone else as the star? it’s your movie. you get top billing. the red carpet was for you. it’s time to hit your marks.

57

now or later.

when will you be thankful for today’s problems? after you’ve unwittingly exchanged them for a much more painful set, having irretrievably done away with the originals? or will you decide today that your lessons are your blessings? that the universe loves you so much they’ve made the best version of you inevitable?

will you open your own eyes or do you prefer to have them opened for you? and when will you stop being so reckless? before or after the accident? will you choose gratitude now or shall we wait until you’ve exhausted the other options?

all paths lead to a better you. even if it’s not obvious what that might look like, it’s up ahead, and it’s your decision how many lifetimes before you let yourself see. because the soul’s journey is not optional, they are willing to honor your preferences, for a time. but just like us, the universe gets bored watching the same struggle on tv. belabor a point and you’ll be pushed into the conclusion.

sooner or later. not if, but when. rest until tomorrow, but it will always be right now. so be the miracle. when you become the hero of your own story, you’ll find there were no villains to begin with.

56

out at sea.

when love comes to us, they are like driftwood that finds survivors lost at sea. something to cling to that makes bearable the vast unknown.

eventually, what the ocean does is take back from us this cherished driftwood. we wake to find it gone, treading water by instinct alone, completely unprotected and with storms on the horizon. we realize it wasn’t meant for us to merely float by, with driftwood our only companion. we will never not be alone in the middle of the ocean. and the horizon reveals itself only so far.

but now our destiny is clear; we were meant to build for ourselves a ship. we were meant to have shelter in the rain, a deck upon which to count the stars on clear nights, a trustworthy vessel by which to explore the earth’s many shores and a way to find safe harbor with one another. without ships, how else could we raise an armada, found brothers-in-arms, as we remain ever out at sea?